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La vidéo a une durée de 01:12:01 secondes, un titre de Handle Her With Care Podcast« Aujourd’hui, sur le podcast sur la gestion avec soins, nous dévorons ce sujet: Que se passe-t-il lorsque vous êtes élevé pour croire que votre corps est dangereux, votre plaisir est coupable et que votre pureté définit votre valeur? Dans cet épisode incontournable, April Marie est rejointe par le thérapeute et président du Dr Shawtres pour déballer le parcours complexe du développement de l’identité sexuelle chez les femmes noires élevées dans des maisons conservatrices et chrétiennes. Ensemble, ils discutent: les effets de la culture de la pureté sur l’estime de soi et l’intimité de la honte entourant le désir, la masturbation et la voix sexuelle combien de femmes noires effectuent la sexualité au lieu de le vivre ce que signifie récupérer le plaisir non pas pour la performance, mais pour vous, cet épisode est honnête, guéris et absolument nécessaire. Si vous êtes prêt à passer du silence à l’auto-possession, de la culpabilité à Grace Press Play. Comme, commentez et abonnez-vous pour gérer son podcast avec soins pour des convos plus honnêtes et des perspectives de guérison. Cet épisode est uniquement audio. #BlackWomenHealing #PurityCulture #SexualLiberation #ChristianUpbringing #HandleHerWithCare #BlackTherapist #SexualIdentity #BlackMentalHealth #PleasureIsPower #UnlearningShame ».

YouTube est une plateforme polyvalente qui permet à chacun de trouver des vidéos sur des sujets variés, offrant un espace d’expression personnelle tout en veillant à respecter les valeurs de diversité, de respect et de sécurité dans les interactions.

Définir la chasteté en termes modernes. Explorer comment la chasteté est définie dans le monde moderne.

La chasteté consiste fondamentalement à maîtriser ses désirs sexuels. Au-delà de l’abstinence, la chasteté implique un contrôle volontaire des désirs sexuels dans un cadre spirituel. La chasteté moderne ne se contente pas de supprimer les désirs; elle les dirige vers des objectifs plus élevés, tels que le respect de soi et des autres. Pour un homme d’aujourd’hui, la chasteté n’est pas une question de renoncer au plaisir, mais de choisir comment vivre sa sexualité.

Observer les effets de la chasteté sur les interactions sociales et les relations familiales.

La chasteté a également des effets positifs sur les relations interpersonnelles. La cage de chasteté aide un homme à renforcer ses aptitudes à séduire et à adapter son comportement vis-à-vis de ses partenaires. Les capacités sexuelles et physiques deviennent plus intenses pendant l’acte, grâce à leur sollicitation diminuée. La chasteté peut être pratiquée discrètement, sans avoir à partager ce choix avec ses partenaires. Dans le cadre du mariage, la chasteté peut approfondir les liens conjugaux en soutenant un amour plus authentique, non centré sur le plaisir charnel.

La chasteté et la spiritualité sont intimement liées dans de nombreuses traditions.

La connexion entre chasteté et spiritualité est bien établie dans diverses religions. De nombreuses religions, y compris le christianisme, considèrent la chasteté comme une voie vers la sanctification. En contrôlant ses désirs sexuels, il est possible de concentrer davantage d’énergie sur son bien-être personnel. La chasteté est perçue comme un acte d’offrande personnelle et de respect pour Dieu. La chasteté est interprétée comme un choix d’élever l’âme plutôt que comme une privation. Les perspectives religieuses sur la chasteté sont diverses et variées. Dans le christianisme catholique, la chasteté est une vertu vitale pour les prêtres. Dans l’islam, des règles strictes sont établies pour maintenir la chasteté. Dans l’hindouisme et le bouddhisme, la chasteté est un moyen pour les ascètes d’atteindre l’illumination. La chasteté transcende les différentes religions, rassemblant les croyants dans une quête partagée.

Intégrer la chasteté dans sa routine quotidienne.

Pour intégrer la chasteté, les hommes peuvent adopter différentes stratégies. Pour saisir ses motivations et valeurs, il est crucial de commencer par une introspection. Éviter les contenus à caractère sexuel et autres situations similaires est recommandé pour contrôler ses désirs. Trouver un mentor ou un groupe de soutien partageant les convictions peut soutenir la pratique de la chasteté. Les défis de la chasteté se manifestent particulièrement dans une société où la sexualité est omniprésente. Les obstacles incluent la pression sociale et les tentations récurrentes. Il est impératif de garder une discipline personnelle stricte pour surmonter ces obstacles. Il est important de ne pas se laisser abattre par un échec, mais de reprendre avec une détermination renouvelée. Il ne s’agit pas d’atteindre un état parfait de chasteté, mais de suivre un chemin de patience et de persévérance. En intégrant la chasteté dans sa vie, on peut atteindre une plus grande liberté, une maîtrise de soi améliorée, et un épanouissement spirituel significatif. Dans une société où la sexualité est souvent valorisée au détriment de la spiritualité, la chasteté, bien qu’elle puisse sembler contraignante, offre une opportunité pour une vie plus authentique, alignée avec ses valeurs et sa foi.

Rechercher les débuts historiques et culturels de la chasteté.

De nombreuses traditions religieuses et culturelles ont des racines profondes liées à la chasteté. Le vœu de continence des prêtres et religieux est souvent lié à la chasteté dans le christianisme. La chasteté est promue dans l’islam ainsi que dans les Églises catholique et orthodoxe comme une vertu fondamentale pour les religieux et les laïcs, particulièrement avant le mariage. La valeur de la chasteté dans l’Antiquité reposait sur sa capacité à maintenir l’intégrité personnelle et la pureté morale. De ce fait, la chasteté surpasse les âges et les cultures, continuant à être une vertu admirée et respectée.

Questions Fréquemment Posées (FAQ) sur la Chasteté.

La chasteté est-elle exclusivement pour les religieux ? Non, la chasteté est aussi pratiquée par des laïcs et des célibataires. Quelle est la distinction entre chasteté et abstinence ? L’abstinence est un choix de ne pas s’engager dans des activités sexuelles. La chasteté implique souvent le port d’un accessoire tel qu’une ceinture ou une cage, et suit une démarche orientée vers le progrès et la réussite, semblable à celle d’un athlète. Comment la chasteté est-elle vécue au sein du mariage ? Au sein du mariage, la chasteté est souvent une question partagée ; les partenaires discutent généralement des démarches et des objectifs. Quelle est la place de la chasteté dans la doctrine de l’Église ? L’Église valorise la chasteté car elle considère cette vertu comme essentielle pour vivre une vie en accord avec les principes chrétiens. Comment la chasteté facilite-t-elle le développement personnel ? La chasteté contribue à l’épanouissement personnel en offrant une meilleure maîtrise de soi, une clarté mentale, et une paix intérieure.

La chasteté : Une qualité à réexaminer dans le monde contemporain.

Dans le monde d’aujourd’hui, la chasteté est une qualité souvent taboue. La chasteté, lorsqu’elle est intégrée dans la vie quotidienne, peut offrir une paix intérieure accrue, renforcer les relations et enrichir la connexion spirituelle. Dans le passé, la chasteté était davantage acceptée et débattue. La problématique de la chasteté est longuement développéedans ce dossier qui traite de la chasteté. En explorant divers aspects de la chasteté, cet article offre aux hommes les ressources pour comprendre et appliquer cette vertu dans leur quotidien.

L’impact de la chasteté sur le bien-être personnel et moral est marqué. L’impact de la chasteté sur le bien-être personnel et moral mérite une analyse approfondie.

La chasteté, lorsqu’elle est adoptée de façon consciente, affecte profondément le bien-être personnel. Elle favorise une meilleure maîtrise de soi, une plus grande clarté mentale, et une paix intérieure grâce au respect des principes personnels. Cultiver la chasteté permet à l’homme d’avoir une relation plus harmonieuse avec son corps et ses désirs. Cette maîtrise de soi, acquise grâce à la chasteté, permet une liberté plus grande en supprimant les pulsions et les pressions sociales liées à la sexualité. La chasteté apporte une pureté morale qui fortifie la dignité et l’estime de soi. Les impacts de la chasteté sur la santé mentale sont importants. Grâce à la chasteté, les individus augmentent leur confiance en eux et sont plus aptes à affronter les défis.

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#Gérer #podcast #avec #soins #Culture #plaisir #pureté #récupérer #nos #expériences #avec #Shawtres

Retranscription des paroles de la vidéo: Hey everybody, it’s your girl April Marie and welcome to Handle Her with Care podcast where we are gracefully unfiltered. I am so excited to be with uh here with you today. Um as usual, you guys are my heart and I hope that you you feel that because that’s why I’m here for you. Uh thank you so much to my creative space 661 Creator Space. You guys make my podcast dreams come true. for everything that you do here for me in support of this podcast means everything to me and uh I love y’all. Thank you. Uh thank you again to my sponsors myhairhoney.com. If you don’t have a bottle, get you a bottle cuz let me tell you, it’s everything. It smells good. It feels good. You can even take it and rub the the excess on your elbows because it’s 100% organic. It’s natural. Uh this is the bottle. It’s so pretty. Okay. And like I always say, it sits right next to my Chanel and it goes right right beautiful on my countertops. Like it’s it’s not ugly and it smells good. And that’s not not usual for oils and hair oils, right? Like a lot of times they stink. So this one is not that. Uh so definitely visit myhairhoney.com. Uh so hi. Hey. I wanted to take a moment and welcome our guest. You are not new to the podcast. No, I am not. This is Dr. Shantre Parks and she is here with us today again and I’m so thankful that you took the time out to come and join us uh and share some more enlightening facts about being a woman and being beautiful and sharing space with other people, you know, and how we do that. So today our topic is sexual identity development in black women raised in conservative Christian contexts. I love that that sounds like the title of a research paper. Well, I don’t know. I mean, I am a researcher. You are. That is right up my alley. and and I’m going to try and uh remove a little bit of the academia from that. Okay. Uh so what I would love to have conversation about is the way that purity culture in Christianity and other religious contexts impacts the sexual identities of black women who are raised in those contexts. Yeah. Sounds like this topic was written for me and me and so many millions of others. Millions of others. Um, first of all, sounds like it’s going to get juicy. Yeah. And I’m here for that. I love a good juicy topic. Yes. Uh, I love a good girl girl moment. Okay. Um, and so let’s go. Yeah. So, all right. So, t talk to me about this. What is this? Okay. So when I think about purity culture, I think about the very heavy abstinence movement that I grew up in, right? And they were giving out purity rings in churches. I did that. I did the purity ceremony. Oh my god. You are a survivor. I’m a purity ring. Yes. And it it was all about this idea that my responsibility as a Christian woman, right, is to save myself, right, is the language until marriage. And there at least for many of us were not productive conversations around sexuality, sexual desire, pleasure period was not talked about because purity was holy and pleasure was wicked and sinful. And any place in your life that you experience excessive pleasure because that’s a thing. That’s a thing. You are basically buying your like first class do not pass go do not collect $100 ticket to hell. Hell. Yes. Right. Heavy on the hell. Heavy on the hell. And so I remember so many times, right, you see a sister walking to church and and maybe she’s wearing a skirt that’s above the knee. Oh, like this one. Right. Above the knee. There’s a little visible thigh. Uhhuh. Look at her. And some loving mother would go give her a lap scarf. A lap scarf. Right. Yes. What is it? Loving loving loving. Loving lovingly judgmental. Right. Give her the lap scarf. And hearing, you know, if there was a a girl who’s in a group of guys talking, comments like, « Oh, look at that bast tail girl over there talking to those boys. » No mention of the boys and their interaction with the young lady. Yes. And and no stories are written about who they are or who they should be based on that, right? But instantly stories are written about who she is and who she will be based on those based on that interaction. Yes. Yes. That you are damaged goods if you have sex before marriage. Right. Right. No man will want you. Oh my god. What are you living in my house in my head? And that magically without ever having talked about it or entertained the idea of healthy sexual development, right? You will become a porn star on your wedding night, right? You’ll know exactly what to do, exactly how to do it. You’ll know exactly what works for you. You’ll orgasm in 3.5 seconds so he doesn’t have to work too hard. And give your husband maximum pleasure, right? And somehow you’ll both enjoy that. And and that will set the stage for a healthy and thriving sexual relationship blessed by God because you waited. Because you waited. Because you waited. Dang. All of that responsibility. That’s a lot. It is a lot. Because it’s not real. It is absolutely not real. It’s not real. And I mean, I I definitely lived it right as I’m hearing you say you did as well. And I remember as a young therapist working with couples having these Christian couples come in and like we’re not having sex or sex is painful, right? Sex doesn’t ever feel good to me. Right. And very like frustrated husbands like how come she doesn’t know what’s going on or what she should be doing. Um I don’t understand why she can’t have an orgasm. That doesn’t make any sense. She doesn’t know what she likes. She doesn’t know what she wants. Right. But you’re not allowed to know what you like. absolutely not allowed to know what you like or explore that in any way outside of the context of marriage, right? And so I even think about culturally, right, when you hear uh women talk about or even men talk about getting mad, I’m in my hoe phase, right? Just because you’re dating people or maybe have multiple sexual partners that even the language although it’s, you know, been maybe reclaimed or or repurposed, right? Repurposed for sure. still like I’m taking this negative concept and applying it to developmentally healthy behavior. And so there’s a lot of baggage there, tons. And as it relates to the responsible daughter framework that we talked about the last time I was here, right? This plays heavy in the responsible daughter who performs so much of her sexual relationships that she really struggles to get any need met for sexual pleasure with a partner and oftentimes even with herself to fully experience it without shame. Right. Because shame is huge. Yes, it is. Shame is huge. Um I remember doing the purity uh ceremony at my church. It was a whole ceremony like a it’s like it’s like a wedding. Yeah. And um you know having to wear this white and parents bought these rings and you know dad put these rings on us and he was like yeah you can save yourself for marriage. And I always knew that I was not doing that. And I felt horrible because I accepted this ring and this purity whatever and signed up for this chastity thing. And then when I didn’t do it right, like I knew I wasn’t going to do it, but then when I didn’t do it, Yeah. I still felt like I I mean and I had I guess broken a vow that I made to God. Um and I had a lot of crazy guilt, but it didn’t really show up as guilt, I think, until I got married. And then I was kind of like turned off by sex or like weirded out by certain touch and things and I didn’t understand why. But I think it all played this weird role in Yeah. like accepting the pleasurable experiences and being open to them and excited by them. Yeah. And then it anyway it didn’t help that who I married was a minister pastor. And so then he was like, you know, at some point when I was still hyper sex, because I’ve always been hypersexual, always liked it. Okay. But he said he was like, « I just want you to like come like I I do want to have sex with you, but like I feel like you’re always wanting it. It’s just not attractive to always be so sexual. » And I was like, « Isn’t this the space for that? » Yeah. Like I thought this was the time for me to be Yeah. that girl. Yeah. So then it made me very closed up. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it’s easy to kind of write a story that there’s something wrong with me that I want sex as much as I do, especially because I’m in the context of marriage now where it’s supposed to be like biblically acceptable. And now my partner is saying that it’s too much, right? And without analyzing uh your marriage, sure. I’m I’m looking at the internalized scripts around like when I police someone’s desire Yeah. for sex, right? Right. It is either too much or too little, right? Is problematic very much so. That ultimately there’s a spectrum. Yes. And on that spectrum there are some people who have like high spontaneous desire. Right. Right. where I just have a desire for sex and it comes out of nowhere. I don’t need a whole lot of stimulation before like there are very few buttons you need to push to activate this in me, right? And some people who are more on the responsive end of the spectrum where I actually need certain things like candles or lighting or touch needs to feel a certain way or like you can’t have just come from the gym. You need to smell very clean. I need to have a clean bedroom and a freshly made bed. Like when you put the right conditions in place, then desire comes up for me, right? And that we’re just designed differently. And the God that I believe in created us all with beautiful diversity. Yeah. And so these things only become problematic when we pathize the difference. Okay. What do you mean by that? I mean, when when I start to say it’s a problem to you that you want sex too much, right, then we have problems, right? Because I get to write a script about you that there’s something wrong with you, right? And I get to be right. Everything is right with me. Everything’s right with me. Yes. Yes. As opposed to h I am comfortable with having sex once or twice a week. You’re comfortable with having sex once or twice a day. Cool. Let’s talk about that. What do we need to do to create optimal circumstances so that both of us gets as much of what it is that we want in a way that feels aligned for both of us. And spoiler alert, people are not having as much sex as you think they’re having. Like on average, okay, the average couple is having sex one time a week, right? Technically less statistically than one time a week. Really? Yes. Oh, no. Yeah. I’m not in a couple right now. Yeah. So, I’m And and the reality is there are also couples that are having tons of sex every day and that that’s fine as long as they’re both enthusiastically consenting to it. Yeah. Enthusiast saying yes with their whole body. Saying yes with their whole bodies. And if we can in any relationship that we’re in, identify what it is that we need, give our partner space to identify what it is that they need and have vulnerable and open communication about that, then we can cultivate the relationship that works well for both of us. And that may be the integration of self-pleasure with partnered pleasure. If okay, I have a desire to have more sex than my partner can enthusiastically consent to and your partner being okay and accepting of Yes. and not shaming that, right? Or buying into the myths, right, which unfortunately some of my brothers do as it relates to women that if you use that vibrator, then you’re not going to be able to have kind of an organic orgasm with me, right? You will always need the support of a sex toy, right? Right. It’s just it’s a myth. It’s not true. Or that if you orgasm too much for masturbation, then you’re going to become spoiled somehow and expect that you should always have orgasms every time you don’t think like that, do you? Come on, brothers. I mean, I wish that I could say these things had not come up in my real live sessions like in the wild in real life. These are the these are the things that people are actually believing, okay? or that something is medically wrong with me if I don’t want sex as much as my partner wants it. Yeah. Like is also a thing that often times the partner with the like lower desire, right, comparatively wants. But the reality is like for every woman out there who’s comfortable with sex one time a week, there’s a man who’s also comfortable with sex one time a week, right? And there’s nothing wrong Yeah. So with you if you Yeah. Don’t leave your partner to find that man. Right. It just takes a conversation. Well, some conversations. Many conversations. Yeah. Because this isn’t like a oneanddone thing because again, the arc of the responsible daughter is I recognize that I’m overfunctioning and I am leaning more into meeting someone’s needs than I am in taking space alongside someone else in the relationship. And so, the first thing I need to do is become aware of that. And then once I am aware of that, check in with myself. What is actually values aligned for me? And once I know that, then I’m in the place where I’m having those conversations from that whole body yes perspective to say that whatever it is that we’re talking about is coming from a place where yeah, I I really do want this or I don’t want that, right? And that it’s not drop it at your feet and run away, right? If you don’t like it or if it doesn’t resonate with you, let’s engage in a little bit of healthy, productive back and forth. Conflict is growth trying to happen. Conflict is growth trying to happen. Yes. And so sometimes we run away from conflict in conversations because we think, « Oh, conflict bad. » Right. Right. We don’t automatically agree. You’re not the same human that I am. You don’t think and feel exactly as I do. Right. This isn’t safe. Right. This isn’t safe. But the reality is we can be safe in many sexual romantic relationships. Okay. if we can be open about like what we like, what we don’t like, what works for us and what doesn’t. And many RDs haven’t done the work to figure that out outside of their relationships because of the scripts around how bad that is, right? From that conservative Christian or religious perspective. When Dr. Shantree said RD, she’s meaning responsible daughter. Yes. And if you haven’t viewed that episode, go back and check it out because this will give you context into exactly what we’re talking about. Yes. Um, wow. Yeah, that’s that’s a lot. It is a lot. And it’s so interesting, I think, because, you know, being raised in the church and and then always being told, you know, you want to find a man who’s also in church. and who uh loves the Lord. And yes, we do. But what I found is that a lot of our young Christian men, they’re not interested in the woman who the church has raised. So the woman who the church has raised has a lap scarf and she’s, you know, fully draped and drizzled in in purity. and she is poised, modesty, and graceful. And then you see them can’t wait to dart out the church doors and head on down to the cornerstone and find a freak and find a freak. Nasty. Turn it up. Who going to turn it up? But so then we have a lot of Christian women or religious women that are benched indefinitely because they don’t know what they like. They don’t know how to do anything. You’re right. They’re they’re they’re struggling with even seeing themselves. They don’t even look at themselves naked. They feel grossed out and like they’re doing something wrong just by being, you know, how many times I’ve been told that like a vulva is disgusting or nasty by a woman. By a woman. By a woman who’s never actually held a mirror down to her vulva and seen what it looks like. Now, do you recommend that? Highly, highly, highly fall in love with it, please. It is a part of you. Yeah. Practice comprehensive self-love. Every part of you is beautiful. if for nothing more than the function that it serves. Right. Right. A liver is not super pretty to look at, but damn am I grateful for it. I love you. Where are you? Yes. I love you liver. Yes. Yes. And I think it’s like, well, you know, my vulva it it drapes a little. Right. Or or mine is too thick, too full. Right. Mine doesn’t look like the the picture that I was shown in my healthful living class. Right. Right. Right. that that white and pink small. Yes. Right. And so I think there’s all this internalized messaging that we have and it’s really internalized self-hatred. Yes, it is. And again, back to systemic oppression because always it’s always always a factor. It’s a factor, right? We are not taught as black women that we are beautiful and that our bodies are beautiful. I know we are taught that we are objects of desire. Yes. Right. We are taught that our that we are we are hypersexualized right by others from a very young age. There’s research that supports that we are seen as older than our actual chronological age from a very young age and people adultify us. Yeah. And that also contributes to why we become responsible daughters and over functioning because we take on way too much responsibility at too young an age. Right. And also what that then does sexually is you are looked at as an object of desire and a tool for pleasure. And you can’t be self-possessed in your search for pleasure. It can’t be about you or what works for you. It is about satisfying like the lust of someone else. That is your value is what we are taught. And so I’m not going to blame all of this on the church. This didn’t start with the church. And as a person who still identifies as Christian, I’m not even saying that I have a problem with this concept um in general of abstinence. If you if it values align for you, right? But I’m also a person who believes very heavily in free will, which I believe was the first gift that God gave. Free will. Yes. And free will means that you have the right to self-determination. What does sexuality look like for you? What is the healthiest and most values aligned version of that for you? If it is masturbating, then masturbate, right? And if it is not, there are many other ways that you can explore seeking pleasure and getting an understanding for what you like and don’t like that don’t even involve having sex with another person or sexual self-pleasure through masturbation. Well, what is that? Like, I only knew the two. You know what I mean? Honestly, this is A or B, right? I didn’t know there was more. Uh, my eyebrows are up. Okay, let’s let’s talk about Let’s talk about that. Pleasure. Yes, pleasure. Right. Oh my god. Cuz that is a that is a sticky word. It sounds cringy. I’m repeating it. Yeah. Because it’s making people uncomfortable. Pleasure. It made me uncomfortable for a very long time. Yeah. Or a very, very long time. And so my my own work right apart from what I do professionally my own work in getting comfortable with pleasure involved looking at erotic energy as energy that starts with like five senses. Right? If you think about the best sexual experiences you’ve ever had, all of your senses were probably involved. Yeah. Right. There were sounds that were pleasurable to you. You were looking at things that were pleasurable to you, right? You were tasting things that were pleasurable to you. You were touching things and being touched in ways that were pleasurable to you, right? And we can explore the use of five senses to seek pleasure outside of sex. And we should be reasonably every day. Every day. Every day. I love coffee. Drinking coffee is very pleasurable to me. It is it is a ritualistic thing that I do in the mornings and I play around and turn up and down the volume on my pleasure. Today I’m drinking coffee espresso mixed with a protein shake. It is functional. It tastes good, right? But that’s volume down because it doesn’t give me the same tingles as Yes. as like taking the time in the morning to use my coffee maker that I love so much, my espresso machine. Yeah. To make a vanilla latte. at home. It’s just every step is layering smell. Yeah. And I’m playing with temperature, right? Holding the warm glass and taste, layers of taste. And I love that. It’s a sexy experience. It is a very sexy experience. And I get to have it every morning. And sometimes I’m driving my kids to school and I’m sipping my latte at stoplights or while I’m in traffic and I’m just so good. So good. So good. Yeah. I think about the experience when you come out of shower out of the shower, right, and you’re putting on lotion on your body. Yeah. Playing with touch, right? And yes. Do I like a firm touch as I’m applying the lotion or oil to my skin? Yeah. How does it how does lighter touch feel? Right. Girl, you about to make me go get in the shower and make a latte. I hope so. Oh, I think about there’s um every spring if you uh live in Southern California, the city of Carl’sbad has these flower fields and they’re all of these beautiful tulips. Tulips, excuse me, of different colors. I love the experience of going and like walking and looking at the flower fields, right? Visually, it’s so beautiful and so stimulating. Yeah. Micholene Thomas, love, love, love her art. And she had an exhibit at the Broad in LA called All About Love. And as a black artist who clearly loves and deeply appreciates the black female body, looking at the ways that she honored black women through her art, it was so visually stimulating. Wow. And I went there with my husband, right? We’re walking through the exhibits. We’re looking at the and it was a sexy experience. Yeah. There was no sex happening, right? But all of my senses were engaged. She has these vignettes. One of them looks like an 80s auntie living room, right? And so it’s like the couch with the plastic over the sofa, right? The stereo and the vases. Like it was it was my childhood. Someone reconstructed my childhood and it transported my entire body back to I could hear Luther, right? I can hear Anita. Yeah. Yeah. And and I’m thinking, wow, what a pleasurable experience to be transported back. And the way that I’m feeling in my body right now is so amazing. Pleasurable. Yes. And this is also I mean big connection back to our last episode. We talked about whole body. Yes. Right. this idea of being able to feel fully in your body whether or not something is in alignment for you or whether it’s not. If you don’t slow down enough to feel and recognize what is pleasurable for you, how can you discern if something is a yes or not? How many things are we consenting to thinking, well, it’s good, it’s good. So, so that equates right because it’s good to do, right? Just because I can do a thing means I should do a thing, which is inherently untrue. It’s Yeah. Dang, I’m on a soap box right now. I need to No, you’re not. I need to step down. I’m like I just want to sit Indian style like this. Like what? Yeah. Okay. So, take us back to the pressure of the rubbing the lotion. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Because Uhuh. Yeah. I’ll let you finish. Yeah. I I agree with that. I have a specific body butter that I love. Yeah. And now that I have the time, yeah, because I’m not rushing out to go do all of the things, I I take the time and I put that on. And sometimes I have to stop myself from feeling guilty because right now I’m just taking the time. I’ve never even thought about pressure and speed, intensity, speed, intensity of it. I just have taken like the moment to say I’m going to use this body butter because I love it. Yeah. And then I’m going to rub it on. And yes, I might be doing it fast, but I’m using that one. So, I need to be a little more um intentional with the process. Yeah. So that I can so that I can feel I I I have turned off a lot of my senses. Yeah. Because of R my RD. Yeah. I I’m like, I don’t need to feel this. I don’t need to Nope. I’m I’m lotioned up. My my my skin’s not dry, so we’re fine. I Yep. I just grabbed whatever I had and threw it on and went on cuz I had to do D. You know, when you’re overunctioning, you can’t stop to feel too many things because sensory input evokes emotion and thoughts and I don’t have space for those things when I have to be so much for so many people. If I stop I mean you think about this for responsible daughters and I think for many people when a death happens when loss happens when you’re grieving right like how many of us are actively planning the funeral cooking food for a repass comforting people when we’ve lost a loved one yes like I can’t stop to feel because the script is that if I stop to feel I will fall apart and everyone that I am holding will fall apart. Dang. And it’s harder to deal with that outcome in my mind, right, than it is to deal with the discomfort of sitting with these feelings. I lived that way for like a long like years, like 10 years or more. Yeah. Yeah. And I would say that I would say, « Oh, no, no, no. I don’t I don’t cry. I don’t cry. I don’t cry because if I cry, I’ll never stop. » Who has time for that, girl? That’s what That’s literally what I would say out loud. People say, « Oh, didn’t you? Oh my gosh. I was just I’m like, « Okay. » I say, « You didn’t cry. » And I say, « I can’t cry, baby. What? » Yeah. Cry off that. Yeah. If I start crying, all of the things that I need to be crying about are going to rush to the forefront and I’ll never stop. Right. No one has time for that. Yeah. And that was my script. Yeah. Well, I hope you’ve rewritten that. Shoot. I had to. I hope that we’ve rewritten that. We have rewritten that. And what I am very conscious of especially scripts around like emoting right crying or having rage, right? Okay. Or being scared about a thing or being joyful like and I don’t mean just happy, but that giddy little girl joyful, right? Where I’m like dancing around and being a little silly. these scripts that we write that I don’t have time or space or that it’s not productive to experience those things directly impact how much pleasure we can experience in a sexual relationship. And think about it like pleasure is really simple, right? It’s like the right the right application of pressure to the right nerve endings at the right time sends a signal to your brain, right? You’re so smart. I love you. So So pleasure is is simple, right? When you think about it scientifically, but when we think about the kind of emotional or spiritual aspects of pleasure, it’s the safety to release, right? It’s the safety to surrender and to open up. And a lot of times we don’t have that with ourselves, right? It is now, this was not always the case, but it is now pleasurable for me to cry because I do it by myself or with my husband. Oh, wow. And I feel like it is a purge, right? It’s it’s an emotional and a relational reset. Okay. To be able to feel all of my feelings and release the pressure and the tension in my body, right? Sounds scary. Sounds like an orgasm really if you think about it, right? Same concept. It does. It’s this buildup buildup buildup of pressure and then the release, right? And so even that now I can find joy in, right? Joy in grief and release and overwhelm and stress. All of these things kind of coming together and then the surrender. The surrender. Yeah, it does sound like an orgasm. And I know there are so many women that have never experienced that. Yes. But I also just listening to what you’re saying about how you release and you’re able to cry either with yourself or with your husband. I feel like the two would go hand in hand. If you can’t release your emotions one way, how can you even feel them over, you know, like your your absent feeling? Yeah. Is what it sounds like. I don’t know. But yeah, it’s it’s interesting because I’ve I’ve seen both happen, right? I to your point, I’ve met so many women personally and professionally who have never had an orgasm, right? Or maybe it’s been so inconsistent that they they have no idea what caused it, maybe the one or two times that it did happen in their entire kind of sexually active phase of life. Yes. And also, there’s this belief that if I can’t be vulnerable or safe with someone that I can’t have an orgasm. And scientifically that’s not necessarily true. Okay. Because of a concept called arousal non-concordance. Right. Yeah. Go with me for a second. We’re going to school. I’m with you. I’m with you. So arousal non-concordance is this phenomena that I can experience sexual arousal from a thing that I’m not actually sexually desiring. And so this often happens in sexual assault or molestation. Okay, just because someone is applying touch in a way that activates the nerve endings and sends a signal to your brain, oh, this touch is pleasurable, right? You can become sexually aroused by it, even though there’s definitely no enthusiastic consent. This is not a thing that you’re wanting to have happen. This is not a thing that is psychologically, emotionally pleasurable to you, right? It’s just simply the physical sensation that represents something sexual in your brain, right? That creates arousal for you even though you don’t want it in that moment. And that’s why there’s a lot of victims that feel guilty. Okay? Because then you’re writing scripts about who you are because, well, I didn’t want this thing to happen, but I there was vaginal lubrication there, right? I got wet. Right. My nipples got hard even though I didn’t want this person to touch me. Right. Right. I experienced an orgasm even though this was not penetration that I welcomed. Right. Right. And so there’s all of this like shame script writing about that when scientifically there’s a lot of research that supports like no this was not you at all and the reaction that you had doesn’t mean that in any way, shape or form that this was right or okay. Right. But oftentimes as women we write the script that those things were the signal that you know the man right I’m generalizing but that the man interpreted as well that was your yes right even though you said no right or you were stiff and pushing me away and fighting me off all of these other things indicated that well clearly you must have wanted it and I mean even in court this happens to serve victim survivors right yes and so when we think about reclamation right? Being able to reclaim pleasure from all of these oppressive systems, whether it be religion or the legal system or patriarchal oppression that seek to suppress women’s pleasure because they know that women who experience pleasure, who can say yes with their whole bodies can choose to live lives that are aligned, right? We can’t be mastered, right? when when we say yes with our whole bodies, when we allow ourselves to experience pleasure, that that is radical, that that is revolutionary. It is, right? It’s freedom. It is freedom in every possible way. And so, when I think about, right, these scripts that women write who have not had orgasm, who have not had that release, and it’s like, well, I can be kind of vulnerable with my partner. I do feel safe with them, but then I’m still not having an orgasm. Or, I’m actually not safe with this person, but I’m still having orgasms. Right? You think about like one night stands, right? You’re like, I don’t even know this person, right? But there’s a difference between your whole body saying yes to what’s happening and and your whole body not saying yes to what’s happening. Yes. And for a lot of women in their partnered sexual interactions, my whole body is not saying yes because of the scripts that were written for me from childhood about my body, about what we’re doing here, right? And whether or not it’s truly right for me to be doing what I’m doing. Because your like your marriage doesn’t flip a switch in your brain that all of a sudden makes everything that was wrong, right? Right. No, it’s not how it works. It’s not right. Everything that you’ve learned and integrated for however long before you enter that space is still living in you. It’s still in your psyche. Yeah. Yeah. It is. And so like the the deprogramming that needs to happen there is for many people very extensive for them to actually be in that space where they can fully experience pleasure partnered or solo. And again for the people who it’s not aligned to like practice masturbation or maybe you’re wanting to be abstinent from partnered sex. Okay great that’s fine. There’s still so many other places in your life that you can practice integrating pleasure. Yes. Right. And I think about coming full circle back to the lotion. I went on a journey to find the lotion that worked best for me, right? That felt most pleasurable to apply and the the experience of having it in my skin felt good to me, right? It was so generic, right? This is so generic. This blend of lotion and shea moisture oil, right? that the combination of those two things, it’s like, « Oh, that feels so nice. » Yeah. And I tried so many different products to get to the point where I’m like, « Yes, this is the thing. » But I gave myself permission to be wasteful. Arties don’t like that. Right. Right. I gave myself permission to be wasteful and try things that maybe weren’t going to work, right, that I would have to give away or toss. Yes. Saying that it’s worth it to give myself a pleasurable experience. It’s worth it. I’m worth it. Yes. Uhhuh. I am worth experiencing pleasure. Right? I remember when I had this partner and we were it was it was it was quick. It was quick. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. We had this we had this this time and it was I I think I had just Well, let’s see. I don’t even know how old my kid was. I don’t even know which kid I had already. I It’s a blur. Yes. Yes. Yes. We talked about the blur years. Yes, there’s a blur. But I had never had I think I had had an orgasm before, but I had never like squirted before. And I remember that first time. Yeah. Trees. Yeah. I was like, « What is this? » Because when I tell you it wasn’t a little Yeah. It was overwhelming response. Yeah. Right. So, I’m saying this because I had been sexually active before that. I mean, I had a kid and everything before that, but it was like this marker that I hit where it was like this turned up. Yeah. Time. And every time we had sex, I squirted crazy. It was like, « What is this? What? Can’t even sleep in a bed for two days cuz the whole thing has to dry. What is this? » And I remember thinking to myself, « Well, what was that? » Yeah. Because from that point, and I don’t know if it was that I was really attracted to that person or what it was that did it for me. Yeah. But that threw me over the marker. I was like, « Dang. » And so I think ever since then I’ve always wondered in the back of my head, yeah, what was that? And how? Because they were like, you this must be what you do. And I was like, I’ve never done this before. I don’t even know what you’re doing to me that’s doing that. Yeah. You know, and so what’s weird is that or not weird, but what’s interesting is that I still I still don’t know. Yeah. I’m still on this discovery. Yeah. that, you know, where I I, you know, I’m trying to find my pleasure points. Yeah. Trying to find things that work for me, that where if whether I’m using my vibrator or whatever, like I can experience that full pleasure, that full moment, that full release where I can be like a whole person. Yeah. Yeah, you know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean and it sounds wonderful. What I’m hearing is that with this particular partner, you were able to experience a fullness of pleasure that you had not ever experienced up to that point. And since you’ve experienced pleasure, but maybe not in that way. And so there’s a part of you that’s on this like self-discovery journey to see how can I recreate that experience or a new version of it for for who you are now. Yes. And I have a couple questions for you. Oh yes. So the first is how did he respond when it happened? He was blown a freaking way. Yeah. He was like what? Yes. is are you like, « Oh my god, do you need some water? Like what? » Because what am I doing? And I was like, I don’t know. Yeah. And he was just very I think he was um taking it back, but then I think he was doubting like he didn’t believe me that I was saying, « I don’t know what this is. I’ve never done this before. » And all I could gather was maybe I really like him. Yeah. Because I mean it’s not that I didn’t like the other partners that I’ve had, but I was like maybe I really really like him. Yeah. I don’t know what this was. Yeah. Um so yeah. Did you feel acceptance from him in that moment? Did you feel shamed or judged or criticized? I didn’t feel that. I felt like he didn’t believe me. So I don’t know what that is. I think he felt like you are lying. You do this. And I was like, I don’t do this. I really don’t do this. I don’t do this for a lot of reasons that you don’t even know, brother. Main reason cuz I’m a good Christian girl. And whatever is coming out of me is obviously the devil’s choosing. Oh my gosh. Where did this come from? How did this happen? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I I asked that for two reasons. The first is when I think about kind of what was the special sauce that that brought out the devil’s juice, right? What was it? I think about the ways that acceptance and somebody looking at what’s right with you as opposed to what’s wrong with you, right? Freeze us. I think a lot of times to experience maximum pleasure like when we can be our full quirky sexual selves with someone and not feel judged or criticized, right? And as you say, he was taken back and he was curious and he was maybe doubtful like, you know, clearly this has happened before me, right? I think about the difference between you’re lying, you’re lying and you lying, you lied. This is the really, you know, right? And so both are I don’t believe, but the feeling of the first one is shuts me down. The feeling of the second one opens me up. Yes. And I want to explore more of this with you. Exactly. And so I think about like, you know, there are lots of women I think who have the capacity to squirt in sex, but maybe not everyone actually experiences the right kind of touch, pleasure, sensation, right, feeling state that opens that up, right? And I think oftentimes it comes from like being really sexually in uninhibited with someone. Uh-huh. And so sometimes it’s the partner that really kind of like blesses all of the inner freak to show up. Right. Bless it. Right. And when they do, it’s like amazing what your body can experience. Yeah. Right. When you just have someone who provides an opening for that, right? And maybe it’s really explicit like foreplay like where we’re talking about what’s going to happen and what we’re wanting from each other. That is like an invitation for me to bring my full self. Yeah. Yeah. Because I think I noticed that about myself. Yeah. Where I need to Anyway, I I I am the one that you spoke about earlier. Yeah. That could have sex every day. Yeah. Multiple times a day if there was time. Yeah. I just am that way. I’ve always been that way. Yeah. But um but I have learned now that I need to consistently engage in conversation. Not it doesn’t have to be sex conversation or sexual but is some form of intimacy throughout the day. Right? So just a text or you sent me a Door Dash of a coffee or you know, hey baby, I’m just thinking about you. Just so um just God I can’t you know all those things are it’s like you’re priming me to be just exactly what I want to be. And then you just reap the benefits of that. Honey, you’re reaping the benefits. Yeah. It’s like a you think like Formula 1 racing, right? Like these cars are so well tuned, right? And it’s like all the maintenance that goes in to keep this car like running at a level of perfection. Perfection that when you get in and you put your foot on the gas, you know, it’s gone. Yeah. You’re hundreds of miles an hour in seconds. Seconds. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that the beauty of getting to understand what pleasure looks like for you is being able to articulate what you just articulated. I know that I’m a person who likes to have sex many times a day, you know, if I can. But I also know that this level of communication and interaction from someone at this frequency in this way, right, is the thing that helps me to show up optimally. Yes. In sexual interactions. Right. So that’s like that’s the equivalent of I know that when I put the lotion on this way that I like this speed, this pressure, this tempo. Yeah. Right. And and that knowledge translates very well to sex because then when your partner’s touching or rubbing, you can say I actually ah I like the pressure of his hand. Oh, I like the his hand feels different from my hand. Yes. Right. Maybe the size or the roughness or the softness, whatever it may be. Right. And so then you can give feedback. Yeah. And then having a partner that’s open to hearing that. Yeah. Because I you have to think responsible sons have their own performance wounds and they see themselves as like I am the seller of pleasure, right? I am the proprietor. You come get pleasure from me. From me. Yeah. And therefore, if we have sex and you didn’t feel like I took you literally to the moon and back, then now I feel my worth is diminished. Yes. Because he’s taking on all the responsibility to provide a pleasurable experience, right? Without even being fully honest about what he might need in that pleasurable experience. Yeah. And so it feels, you know, emasculating. It feels like I have less worth if I can’t make you have an orgasm, right? Or if you are not wanting sex as much as I’m wanting it or if you don’t feel comfortable initiating it. But for responsible daughters raised in this context, many of them don’t feel comfortable initiating sex or feel comfortable and put themselves out there and then get shamed for it. Right. Yeah. Shame is huge. It’s huge. Yeah. It’s huge. It’s immobilizing. Right. And that’s why there’s so many responsible daughters and sons that are living these completely like secret lives of sex behind the pull pit. Episode four, right? Like talk about it, please. Talk about it. Cuz what? Yeah. Because I can’t be honest here. Yeah. And it’s like why? I don’t I know why, but I I hate that it has to that sex feels like this secret taboo thing when when all of the things that allow me to experience pleasure I was born with. So whether you believe I evolved from a bang or a cell or a cluster of cells or was created in the image of God, all of these things were things that I came with. Yeah. And if I came with these things, why is it that that they should not be fully utilized until, right? Like we don’t say that about anything else, right? Don’t use your brain until, right? Don’t use your hands until like No. No. And and I think I think about I think about the spirit of the law versus the letter of the law. What would be the spiritual benefit to not having sex before marriage? There’s something really special about being in a committed relationship with someone to be able to create a sense of safety, right? That you’re here for me and I’m here for you and we can explore this beautiful thing together. And also it limits disease. Yes. Yes. The likelihood of disease. It limits that greatly. Right. Right. And it means that since a natural consequence of having sex for many people is procreation, having babies, that if children are produced from this union, that they will be in the context of a family to provide and support them, right? I mean, there are lots of benefits to it. And also, sexual development starts from like your earliest interactions. How pleasurable is it for a baby to nurse at a breast, right? Or to drink from a bottle. The sucking reflection reflex in an infant is pleasure driven, right? It’s not just sustenance. It feels good. I feel connected to my mother. There are chemicals being released in my brain that create this pleasurable experience both for her and for me so that we both keep coming back to it. Right. Right. For survival. Yes. And connection is a part of that survival. Right. Not just food. Right. I recall this episode of Bridgetgerton where um it was in the first season. So my favorite couple. Yes. Same. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. Cuz everything else since it’s just been What is this? I mean it’s fine but Okay. But yeah. So when she came home the daughter after her first weekend or whatever when they went on their honeymoon and she busted through the doors and she was like I have to talk to you mom. Yes. And she was like, « You sent me Yeah. out with this man with no information. You didn’t teach me anything about Yeah. this what what am I supposed to do with this? » Yeah. You didn’t share anything with me because it was taboo. You were It’s sacred. It’s quiet. It’s a little bit. No. No. I I I needed I April also needed to know Yeah. What do you do with this body? Yeah. And it’s okay to discuss these things in my opinion. Please tell me, you know, with your daughters, with your sons, early. Yes. Because it’s the full use of your body. Yes. And I feel like people can take less advantage of you. Yeah. When you know the information. Yes. I’m not saying go outside today tomorrow little you know child and you be inappropriate but that’s comes with knowledge too is learning what’s appropriate and what’s not. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I started my career in health and human services in early childhood education. All right. And I remember like you could be changing a toddler’s diaper, right? And let’s say it’s a little, you know, boy and he reaches down and he grabs his penis. The way that the teachers respond, « No, that’s bad, right? » Or move the hand away, right? Or the way that we create these alternate names for body parts, like it’s bad to say technical names for them. Like there’s shame embedded in parenting and we are stifling healthy sexual development from a very young age. M and so I agree with you 100% like any solid curriculum around sexual abuse prevention for children starts off with empowering them to speak about their body. Yeah. And to be able to identify their body, right? To be able to say that secrets are bad, right? We don’t do secrets. We don’t do secrets. Yeah. And no one can tell you, oh, this is our little secret, right? Because you know that, right? Nobody can say that it’s okay for me to touch this thing, just not that thing. But you don’t know the technical name. you don’t know the difference. There’s so many ways that children can be taken advantage of and are taken advantage of because of a lack of information, because of shame, right? Full circle. Yeah. And programming that our bodies and healthy developing sexuality is bad. We have to rewrite that. We do. We have to rewrite that. We do. I think from a medical standpoint, an emotional standpoint, um, and, and a spiritual standpoint, stop making it like, you know, it’s a pro. I mean, because there’s so, like you said in the beginning, there’s so many things on this spectrum. There’s people that, like me, I’m I love it. I’m like, « Oh, yes. Okay. I can’t wait to get home, you know? » Yeah. And then there’s people that are like, you know, I I would like to touch less. Even talking about those things with your kids, like, you know, so that they are not, and I don’t mean kids kids, but definitely in these developmental stages where they know, you know, more about themselves or how to My two and three-year-old boys know they have penises, right? And I can’t tell you how many times I’m going to change a diaper or help someone and I’ve got a two or three-year-old boy making up a song about his penis like this. My penis is like and and I don’t shame it. Right. I don’t shame it. And I say like your penis is yours for you. Right. Right. It’s not a thing that you share with other people. Right. It’s for you. It’s for you. So, we can talk about the appropriateness of like, please don’t go out and be like ripping your pants off and singing my penis, right? And also, don’t be ashamed that you have one, that you have one. And don’t feel like touching it is wrong. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Touching it is wrong. Looking at it is wrong. Because I mean, I remember when I was going I mean, I still work out a lot, but when I was starting to work out more, my trainer was like, « Get dressed and undressed in front of the mirror. » Period. that’s your assignment because you need to be able to see yourself. And I was like, « Girl, settle down now. I am, you know, a sexual person. » Yeah. And stuff, but I never made it my own. Yeah. It it it was in my head always for, you know, you the love of your husband, you know, the male gaze. The male gaze. Yeah. What it looks like for them. So, I’m gonna arch my back this way because I think it looks and really I probably look crazy, you know? I think it looks sexy because I’m trying to make sure that it looks pleasing to them. That just actually doesn’t feel good to me. And I think for most of us, the sexiest thing is like fully embodied confidence. Right. Right. It’s not like, oh, them titties sag a little bit. Like, no. Because you can have the perkiest sit up the mostest, fullest, and if you walking around like this, Right. Right. Right. That’s not sexy. That’s not sexy. It’s not sexy. And the reality is when you feel comfortable and confident in your body because you recognize it’s for you first. You don’t internalize when when it’s not for somebody. Yeah. Like I don’t need to be for everyone. I need to be for me. And I’m not trying to be for everybody either. But when I believed that my body was for the male gays, I internalized every male rejection. Dang. Yeah. And I mean it’s and it’s so harmful Yes. to how you see yourself and what you allow yourself to require in a relationship when you believe that your value is held in another person’s assessment of how good or not good you are. Right? You think about toxic work environments, right? Where it’s like they hold in that review, that 90-day review over your head, right? Or that yearly review over your head. And I’m constantly performing to meet your standard so that I can keep this job. And I’m living in fear. Yeah. Because I can’t do what I want to do the way I want to do it. I want to work remote, but you saying I got to come into the office, right? Like I can’t. Right. I want to do my 40hour week job in 20 hours, but you say I have to be here 40, right? Like everything is so transactional and the power dynamic dictates that it’s transactional in a way that disadvantages you. And the same thing happens for a lot of straight women, especially sexually, right? Because you find yourself in a position where like your worth and worthiness and value Yeah. is directly proportionate to how valuable the man in your life or the men in your life see you. And that is so harmful. It is. Because you’ll always be performing. I know. And it’s so draining. It is. It is so draining. And I think that that’s why I was so comfortable being single for so long because I was like, « Honey, I just, you know, this bonnet is giving peace and restoration to this this this hair and I I’ve heard from so many that they hate the bonnet. » Yes. So, because I’m, you’re only here because you think that you want me to look like this and you want me to wear this lingerie and you want me to do all these things and I’m actually not doing that. Yeah. Because I don’t want to. It’s not It’s not my thing. Yeah. So, it’s just not enough for you all collectively because I’ve put you all in this box of only viewing me as a sex figure, sex toy, a sex option. And then when you’re done, you just leave. So, I had all these other layers to that as well. And I was like, I can just I can just do me. Yeah. Trust me, I got I got an arsenal of toys that will handle all the things that you can’t obviously. Yeah. And then I just kind of reclused in that way. And I think for the woman who can say with her whole body that wearing the bonnet and using the toys and living the single life brings her joy and fulfillment. Hallelujah. Please wear that bonnet with pride. With pride. Right. Eat in the bed. Eat the bed. Oh my god. And no one understands. My sister is like, « Why are you just » and I said, « Honey, this is my sanctuary. » Yeah. Do all of it. All the things. Do all of it. And also because two things can be true. Some women are living that life and it’s not what they chose. And they’re not living it from a whole body yes perspective, right? They are living it because they are so burnt out on the pressure and the exhaustion of performing to be seen as worthy enough in someone else’s eyes. Right? That that burnout has led to a level of apathy. I don’t care about relationships and I don’t want relationships because I’ve never fully felt seen, valued, or safe. Yeah. At the same time. At the same time. In a relationship. I know. And so now I’m choosing a life where I can just be without having that level of pressure, right? And it’s not what they want. They want to be seen, valued, and loved and cherished in the context of a relationship. They just haven’t experienced it. I know. And so radical accountability. How much have you required it? Yeah. And how much have you bought into the script that you need to perform the worthiness? Oh, that’s deep. Hard truth. It is a hard truth. Yeah. But it deserves acknowledgement and then change and growth. Yes. because um there’s so many women that I talk to that are unfulfilled in their relationships or are claiming to be fulfilled in their singleness, but I can tell they’re not. Yeah. And when they say the things like um you know, I don’t I don’t need no man. I don’t I don’t I don’t I’m not interested in this. I’m not interested. I don’t care about this. I don’t care about that. you know, I know differently. And I just always encourage women to, you know, uh, try something new. Yeah. Try try something new. I I know it’s easy to to box out and close off and stuff, especially when it’s been 15, 20 years. I had a woman tell me that that she just the other day, she was like, I I don’t know that side of me. Yes. She’s like, « I haven’t I haven’t been touched in 20 years. » And I said, « Really? » And she said, « Yeah, I I just think I’m I’m well. I’m dried up. My well is dried up. » And I said, « No, it’s not. You’re still young. You’re still young and you’re still viable. You still can and should. I don’t care if it’s been 50 years. » Yeah. It’s like a garden. Come in with some fertile soil. Come in with some water. Till it a little bit because it’s a little dry and a little tricky. Right. Right. The right amount of pressure, right? The right amount of fertile potting soil. Right. And plant some seeds of love. Yeah. Right. Plant some seeds of acceptance. Which is very shame busting. Yeah. Plant some seeds of allowing that person to feel seen and valued, right? And important to you. Yeah. And see what grows. It’ll be like them Carl’s bad flower fields. Everyone is everyone who wants it is capable of it. Yes. And in the whole body yes framework I say if you don’t have it in your life ask is it truly that I don’t want it. Right. Or is it that I have not been able to achieve it and therefore I’ve devalued it because I have not had it. Right. The fox and the sour grapes. Right. You keep trying to get the grapes and when you can’t autumn grapes is sour anyway. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. So I think for many people it is the burnout and the exhaustion and the pain, the grief and loss of longing for a thing for so many years and not getting it right. And then you go to the reactionary I’m going to cut it all off. Yes. Burn it up. But what you don’t realize is when you burn it up, you’re burning too. Oh my god. You’re not just cutting that off. You’re literally sacrificing a whole part of you. A whole part of you. And so you’re not living a full life, right? When we talk about that full experience of joy, you’ll never have that because you don’t have the full spectrum of experience. God, this is why they pay her the big bucks. Oh my god. Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah. Okay. Okay. That is rich. Rich and so true. Yeah. Because I’m telling you, I just had this conversation two days ago with someone and I don’t have all of your knowledge and experience, but all I knew was it’s not too late. Yes. So to to our audience, to our viewers, to our handle her with care family, it’s not too late. Don’t give up on yourself, on your whole self, that includes your sexual self. Yes. You know, if you didn’t know that we are, you know, a part of all the beings, we are sexual beings, too. Yes. And it’s okay to explore that and should be. Yes. I mean, at 40 years old, I’m 40. I now am comfortable like I’m I’m on this camera and I have a microphone. Yeah. And I’ve said sex. I even said squirt. You did. Okay. And I was talking about me. You was. And that is huge because the shame that I have felt in my life surrounding sexual experiences, encounters, Yeah. you know, relationships, um, it it has only brought shame. Yeah. And only brought discomfort. And so for that, you know, I’m I’m thankful. I’m excited for myself because I know now not all of what I need in a sexual relationship because I’m still discovering. Yes, I’m becoming and as I meet him and you know, who knows who he is long term, but as I meet him, I’ll be able to construct my life the way that that that I’m worthy of receiving that. Yes. So, give us five tips if you have them. Okay. on how to deeper explore pleasure pleasurable experiences for us maybe okay I don’t know so I mean my five tips would be five senses okay engage every one of your five senses and make note of the things that you find pleasurable the things that you like the things that excite you the things that energize you and make note of the things that don’t do and the things that don’t scale them. Scale them. Scale them. Meaning, what’s maximum pleasure? Okay. Right. On a 10point scale, 10 being the most pleasure you can experience in an interaction. Okay. How much pleasure do you get from fast touch, right? Fast rubbing, let’s say. Okay. How much pleasure do you get from slow touch? From high pressure touch, right? From pain. What types of pain feel pleasurable? What types of pain do not, right? You know what? When you hear words from people, if I say, « Oh, you look nice today. » How pleasurable does that feel? Versus when I say, « I love your hair color. » It is so beautiful. The variations of color in your Oh my god, it’s like a sunset. Oh my god. Yes, girl. So, think about the way that feels in your body because it’s specific. specific versus the general, right? Because when you know these things about yourself, do you know what you can when when you’re saying, you know what, I I don’t feel like I’m getting what I need in this relationship. I don’t really feel like my needs are met. And then your partner says, well, you know, I do this and I do that and I do this and I do that. Yeah, but but it it doesn’t I still don’t feel like right there stumbling and stuck on stutter because you don’t know what you actually do like and what feels pleasurable for you. And again, this is not to shame or bash any religion. Please believe what you believe because I believe that belief systems and spirituality help us to be whole people. Yes. And also don’t buy into any doctrine that says that you that you should be ashamed of any part of your body or any part of yourself. And I think we sometimes take the things of God and we apply our own contexts Yes. and scripts to them in a way that I think dilutes the power and the impact of the message. And so I encourage people to explore what does pleasure look like for you within your values context, right? It doesn’t have to look like individual or partnered sex if that’s not it. But if that is it, think about the ways that you may be letting shame or old scripts block you from exploring this fully, right? In a way that allows you to have full empowered dialogue about what you need and what works for you in every area of your life. I can tell you what jobs feel pleasurable for me. I can tell you what clients I work with feel pleasurable for me and which ones don’t. I love that. I have language for all of it. And that language and understanding empowers me to make the choices that are aligned so that I’m walking in my personal integrity. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I’m so thankful that I was able to have this conversation with you. Me too. And it resonates fully with me that we are on the right path. And I pray that you all as well um gained those experiences as well. Yeah. Because that that’s the goal here is to to grow. Yeah. Together. So um again, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having me. I thoroughly appreciate you having me back. Having you back. Yeah. And hopefully we can schedule and have you back again because I feel like the platform as we grow together. Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your comments. Um, you know, we can just continue the work, you know, to be better, to grow, and to do more. These are necessary conversations for our collective healing. Yes, they are. Yes, they are. Yeah. So, always remember to handle yourself with care. Um, all of you, all of yourself with care. Shantrice, how can we reach you? You can reach me on Instagram at dr.shantrice Shantrice or on my website at www.shantreparks.com. Okay, wonderful. And you know, you can reach me at rockstar_life on Instagram. Um, also handlehwithcare_odcast on Instagram as well as my link that will take you to all of the places where you can hear this wonderful conversation. Uh, www.aprilmarieholland.com. And I’m so excited to have you in in here with us, living this life with us. That that means the world to me. So we will see you soon. Always remember, handle yourself with care and others. And I’m just thankful to have you. Blessings. Bye. .

Déroulement de la vidéo:

0.16 Hey everybody, it’s your girl April Marie and welcome to Handle Her with Care podcast where we are gracefully
7.12 unfiltered. I am so excited to be with uh here with you today. Um as usual, you
14.0 guys are my heart and I hope that you you feel that because that’s why I’m here for you. Uh thank you so much to my
21.92 creative space 661 Creator Space. You guys make my podcast dreams come true. for everything that you do here for me
28.4 in support of this podcast means everything to me and uh I love y’all. Thank you. Uh thank you again to my
35.44 sponsors myhairhoney.com. If you don’t have a bottle, get you a bottle cuz let me tell you, it’s
41.28 everything. It smells good. It feels good. You can even take it and rub the the excess on your elbows because it’s
46.8 100% organic. It’s natural. Uh this is the bottle. It’s so pretty.
53.039 Okay. And like I always say, it sits right next to my Chanel and it goes right right beautiful on my countertops.
59.76 Like it’s it’s not ugly and it smells good. And that’s not not usual for oils and hair oils, right? Like a lot of
67.04 times they stink. So this one is not that. Uh so definitely visit myhairhoney.com. Uh so hi. Hey.
76.799 I wanted to take a moment and welcome our guest. You are not new to the podcast. No, I am not. This is Dr.
83.759 Shantre Parks and she is here with us today again and I’m so thankful that you
89.52 took the time out to come and join us uh and share some more enlightening facts
95.759 about being a woman and being beautiful and sharing space with other people, you
102.24 know, and how we do that. So today our topic is
108.479 sexual identity development in black women raised in conservative Christian
115.36 contexts. I love that that sounds like the title of a research paper.
120.719 Well, I don’t know. I mean, I am a researcher. You are. That is right up my
125.84 alley. and and I’m going to try and uh remove a little bit of the academia
132.8 from that. Okay. Uh so what I would love to have conversation about is the way
140.879 that purity culture in Christianity and other religious contexts impacts the
148.64 sexual identities of black women who are raised in those contexts. Yeah. Sounds like this topic was written
155.519 for me and me and so many millions of others. Millions of others. Um, first of all, sounds like
164.16 it’s going to get juicy. Yeah. And I’m here for that. I love a good juicy topic. Yes. Uh, I love a good girl girl
171.12 moment. Okay. Um, and so let’s go. Yeah. So, all right. So, t
178.72 talk to me about this. What is this? Okay. So when I think about purity culture, I
186.08 think about the very heavy abstinence movement that I grew up in, right? And
192.8 they were giving out purity rings in churches. I did that. I did the purity ceremony. Oh my god. You are a survivor.
200.72 I’m a purity ring. Yes. And it it was all
206.64 about this idea that my responsibility as a Christian woman,
214.879 right, is to save myself, right, is the language until marriage. And
222.0 there at least for many of us were not productive conversations around
227.12 sexuality, sexual desire, pleasure period was not talked about because
233.04 purity was holy and pleasure was wicked and sinful. And any place in your life
240.48 that you experience excessive pleasure because that’s a thing. That’s a thing.
246.4 You are basically buying your like first class do not pass go do not collect $100
253.36 ticket to hell. Hell. Yes. Right. Heavy on the hell. Heavy on
258.88 the hell. And so I remember so many times, right, you see a sister
265.44 walking to church and and maybe she’s wearing a skirt that’s above the knee. Oh, like this one. Right. Above the
271.04 knee. There’s a little visible thigh. Uhhuh. Look at her. And some loving mother
277.919 would go give her a lap scarf. A lap scarf. Right. Yes. What is it? Loving
283.36 loving loving. Loving lovingly judgmental. Right. Give her the lap
288.56 scarf. And hearing, you know, if there was a a girl who’s in a group of guys
293.84 talking, comments like, « Oh, look at that bast tail girl over there talking to those boys. » No mention of the boys
300.72 and their interaction with the young lady. Yes. And and no stories are written about who they are or who they
308.4 should be based on that, right? But instantly stories are written about who she is and who she will be based on
314.8 those based on that interaction. Yes. Yes. That you are damaged goods if you have sex before marriage. Right. Right.
321.84 No man will want you. Oh my god. What are you living in my
327.36 house in my head? And that magically without ever having talked about it or
333.28 entertained the idea of healthy sexual development, right? You will become a
338.88 porn star on your wedding night, right? You’ll know exactly what to do, exactly how to do it. You’ll know exactly what
345.36 works for you. You’ll orgasm in 3.5 seconds so he doesn’t have to work too hard.
351.28 And give your husband maximum pleasure, right? And somehow you’ll both enjoy that. And and that will set the stage
357.919 for a healthy and thriving sexual relationship blessed by God because you waited. Because you waited. Because you
363.6 waited. Dang. All of that responsibility. That’s a lot. It is a lot. Because it’s not real. It is
369.919 absolutely not real. It’s not real. And I mean, I I definitely lived it right as
375.28 I’m hearing you say you did as well. And I remember as a young therapist working with couples
381.039 having these Christian couples come in and like we’re not having sex or sex is
386.08 painful, right? Sex doesn’t ever feel good to me. Right. And very like
391.759 frustrated husbands like how come she doesn’t know what’s going on or what she should be doing. Um I don’t understand
398.8 why she can’t have an orgasm. That doesn’t make any sense. She doesn’t know what she likes. She doesn’t know what she wants. Right. But you’re not allowed
405.039 to know what you like. absolutely not allowed to know what you like or explore that in any way outside of the context
412.16 of marriage, right? And so I even think about culturally, right, when you hear
418.479 uh women talk about or even men talk about getting mad, I’m in my hoe phase, right? Just because you’re dating people
425.199 or maybe have multiple sexual partners that even the language although it’s, you know, been maybe reclaimed or or
432.4 repurposed, right? Repurposed for sure. still like I’m taking this negative concept and applying it to
437.84 developmentally healthy behavior.
444.8 And so there’s a lot of baggage there, tons. And as it relates to the
449.84 responsible daughter framework that we talked about the last time I was here, right? This plays heavy in the
456.4 responsible daughter who performs so much of her sexual relationships
461.52 that she really struggles to get any need met for sexual pleasure with a
468.0 partner and oftentimes even with herself to fully experience it without shame.
474.8 Right. Because shame is huge. Yes, it is. Shame is huge. Um I remember doing
482.56 the purity uh ceremony at my church. It was a whole ceremony like a it’s like it’s like a
488.8 wedding. Yeah. And um you know having to wear this white and parents bought these
496.16 rings and you know dad put these rings on us and he was like yeah you can save
502.0 yourself for marriage. And I always knew that I was not doing that. And I felt
509.44 horrible because I accepted this ring and this purity whatever and signed up for this
517.76 chastity thing. And then when I didn’t do it right, like I knew I wasn’t going
524.399 to do it, but then when I didn’t do it, Yeah. I still felt like I I mean and I had I
530.64 guess broken a vow that I made to God. Um
535.839 and I had a lot of crazy guilt, but it didn’t really show up as guilt, I think,
542.8 until I got married. And then I was kind of like turned off by sex or like
550.959 weirded out by certain touch and things and I didn’t understand why. But I think
557.519 it all played this weird role in Yeah. like accepting the pleasurable
562.959 experiences and being open to them and excited by them.
568.72 Yeah. And then it anyway it didn’t help that who I married was a minister pastor. And so then he was like, you
574.959 know, at some point when I was still hyper sex, because I’ve always been hypersexual,
580.08 always liked it. Okay. But he said he was like, « I just want you to
587.36 like come like I I do want to have sex with you, but like I feel like you’re always wanting it. It’s just not
592.399 attractive to always be so sexual. » And I was like, « Isn’t this the space for
598.24 that? » Yeah. Like I thought this was the time for me to be Yeah. that girl. Yeah.
604.8 So then it made me very closed up. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it’s
610.56 easy to kind of write a story that there’s something wrong with me that I want sex as much as I do, especially
616.399 because I’m in the context of marriage now where it’s supposed to be like biblically acceptable. And now my
623.44 partner is saying that it’s too much, right? And without analyzing uh your
630.24 marriage, sure. I’m I’m looking at the internalized scripts around like when I
636.24 police someone’s desire Yeah. for sex, right? Right. It is either too much or too little, right? Is problematic very
644.72 much so. That ultimately there’s a spectrum. Yes. And on that spectrum there are some people who have like high
652.32 spontaneous desire. Right. Right. where I just have a desire for sex and it comes out of
658.48 nowhere. I don’t need a whole lot of stimulation before like there are very few buttons you need to push to activate
664.079 this in me, right? And some people who are more on the responsive end of the spectrum where I actually need certain
671.44 things like candles or lighting or touch needs to feel a certain way or like you
678.079 can’t have just come from the gym. You need to smell very clean. I need to have a clean bedroom and a freshly made bed.
684.48 Like when you put the right conditions in place, then desire comes up for me,
691.6 right? And that we’re just designed differently. And the God that I believe
696.88 in created us all with beautiful diversity. Yeah. And so these things
703.6 only become problematic when we pathize the difference. Okay. What do you mean by that? I mean, when when I start to
710.399 say it’s a problem to you that you want sex too much, right, then we have
716.56 problems, right? Because I get to write a script about you that there’s something wrong with you, right? And I get to be right. Everything is right
723.04 with me. Everything’s right with me. Yes. Yes. As opposed to h I am
728.959 comfortable with having sex once or twice a week. You’re comfortable with having sex once or twice a day. Cool.
736.079 Let’s talk about that. What do we need to do to create optimal circumstances so that both of us gets as
743.6 much of what it is that we want in a way that feels aligned for both of us. And
749.519 spoiler alert, people are not having as much sex as you think they’re having. Like on average, okay, the average
757.04 couple is having sex one time a week, right? Technically less statistically
762.399 than one time a week. Really? Yes. Oh, no. Yeah. I’m not in a couple right now.
768.079 Yeah. So, I’m And and the reality is there are also couples that are having tons of sex every day and that that’s
776.0 fine as long as they’re both enthusiastically consenting to it. Yeah. Enthusiast saying yes with their whole
781.839 body. Saying yes with their whole bodies. And if we can in any relationship that we’re in, identify
788.48 what it is that we need, give our partner space to identify what it is that they need and have vulnerable and
794.639 open communication about that, then we can cultivate the relationship that works well for both of us. And that may
800.16 be the integration of self-pleasure with partnered pleasure. If okay, I have a
805.279 desire to have more sex than my partner can enthusiastically consent to and your
810.959 partner being okay and accepting of Yes. and not shaming that, right? Or buying
817.04 into the myths, right, which unfortunately some of my brothers do as it relates to women that if you use that
823.04 vibrator, then you’re not going to be able to have kind of an organic orgasm
828.8 with me, right? You will always need the support of a sex toy, right? Right. It’s
834.48 just it’s a myth. It’s not true. Or that if you orgasm too much for masturbation, then you’re going to become spoiled
841.04 somehow and expect that you should always have orgasms every time you don’t think like that, do you? Come on,
846.639 brothers. I mean, I wish that I could say these things had not come up in my
851.76 real live sessions like in the wild in real life. These are the
857.839 these are the things that people are actually believing, okay? or that something is medically wrong with me if I don’t want sex as much as my partner
864.399 wants it. Yeah. Like is also a thing that often times the partner with the like lower desire, right, comparatively
872.8 wants. But the reality is like for every woman out there who’s comfortable with sex one time a week, there’s a man who’s
878.079 also comfortable with sex one time a week, right? And there’s nothing wrong Yeah. So with you if you Yeah. Don’t
886.16 leave your partner to find that man. Right. It just takes a conversation.
891.519 Well, some conversations. Many conversations. Yeah. Because this isn’t like a oneanddone thing because again,
897.519 the arc of the responsible daughter is I recognize that I’m overfunctioning and I
903.12 am leaning more into meeting someone’s needs than I am in taking space alongside someone else in the
909.68 relationship. And so, the first thing I need to do is become aware of that. And then once I am aware of that, check in
915.68 with myself. What is actually values aligned for me? And once I know that, then I’m in the place where I’m having
920.88 those conversations from that whole body yes perspective to say that whatever it is that we’re talking about is coming
927.519 from a place where yeah, I I really do want this or I don’t want that, right? And that it’s not drop it at your feet
934.56 and run away, right? If you don’t like it or if it doesn’t resonate with you, let’s engage in a little bit of healthy,
940.8 productive back and forth. Conflict is growth trying to happen. Conflict is growth trying to happen.
949.12 Yes. And so sometimes we run away from conflict in conversations because we think, « Oh, conflict bad. » Right. Right.
954.639 We don’t automatically agree. You’re not the same human that I am. You don’t think and feel exactly as I do. Right.
960.24 This isn’t safe. Right. This isn’t safe. But the reality is we can be safe in
966.56 many sexual romantic relationships. Okay. if we can be open about like what
972.24 we like, what we don’t like, what works for us and what doesn’t. And many RDs haven’t done the work to figure that out
978.079 outside of their relationships because of the scripts around how bad that is,
983.839 right? From that conservative Christian or religious perspective. When Dr. Shantree said RD, she’s meaning
991.36 responsible daughter. Yes. And if you haven’t viewed that episode, go back and check it out because this will give you
997.279 context into exactly what we’re talking about. Yes. Um, wow. Yeah, that’s that’s
1006.639 a lot. It is a lot. And it’s so interesting, I think, because,
1012.56 you know, being raised in the church and and then
1018.32 always being told, you know, you want to find a man who’s also in church. and who uh loves the Lord. And yes, we
1027.199 do. But what I found is that a lot of our young Christian men, they’re not
1034.559 interested in the woman who the church has raised. So the woman who the church
1040.0 has raised has a lap scarf and she’s, you know, fully draped and drizzled in
1046.0 in purity. and she is poised, modesty, and
1051.2 graceful. And then you see them can’t wait to dart out the church doors and head on down to
1058.88 the cornerstone and find a freak and find a freak. Nasty.
1064.799 Turn it up. Who going to turn it up? But so then we have a lot of Christian women
1070.559 or religious women that are benched indefinitely because they don’t know
1077.919 what they like. They don’t know how to do anything. You’re right. They’re they’re they’re struggling with even
1085.36 seeing themselves. They don’t even look at themselves naked. They feel grossed out and like they’re doing something
1091.28 wrong just by being, you know, how many times I’ve been told that like a vulva is disgusting or nasty
1098.16 by a woman. By a woman. By a woman who’s never actually held a mirror down to her
1103.28 vulva and seen what it looks like. Now, do you recommend that? Highly, highly, highly fall in love with it, please. It
1110.08 is a part of you. Yeah. Practice comprehensive self-love. Every part of
1115.76 you is beautiful. if for nothing more than the function that it serves. Right.
1121.52 Right. A liver is not super pretty to look at, but damn am I grateful for it. I love you. Where are you? Yes. I love
1128.32 you liver. Yes. Yes. And I think it’s like, well, you know, my vulva it it
1134.4 drapes a little. Right. Or or mine is too thick, too full. Right. Mine doesn’t
1140.559 look like the the picture that I was shown in my healthful living class. Right. Right. Right. that that white
1148.4 and pink small. Yes. Right. And so I think there’s all this internalized
1156.72 messaging that we have and it’s really internalized self-hatred. Yes, it is.
1161.76 And again, back to systemic oppression because always it’s always always a factor. It’s a factor, right? We are not
1169.28 taught as black women that we are beautiful and that our bodies are beautiful. I know we are taught that we
1174.96 are objects of desire. Yes. Right. We are taught that our that we are we are
1180.64 hypersexualized right by others from a very young age. There’s research that
1185.679 supports that we are seen as older than our actual chronological age from a very young age and people adultify us. Yeah.
1194.559 And that also contributes to why we become responsible daughters and over functioning because we take on way too much responsibility at too young an age.
1201.36 Right. And also what that then does sexually is you are looked at as an object of desire and a tool for
1208.32 pleasure. And you can’t be self-possessed in your search for pleasure. It can’t be
1214.799 about you or what works for you. It is about satisfying like the lust of
1221.36 someone else. That is your value is what we are taught. And so I’m not going to
1227.12 blame all of this on the church. This didn’t start with the church. And as a person who still identifies as
1232.88 Christian, I’m not even saying that I have a problem with this concept um in general of abstinence. If you if it
1240.88 values align for you, right? But I’m also a person who believes very heavily
1246.72 in free will, which I believe was the first gift that God gave. Free will. Yes. And free will means that you have
1253.919 the right to self-determination. What does sexuality look like for you? What is the healthiest and most values
1260.24 aligned version of that for you? If it is masturbating, then masturbate, right?
1265.76 And if it is not, there are many other ways that you can explore seeking pleasure and getting an understanding
1272.4 for what you like and don’t like that don’t even involve having sex with another person or sexual self-pleasure
1279.039 through masturbation. Well, what is that? Like, I only knew the two. You know what
1286.24 I mean? Honestly, this is A or B, right? I didn’t know there was more. Uh, my
1293.76 eyebrows are up. Okay, let’s let’s talk about Let’s talk about that. Pleasure. Yes, pleasure. Right. Oh my god. Cuz
1302.08 that is a that is a sticky word. It sounds cringy. I’m repeating it. Yeah.
1308.72 Because it’s making people uncomfortable. Pleasure. It made me uncomfortable for a very long time.
1313.84 Yeah. Or a very, very long time. And so my my own work right apart from what I do professionally my own work in getting
1320.72 comfortable with pleasure involved looking at erotic energy as energy that starts with
1328.32 like five senses. Right? If you think about the best
1333.44 sexual experiences you’ve ever had, all of your senses were probably
1338.88 involved. Yeah. Right. There were sounds that were pleasurable to you. You were
1344.4 looking at things that were pleasurable to you, right? You were tasting things that were pleasurable to you. You were
1349.44 touching things and being touched in ways that were pleasurable to you, right? And we can explore the use of
1356.32 five senses to seek pleasure outside of sex. And we should be reasonably every
1361.76 day. Every day. Every day. I love coffee. Drinking coffee is very pleasurable to me. It is it is a
1368.64 ritualistic thing that I do in the mornings and I play around and turn up
1374.48 and down the volume on my pleasure. Today I’m drinking coffee espresso mixed
1379.679 with a protein shake. It is functional. It tastes good, right? But that’s volume down because it doesn’t give me the same
1386.88 tingles as Yes. as like taking the time in the morning to use my coffee maker
1392.24 that I love so much, my espresso machine. Yeah. To make a vanilla latte. at home. It’s just every step is
1400.32 layering smell. Yeah. And I’m playing with temperature, right? Holding the
1405.6 warm glass and taste, layers of taste. And I love that. It’s a sexy experience.
1413.52 It is a very sexy experience. And I get to have it every morning. And sometimes
1418.799 I’m driving my kids to school and I’m sipping my latte at stoplights
1425.919 or while I’m in traffic and I’m just so good. So good. So good. Yeah. I think
1433.679 about the experience when you come out of shower out of the shower, right, and you’re putting on lotion on your body.
1438.72 Yeah. Playing with touch, right? And yes. Do I like a firm touch as I’m
1445.6 applying the lotion or oil to my skin? Yeah. How does it how does lighter touch
1450.64 feel? Right. Girl, you about to make me go get in the shower and make a latte. I
1457.039 hope so. Oh, I think about there’s um every spring if you uh live in Southern
1464.0 California, the city of Carl’sbad has these flower fields and they’re all of these beautiful tulips. Tulips, excuse
1469.919 me, of different colors. I love the experience of going and like walking and looking at the flower fields, right?
1475.919 Visually, it’s so beautiful and so stimulating. Yeah. Micholene Thomas,
1481.679 love, love, love her art. And she had an exhibit at the Broad in LA called All
1486.72 About Love. And as a black artist who clearly loves and deeply appreciates the
1492.24 black female body, looking at the ways that she honored black women through her art, it was so visually stimulating.
1499.52 Wow. And I went there with my husband, right? We’re walking through the exhibits. We’re looking at the and it was a sexy experience. Yeah. There was
1507.039 no sex happening, right? But all of my senses were engaged. She has these vignettes. One of them looks like an 80s
1513.919 auntie living room, right? And so it’s like the couch with the plastic over the
1519.679 sofa, right? The stereo and the vases. Like it was it was my childhood. Someone
1525.36 reconstructed my childhood and it transported my entire body back to I
1530.72 could hear Luther, right? I can hear Anita. Yeah. Yeah. And and I’m thinking, wow, what a pleasurable experience to be
1536.64 transported back. And the way that I’m feeling in my body right now is so amazing. Pleasurable. Yes. And this is
1543.52 also I mean big connection back to our last episode. We talked about whole body. Yes. Right. this idea of being
1549.679 able to feel fully in your body whether or not something is in alignment for you or whether it’s not. If you don’t slow
1555.84 down enough to feel and recognize what is pleasurable for you, how can you discern if something is a yes or not?
1564.24 How many things are we consenting to thinking, well, it’s good, it’s good. So, so that equates right because it’s
1569.679 good to do, right? Just because I can do a thing means I should do a thing, which is inherently untrue. It’s Yeah. Dang,
1577.919 I’m on a soap box right now. I need to No, you’re not. I need to step down. I’m like I just want to sit Indian style
1583.76 like this. Like what? Yeah.
1590.0 Okay. So, take us back to the pressure of the rubbing the lotion. Yes. Yeah.
1595.679 Yes. Because Uhuh. Yeah. I’ll let you finish. Yeah. I I agree with that. I
1602.32 have a specific body butter that I love. Yeah. And
1608.24 now that I have the time, yeah, because I’m not rushing out to go do all of the things, I
1616.0 I take the time and I put that on. And sometimes I have to stop myself from
1621.44 feeling guilty because right now I’m just taking the time. I’ve never even thought about pressure and
1628.799 speed, intensity, speed, intensity of it. I just have taken like the moment to
1634.88 say I’m going to use this body butter because I love it. Yeah. And then I’m going to rub it on. And yes, I might be
1642.72 doing it fast, but I’m using that one. So, I need to be a little more um
1648.88 intentional with the process. Yeah. So that I can so
1654.0 that I can feel I I I have turned off a lot of my senses. Yeah. Because of R my
1660.4 RD. Yeah. I I’m like, I don’t need to feel this. I don’t need to Nope. I’m I’m lotioned up. My my my skin’s not dry, so
1667.2 we’re fine. I Yep. I just grabbed whatever I had and threw it on and went on cuz I had to do D. You know, when
1673.36 you’re overunctioning, you can’t stop to feel too many things because sensory
1678.799 input evokes emotion and thoughts and I don’t have space for those things
1686.24 when I have to be so much for so many people. If I stop I mean you think about this for responsible daughters and I
1692.88 think for many people when a death happens when loss happens when you’re grieving right like how many of us are
1699.919 actively planning the funeral cooking food for a repass comforting people when we’ve lost a loved one yes
1707.679 like I can’t stop to feel because the script is that if I stop to feel I will
1713.279 fall apart and everyone that I am holding will fall apart. Dang. And it’s harder to deal with that outcome in my
1719.679 mind, right, than it is to deal with the discomfort of sitting with these feelings. I lived that way for like a
1726.96 long like years, like 10 years or more. Yeah. Yeah. And I would say that I would
1732.0 say, « Oh, no, no, no. I don’t I don’t cry. I don’t cry. I don’t cry because if
1738.32 I cry, I’ll never stop. » Who has time for that, girl? That’s what That’s literally what I would say out loud.
1744.48 People say, « Oh, didn’t you? Oh my gosh. I was just I’m like, « Okay. » I say, « You didn’t cry. » And I say, « I can’t cry,
1751.6 baby. What? » Yeah. Cry off that. Yeah. If I start crying, all of the things that I need to be crying about are going
1758.399 to rush to the forefront and I’ll never stop. Right. No one has time for that. Yeah. And that was my script. Yeah.
1766.559 Well, I hope you’ve rewritten that. Shoot. I had to. I hope that we’ve
1772.0 rewritten that. We have rewritten that. And what I am very conscious of
1779.52 especially scripts around like emoting right crying or having rage, right?
1786.64 Okay. Or being scared about a thing or being joyful like and I don’t mean just
1792.32 happy, but that giddy little girl joyful, right? Where I’m like dancing around and being a little silly. these
1798.399 scripts that we write that I don’t have time or space or that it’s not productive to experience those things
1804.96 directly impact how much pleasure we can experience in a sexual relationship. And think
1812.559 about it like pleasure is really simple, right? It’s like the right the right
1817.679 application of pressure to the right nerve endings at the right time sends a signal to your brain, right? You’re so
1822.72 smart. I love you. So So pleasure is is simple, right? When you think about it
1828.24 scientifically, but when we think about the kind of emotional or spiritual
1834.0 aspects of pleasure, it’s the safety to release, right? It’s the safety to
1840.0 surrender and to open up. And a lot of times we don’t have that with ourselves,
1845.12 right? It is now, this was not always the case, but it is now pleasurable for me to cry because I do it by myself or
1852.799 with my husband. Oh, wow. And I feel like it is a purge, right? It’s it’s an
1860.799 emotional and a relational reset. Okay. To be able to feel all of my feelings
1866.399 and release the pressure and the tension in my body, right? Sounds scary. Sounds
1871.919 like an orgasm really if you think about it, right? Same concept. It does. It’s this buildup buildup buildup of pressure
1878.48 and then the release, right? And so even that now I can find joy in, right?
1884.96 Joy in grief and release and overwhelm and stress. All of these things kind of
1890.96 coming together and then the surrender. The surrender. Yeah, it does sound like an orgasm. And I know there are so many
1902.48 women that have never experienced that. Yes. But I
1908.24 also just listening to what you’re saying about how you release and you’re able to cry either with yourself or with
1915.279 your husband. I feel like the two would go hand in
1920.799 hand. If you can’t release your emotions one way, how can you even feel them
1927.36 over, you know, like your your absent feeling? Yeah. Is what it sounds like. I don’t know. But yeah, it’s it’s
1933.919 interesting because I’ve I’ve seen both happen, right? I to your point, I’ve met
1939.76 so many women personally and professionally who have never had an orgasm, right? Or maybe it’s been so
1946.72 inconsistent that they they have no idea what caused it, maybe the one or two times that it did happen in their entire
1953.279 kind of sexually active phase of life. Yes. And also, there’s this belief that
1959.36 if I can’t be vulnerable or safe with someone that I can’t have an orgasm.
1964.64 And scientifically that’s not necessarily true. Okay. Because of a concept called arousal non-concordance.
1973.84 Right. Yeah. Go with me for a second. We’re going to school. I’m with you. I’m with you. So arousal non-concordance
1980.0 is this phenomena that I can experience sexual arousal from a thing that I’m not
1986.96 actually sexually desiring. And so this often happens in sexual assault or
1993.039 molestation. Okay, just because someone is applying touch in a way that
1998.08 activates the nerve endings and sends a signal to your brain, oh, this touch is
2003.44 pleasurable, right? You can become sexually aroused by it, even though
2008.72 there’s definitely no enthusiastic consent. This is not a thing that you’re wanting to have happen. This is not a
2013.919 thing that is psychologically, emotionally pleasurable to you, right? It’s just simply the physical sensation
2021.679 that represents something sexual in your brain, right? That creates arousal for
2026.72 you even though you don’t want it in that moment. And that’s why there’s a
2032.399 lot of victims that feel guilty. Okay? Because then you’re
2038.08 writing scripts about who you are because, well, I didn’t want this thing to happen, but
2044.799 I there was vaginal lubrication there, right? I got wet. Right. My nipples got hard even though I didn’t want this
2050.8 person to touch me. Right. Right. I experienced an orgasm even though this was not penetration that I welcomed.
2056.879 Right. Right. And so there’s all of this like shame script writing about that
2062.0 when scientifically there’s a lot of research that supports like no this was not you at all and the reaction that you
2068.399 had doesn’t mean that in any way, shape or form that this was right or okay. Right. But oftentimes as women we write
2075.679 the script that those things were the signal that you know the man right I’m
2081.919 generalizing but that the man interpreted as well that was your yes right even though you said no right or
2089.119 you were stiff and pushing me away and fighting me off all of these other things indicated that well clearly you
2095.599 must have wanted it and I mean even in court this happens to serve victim survivors right yes and so when we think
2101.92 about reclamation right? Being able to reclaim pleasure from all of these
2107.119 oppressive systems, whether it be religion or the legal system or
2112.24 patriarchal oppression that seek to suppress women’s pleasure because they know that women who experience pleasure,
2119.76 who can say yes with their whole bodies can choose to live lives that are aligned, right? We can’t be mastered,
2127.599 right? when when we say yes with our whole bodies, when we allow ourselves to experience pleasure, that that is radical, that that is revolutionary. It
2134.48 is, right? It’s freedom. It is freedom in every possible way. And so,
2141.68 when I think about, right, these scripts that women write who have not had orgasm, who have not had that release,
2148.24 and it’s like, well, I can be kind of vulnerable with my partner. I do feel safe with them, but then I’m still not having an orgasm. Or, I’m actually not
2154.88 safe with this person, but I’m still having orgasms. Right? You think about like one night stands, right? You’re like, I don’t even know this person,
2161.119 right? But there’s a difference between your whole body saying yes to what’s happening and and your whole body not
2167.04 saying yes to what’s happening. Yes. And for a lot of women in their partnered sexual interactions, my whole body is
2174.079 not saying yes because of the scripts that were written for me from childhood about my body, about what we’re doing
2180.4 here, right? And whether or not it’s truly right for me to be doing what I’m doing. Because your like your marriage
2187.119 doesn’t flip a switch in your brain that all of a sudden makes everything that was wrong, right? Right. No, it’s not
2195.2 how it works. It’s not right. Everything that you’ve learned and integrated for however long before you enter that space
2202.0 is still living in you. It’s still in your psyche. Yeah. Yeah. It is. And so like the the deprogramming that needs to
2209.92 happen there is for many people very extensive for them to actually be in that space where they can fully
2216.079 experience pleasure partnered or solo. And again for the people who it’s not
2221.92 aligned to like practice masturbation or maybe you’re wanting to be abstinent from partnered sex. Okay great that’s
2228.0 fine. There’s still so many other places in your life that you can practice integrating pleasure. Yes. Right. And I
2233.76 think about coming full circle back to the lotion. I went on a journey to find
2239.599 the lotion that worked best for me, right? That felt most pleasurable to apply and the the experience of having
2246.56 it in my skin felt good to me, right? It was
2252.0 so generic, right? This is so generic. This blend of lotion and shea moisture
2257.76 oil, right? that the combination of those two things, it’s like, « Oh, that feels so nice. » Yeah. And I tried so
2265.76 many different products to get to the point where I’m like, « Yes, this is the thing. » But I gave myself permission to
2271.44 be wasteful. Arties don’t like that. Right. Right. I gave myself permission to be wasteful and try things that maybe
2277.599 weren’t going to work, right, that I would have to give away or toss. Yes. Saying that it’s worth it to give myself
2283.68 a pleasurable experience. It’s worth it. I’m worth it. Yes. Uhhuh. I am worth
2288.8 experiencing pleasure. Right? I remember when I had this partner and
2298.56 we were it was it was it was quick. It was quick. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. We had this we
2307.2 had this this time and it was I I think I had just Well, let’s see. I don’t even
2314.48 know how old my kid was. I don’t even know which kid I had already. I It’s a blur. Yes. Yes. Yes. We talked about the
2320.64 blur years. Yes, there’s a blur. But I had never had
2328.24 I think I had had an orgasm before, but I had never like squirted before.
2335.119 And I remember that first time. Yeah. Trees. Yeah. I
2342.64 was like, « What is this? » Because when I tell you it wasn’t a little Yeah. It was
2350.0 overwhelming response. Yeah. Right. So, I’m saying this because I had been
2355.599 sexually active before that. I mean, I had a kid and everything before that, but it was like this marker that I hit
2361.359 where it was like this turned up. Yeah. Time. And every time we had sex, I
2368.16 squirted crazy. It was like, « What is this? What? Can’t even sleep in a bed
2374.0 for two days cuz the whole thing has to dry. What is this? » And I remember thinking to myself,
2380.56 « Well, what was that? » Yeah. Because from that point, and I don’t know if it
2385.76 was that I was really attracted to that person or what it was that did it for
2390.96 me. Yeah. But that threw me over the marker. I was like, « Dang. » And so I
2398.32 think ever since then I’ve always wondered in the back of my head, yeah, what was that? And how? Because they
2405.119 were like, you this must be what you do. And I was like, I’ve never done this before. I don’t even know what you’re
2410.32 doing to me that’s doing that. Yeah. You know, and so what’s weird is that or not weird, but what’s interesting is that I
2418.4 still I still don’t know. Yeah. I’m still on this discovery. Yeah. that, you
2425.2 know, where I I, you know, I’m trying to find my pleasure points. Yeah.
2431.92 Trying to find things that work for me, that where if whether I’m using my
2437.359 vibrator or whatever, like I can experience that full
2443.359 pleasure, that full moment, that full release where I can be like a whole
2451.2 person. Yeah. Yeah, you know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean and
2456.319 it sounds wonderful. What I’m hearing is that with this particular partner, you were able
2463.119 to experience a fullness of pleasure that you had not ever experienced up to
2468.64 that point. And since you’ve experienced pleasure, but maybe not in that way. And
2475.359 so there’s a part of you that’s on this like self-discovery journey to see how can I recreate that experience or a new
2483.359 version of it for for who you are now. Yes. And I have a couple questions for
2488.48 you. Oh yes. So the first is how did he respond when it happened?
2496.24 He was blown a freaking way. Yeah. He was like what? Yes. is are you like, « Oh
2504.72 my god, do you need some water? Like what? » Because what am I doing? And I was like, I don’t know. Yeah. And he was
2512.72 just very I think he was um taking it back, but then I think he was doubting
2519.599 like he didn’t believe me that I was saying, « I don’t know what this is. I’ve never done this before. » And all I could
2526.72 gather was maybe I really like him. Yeah. Because I mean it’s not that I
2531.839 didn’t like the other partners that I’ve had, but I was like maybe I really really like him. Yeah. I don’t know what
2538.4 this was. Yeah. Um so yeah. Did you feel acceptance from
2545.2 him in that moment? Did you feel shamed or judged or criticized?
2551.04 I didn’t feel that. I felt like he didn’t believe me. So I don’t know what
2556.4 that is. I think he felt like you are lying. You do this. And I was like, I
2562.4 don’t do this. I really don’t do this. I don’t do this for a lot of reasons that
2567.599 you don’t even know, brother. Main reason cuz I’m a good Christian girl.
2572.88 And whatever is coming out of me is obviously the devil’s choosing. Oh my gosh. Where did this come from? How did
2579.119 this happen? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I I asked that for two reasons. The first is when
2585.2 I think about kind of what was the special sauce that that brought out the devil’s juice, right? What was it? I
2592.64 think about the ways that acceptance and somebody looking at what’s right with you as opposed to what’s wrong with you,
2599.359 right? Freeze us. I think a lot of times to experience maximum pleasure like when we can be our full quirky sexual selves
2605.839 with someone and not feel judged or criticized, right? And as you say, he was taken back and he was curious and he
2612.24 was maybe doubtful like, you know, clearly this has happened before me, right? I think about the difference between you’re lying, you’re lying and
2619.119 you lying, you lied. This is the really, you know, right? And so both are I don’t
2624.319 believe, but the feeling of the first one is shuts me down. The feeling of the
2630.4 second one opens me up. Yes. And I want to explore more of this with you. Exactly. And so I think about like, you
2638.72 know, there are lots of women I think who have the capacity to squirt in sex, but maybe not everyone actually
2645.2 experiences the right kind of touch, pleasure, sensation, right, feeling
2650.8 state that opens that up, right? And I think oftentimes it comes from like
2655.839 being really sexually in uninhibited with someone. Uh-huh. And so sometimes it’s the partner that really kind of
2663.359 like blesses all of the inner freak to show up. Right. Bless it. Right. And
2668.96 when they do, it’s like amazing what your body can experience. Yeah. Right.
2674.72 When you just have someone who provides an opening for that, right? And maybe it’s really explicit like foreplay like
2682.0 where we’re talking about what’s going to happen and what we’re wanting from each other. That is like an invitation
2687.44 for me to bring my full self. Yeah. Yeah. Because I think I noticed that
2694.079 about myself. Yeah. Where I need to
2699.2 Anyway, I I I am the one that you spoke about earlier. Yeah. That could have sex every day. Yeah. Multiple times a day if
2706.72 there was time. Yeah. I just am that way. I’ve always been that way. Yeah. But um but I have learned now that
2718.16 I need to consistently engage in conversation. Not it doesn’t
2725.119 have to be sex conversation or sexual but is some form of intimacy throughout
2732.48 the day. Right? So just a text or you sent me a Door Dash of a coffee or you
2739.599 know, hey baby, I’m just thinking about you. Just so um just God I can’t you
2746.079 know all those things are it’s like you’re priming me to be
2751.52 just exactly what I want to be. And then you just reap the benefits of that.
2757.839 Honey, you’re reaping the benefits. Yeah. It’s like a you think like Formula 1 racing, right? Like these cars are so
2765.68 well tuned, right? And it’s like all the maintenance that goes in to keep this car like running at a level of
2771.839 perfection. Perfection that when you get in and you put your foot on the gas, you
2777.2 know, it’s gone. Yeah. You’re hundreds of miles an hour in seconds. Seconds. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that the beauty
2785.44 of getting to understand what pleasure looks like for you is being able to articulate what you just articulated. I
2792.64 know that I’m a person who likes to have sex many times a day, you know, if I can. But I also know that this level of
2801.599 communication and interaction from someone at this frequency in this way, right, is the thing that helps me to
2807.599 show up optimally. Yes. In sexual interactions.
2813.04 Right. So that’s like that’s the equivalent of I know that when I put the lotion on this way that I like this
2818.64 speed, this pressure, this tempo. Yeah. Right. And and that knowledge translates
2824.319 very well to sex because then when your partner’s touching or rubbing, you can say I actually ah I like the pressure of
2832.48 his hand. Oh, I like the his hand feels different from my hand. Yes. Right. Maybe the size or the roughness or the
2839.52 softness, whatever it may be. Right. And so then you can give feedback. Yeah.
2846.24 And then having a partner that’s open to hearing that. Yeah. Because I you have to think responsible sons have their own
2852.319 performance wounds and they see themselves as like I am the seller of
2858.319 pleasure, right? I am the proprietor. You come get pleasure from me. From me. Yeah. And therefore, if we have sex and
2864.96 you didn’t feel like I took you literally to the moon and back, then now I feel my worth is diminished.
2871.599 Yes. Because he’s taking on all the responsibility to provide a pleasurable experience, right? Without even being
2879.04 fully honest about what he might need in that pleasurable experience. Yeah. And
2884.16 so it feels, you know, emasculating. It feels like I have less worth if I can’t
2890.88 make you have an orgasm, right? Or if you are not wanting sex as much as I’m wanting it or if you don’t feel
2896.56 comfortable initiating it. But for responsible daughters raised in this context, many of them don’t feel
2902.319 comfortable initiating sex or feel comfortable and put themselves out there and then get shamed for it. Right. Yeah.
2909.68 Shame is huge. It’s huge. Yeah. It’s huge. It’s immobilizing. Right. And
2915.359 that’s why there’s so many responsible daughters and sons that are living these
2921.44 completely like secret lives of sex
2926.72 behind the pull pit. Episode four, right? Like talk about it,
2933.68 please. Talk about it. Cuz what? Yeah. Because I can’t be honest here. Yeah. And it’s like why? I don’t I know why,
2941.599 but I I hate that it has to that sex feels like this secret taboo thing when
2951.2 when all of the things that allow me to experience pleasure I was born with. So whether you believe I evolved from a
2958.96 bang or a cell or a cluster of cells or was created in the image of God, all of
2966.16 these things were things that I came with. Yeah. And if I came with these things, why is it that that they should
2974.319 not be fully utilized until, right? Like we don’t say that about anything else,
2979.44 right? Don’t use your brain until, right? Don’t use your hands until like
2985.2 No. No. And and I think I think about I think about the spirit of the law versus
2990.48 the letter of the law. What would be the spiritual benefit to not having sex
2996.96 before marriage? There’s something really special about being in a committed relationship with someone to
3003.359 be able to create a sense of safety, right? That you’re here for me and I’m here for you and we can explore this beautiful thing together. And also it
3010.64 limits disease. Yes. Yes. The likelihood of disease. It limits that greatly.
3016.4 Right. Right. And it means that since a natural consequence of having sex for many people is procreation, having
3023.52 babies, that if children are produced from this union, that they will be in
3029.68 the context of a family to provide and support them, right?
3036.48 I mean, there are lots of benefits to it. And also, sexual development starts
3042.079 from like your earliest interactions. How pleasurable is it for a baby to nurse at a breast, right? Or to drink
3049.2 from a bottle. The sucking reflection reflex in an infant is pleasure driven,
3054.48 right? It’s not just sustenance. It feels good. I feel connected to my mother. There are chemicals being
3060.64 released in my brain that create this pleasurable experience both for her and for me so that we both keep coming back
3066.079 to it. Right. Right. For survival. Yes. And connection is a part of that survival. Right. Not just food. Right.
3073.599 I recall this episode of Bridgetgerton where
3080.48 um it was in the first season. So my favorite couple. Yes. Same. Thank you.
3086.96 Yeah. Okay. Cuz everything else since it’s just been What is this? I mean it’s fine but Okay. But yeah. So when she
3093.76 came home the daughter after her first weekend or whatever when they went on their honeymoon and she busted through
3099.28 the doors and she was like I have to talk to you mom. Yes. And she was like,
3105.28 « You sent me Yeah. out with this man with no
3112.24 information. You didn’t teach me anything about Yeah. this what what am I
3118.559 supposed to do with this? » Yeah. You didn’t share anything with me because it was taboo. You were It’s sacred. It’s
3125.04 quiet. It’s a little bit. No. No. I I I
3130.16 needed I April also needed to know Yeah. What do you do with this body? Yeah. And
3136.8 it’s okay to discuss these things in my opinion. Please tell me, you know, with
3142.96 your daughters, with your sons, early. Yes. Because it’s the full use of your
3148.72 body. Yes. And I feel like people can take less advantage of you. Yeah. When
3154.079 you know the information. Yes. I’m not saying go outside today tomorrow
3160.4 little you know child and you be inappropriate but that’s comes with knowledge too is
3167.599 learning what’s appropriate and what’s not. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I started my
3172.64 career in health and human services in early childhood education. All right.
3177.76 And I remember like you could be changing a toddler’s diaper, right? And let’s say it’s a little, you know, boy
3184.96 and he reaches down and he grabs his penis. The way that the teachers respond, « No, that’s bad, right? » Or
3190.0 move the hand away, right? Or the way that we create these alternate names for body parts, like it’s bad to say
3197.92 technical names for them. Like there’s shame embedded in parenting and we are
3206.0 stifling healthy sexual development from a very young age. M and so I agree with you 100% like any solid curriculum
3214.64 around sexual abuse prevention for children starts off with empowering them to speak about their body. Yeah. And to
3221.68 be able to identify their body, right? To be able to say that secrets are bad, right? We don’t do secrets. We don’t do
3227.92 secrets. Yeah. And no one can tell you, oh, this is our little secret, right? Because you know that, right? Nobody can
3234.319 say that it’s okay for me to touch this thing, just not that thing. But you don’t know the technical name. you don’t know the difference.
3241.119 There’s so many ways that children can be taken advantage of and are taken advantage of because of a lack of
3246.4 information, because of shame, right? Full circle. Yeah. And programming that
3252.0 our bodies and healthy developing sexuality is bad.
3257.68 We have to rewrite that. We do. We have to rewrite that. We do. I think from a
3262.88 medical standpoint, an emotional standpoint, um, and, and a spiritual standpoint,
3270.64 stop making it like, you know,
3275.68 it’s a pro. I mean, because there’s so, like you said in the beginning, there’s so many things on this spectrum. There’s
3282.4 people that, like me, I’m I love it. I’m like, « Oh, yes. Okay. I can’t wait to get home, you know? » Yeah. And then
3288.48 there’s people that are like, you know, I I would like to touch less. Even talking about those things with your
3294.8 kids, like, you know, so that they are not, and I don’t mean kids kids, but definitely in these developmental stages
3301.599 where they know, you know, more about themselves or how to My two
3307.599 and three-year-old boys know they have penises, right? And I can’t tell you how many times I’m
3312.96 going to change a diaper or help someone and I’ve got a two or three-year-old boy making up a song about his penis like
3319.28 this. My penis is like and and I don’t
3324.72 shame it. Right. I don’t shame it. And I say like your penis is yours for you. Right. Right. It’s not a thing that you
3330.96 share with other people. Right. It’s for you. It’s for you. So, we can talk about the appropriateness of like, please
3336.96 don’t go out and be like ripping your pants off and singing my penis, right? And also, don’t be ashamed that you have
3342.96 one, that you have one. And don’t feel like touching it is wrong. Yeah, I know.
3348.88 Yeah. Touching it is wrong. Looking at it is wrong. Because I mean, I remember when I was going I mean, I still work
3355.599 out a lot, but when I was starting to work out more, my trainer was like, « Get
3360.799 dressed and undressed in front of the mirror. » Period. that’s your assignment because you need to be able to see
3366.72 yourself. And I was like, « Girl, settle down now. I am, you know, a
3374.079 sexual person. » Yeah. And stuff, but
3379.28 I never made it my own. Yeah. It it it was in my head always for, you know, you
3385.76 the love of your husband, you know, the male gaze. The male gaze. Yeah. What it looks like for them. So, I’m gonna arch
3391.599 my back this way because I think it looks and really I probably look crazy, you know? I think it looks sexy because
3398.48 I’m trying to make sure that it looks pleasing to them. That just actually doesn’t feel good to me. And I think for
3403.839 most of us, the sexiest thing is like fully embodied confidence. Right. Right. It’s not like, oh, them titties sag a
3410.96 little bit. Like, no. Because you can have the perkiest sit up
3416.48 the mostest, fullest, and if you walking around like this, Right. Right. Right. That’s not sexy. That’s not sexy. It’s
3423.2 not sexy. And the reality is when you feel comfortable and confident in your body because you recognize it’s for you
3430.24 first. You don’t internalize when when it’s not for somebody. Yeah. Like I
3435.839 don’t need to be for everyone. I need to be for me. And I’m not trying to be for everybody either. But when I believed
3443.2 that my body was for the male gays, I internalized every male rejection. Dang.
3451.599 Yeah. And I mean it’s and it’s so harmful Yes.
3457.359 to how you see yourself and what you allow yourself to require in a relationship when you believe that your
3462.64 value is held in another person’s assessment of how good or not good you
3469.2 are. Right? You think about toxic work environments, right? Where it’s like they hold in that review, that 90-day
3475.68 review over your head, right? Or that yearly review over your head. And I’m constantly performing to meet your
3481.44 standard so that I can keep this job. And I’m living in fear. Yeah. Because I can’t do what I want to do the way I
3487.2 want to do it. I want to work remote, but you saying I got to come into the office, right? Like I can’t. Right. I
3492.24 want to do my 40hour week job in 20 hours, but you say I have to be here 40, right? Like everything is so
3498.799 transactional and the power dynamic dictates that it’s transactional in a way that disadvantages you. And the same
3506.079 thing happens for a lot of straight women, especially sexually, right? Because you find yourself in a position
3512.72 where like your worth and worthiness and value Yeah. is directly proportionate to
3519.68 how valuable the man in your life or the men in your life see you.
3526.24 And that is so harmful. It is. Because you’ll always be performing. I know. And
3531.28 it’s so draining. It is. It is so draining. And I think that that’s why I was so comfortable being single for so
3538.319 long because I was like, « Honey, I just, you know, this bonnet is giving peace
3545.44 and restoration to this this this hair and I I’ve heard from so many that they hate the bonnet. » Yes. So, because I’m,
3552.16 you’re only here because you think that you want me to look like this and you want me to wear this lingerie and you
3558.64 want me to do all these things and I’m actually not doing that. Yeah. Because I don’t want to. It’s not It’s not my
3565.359 thing. Yeah. So, it’s just not enough for you all collectively because I’ve put you all in this box of only viewing
3572.799 me as a sex figure, sex toy, a sex option. And then when you’re done, you
3578.24 just leave. So, I had all these other layers to that as well. And I was like,
3585.44 I can just I can just do me. Yeah. Trust me, I got I got an arsenal of toys that
3590.96 will handle all the things that you can’t obviously. Yeah. And then I just
3596.799 kind of reclused in that way. And I think for the woman who can say with her whole body that wearing the bonnet and
3604.319 using the toys and living the single life brings her joy and fulfillment.
3610.0 Hallelujah. Please wear that bonnet with pride. With pride. Right. Eat in the bed. Eat the
3618.079 bed. Oh my god. And no one understands. My sister is like, « Why are you just » and I said, « Honey, this is my
3623.92 sanctuary. » Yeah. Do all of it. All the things. Do all of it. And also because
3629.44 two things can be true. Some women are living that life and it’s not what they chose. And they’re not living it from a
3635.599 whole body yes perspective, right? They are living it because they are so burnt out on the pressure and the exhaustion
3645.28 of performing to be seen as worthy enough in someone else’s eyes. Right?
3651.68 That that burnout has led to a level of apathy. I don’t care about relationships and I don’t want relationships because
3658.319 I’ve never fully felt seen, valued, or safe. Yeah. At the same time. At the
3664.48 same time. In a relationship. I know. And so now I’m choosing a life where I
3669.68 can just be without having that level of pressure, right? And it’s not what they
3676.4 want. They want to be seen, valued, and loved and cherished in the context of a relationship. They just haven’t
3682.319 experienced it. I know. And so radical accountability. How much have you required it? Yeah. And how much have you
3689.119 bought into the script that you need to perform the worthiness?
3699.2 Oh, that’s deep. Hard truth. It is a hard truth. Yeah. But it deserves acknowledgement and then change and
3707.119 growth. Yes. because um there’s so many women that I talk to that are
3713.359 unfulfilled in their relationships or are claiming
3719.839 to be fulfilled in their singleness, but I can tell they’re not. Yeah. And when
3726.079 they say the things like um you know, I don’t I don’t need no
3731.44 man. I don’t I don’t I don’t I’m not interested in this. I’m not interested. I don’t care about this. I don’t care about that. you know, I know
3739.04 differently. And I just always encourage women to, you know, uh, try something
3746.319 new. Yeah. Try try something new. I I know it’s easy to to box out and close
3753.119 off and stuff, especially when it’s been 15, 20 years. I had a woman tell me that
3759.2 that she just the other day, she was like, I I don’t know that side of me.
3764.319 Yes. She’s like, « I haven’t I haven’t been touched in 20 years. » And I said, « Really? » And she said, « Yeah, I I just
3772.16 think I’m I’m well. I’m dried up. My well is dried up. » And I said, « No, it’s not. You’re still young. You’re still
3779.52 young and you’re still viable. You still can and should. I don’t care if it’s been 50 years. » Yeah. It’s like a
3786.88 garden. Come in with some fertile soil. Come in with some water. Till it a
3792.4 little bit because it’s a little dry and a little tricky. Right. Right. The right amount of pressure, right? The right
3799.119 amount of fertile potting soil. Right. And plant some seeds of love. Yeah.
3805.2 Right. Plant some seeds of acceptance. Which is very shame busting. Yeah. Plant
3810.559 some seeds of allowing that person to feel seen and valued, right? And important to you.
3818.96 Yeah. And see what grows. It’ll be like them Carl’s bad flower fields.
3825.52 Everyone is everyone who wants it is capable of it. Yes. And in the whole body yes framework I say if you don’t
3832.079 have it in your life ask is it truly that I don’t want it. Right. Or is it that I have not been able to achieve it
3838.0 and therefore I’ve devalued it because I have not had it. Right. The fox and the sour grapes. Right. You keep trying to
3844.48 get the grapes and when you can’t autumn grapes is sour anyway. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. So
3850.079 I think for many people it is the burnout and the exhaustion and the pain, the grief and loss of longing for a
3857.2 thing for so many years and not getting it right. And then you go to the
3862.64 reactionary I’m going to cut it all off. Yes. Burn it up. But what you don’t realize is when you burn it up, you’re
3867.839 burning too. Oh my god. You’re not just cutting that off. You’re literally sacrificing a whole part of you. A whole
3873.92 part of you. And so you’re not living a full life, right? When we talk about that full experience of joy, you’ll never have that because you don’t have
3880.16 the full spectrum of experience. God, this is why they pay her the big
3886.48 bucks. Oh my god. Yeah. Oh my god.
3896.4 Yeah. Okay. Okay. That is rich.
3901.839 Rich and so true. Yeah. Because I’m telling you, I just had this
3907.599 conversation two days ago with someone and I don’t have all of your knowledge and experience, but all I knew was it’s
3914.0 not too late. Yes. So to to our audience, to our viewers, to our handle
3919.119 her with care family, it’s not too late. Don’t give up on yourself, on your whole
3924.559 self, that includes your sexual self. Yes. You know, if you didn’t know that
3929.839 we are, you know, a part of all the beings, we are sexual beings, too. Yes. And it’s okay to explore that and should
3937.68 be. Yes. I mean, at 40 years old, I’m 40. I now am comfortable like I’m I’m on
3946.0 this camera and I have a microphone. Yeah. And I’ve said sex. I even said squirt. You did. Okay. And I was talking
3952.88 about me. You was. And that is huge because the shame that I have felt in my
3959.119 life surrounding sexual experiences, encounters, Yeah. you know, relationships,
3965.359 um, it it has only brought shame. Yeah. And only brought discomfort.
3972.079 And so for that, you know, I’m I’m thankful. I’m excited for myself because
3977.599 I know now not all of what I need in a sexual relationship because I’m still
3982.96 discovering. Yes, I’m becoming and as I meet him and you know, who
3988.559 knows who he is long term, but as I meet him, I’ll be able to construct my life
3996.799 the way that that that I’m worthy of receiving that. Yes. So, give us five
4002.4 tips if you have them. Okay. on how to deeper explore pleasure pleasurable
4009.2 experiences for us maybe okay I don’t know so I mean my five tips would be five senses okay engage every one of
4018.0 your five senses and make note of the things that you find pleasurable the
4024.96 things that you like the things that excite you the things that energize you and make note of the things that don’t
4031.68 do and the things that don’t scale them. Scale them. Scale them. Meaning, what’s
4037.599 maximum pleasure? Okay. Right. On a 10point scale, 10 being the most pleasure you can experience in an
4044.559 interaction. Okay. How much pleasure do you get from fast touch, right? Fast
4051.28 rubbing, let’s say. Okay. How much pleasure do you get from slow touch? From high pressure touch, right? From
4058.96 pain. What types of pain feel pleasurable? What types of pain do not, right? You know what? When you hear
4067.2 words from people, if I say, « Oh, you look nice today. » How pleasurable does
4072.88 that feel? Versus when I say, « I love your hair color. » It is so beautiful.
4078.48 The variations of color in your Oh my god, it’s like a sunset. Oh my
4086.64 god. Yes, girl. So, think about the way that feels in your body because it’s specific. specific versus the general,
4093.2 right? Because when you know these things about yourself, do you know what you can when when you’re saying, you
4098.319 know what, I I don’t feel like I’m getting what I need in this relationship. I don’t really feel like my needs are met. And then your partner says, well, you know, I do this and I do
4105.12 that and I do this and I do that. Yeah, but but it it doesn’t I still don’t feel
4110.319 like right there stumbling and stuck on stutter because you don’t know what you actually do like and what feels
4117.04 pleasurable for you. And again, this is not to shame or bash any religion. Please believe what you believe because
4122.88 I believe that belief systems and spirituality help us to be whole people. Yes. And also
4130.56 don’t buy into any doctrine that says that you that you should be ashamed of any part of your body or any part of
4137.679 yourself. And I think we sometimes take the things of God and we apply our own
4144.239 contexts Yes. and scripts to them in a way that I think dilutes the power and
4150.56 the impact of the message. And so I encourage people to explore what does
4156.239 pleasure look like for you within your values context, right? It doesn’t have to look like individual or partnered sex
4162.159 if that’s not it. But if that is it, think about the ways that you may be letting shame or old scripts block you
4169.679 from exploring this fully, right? In a way that allows you to have full
4175.279 empowered dialogue about what you need and what works for you in every area of your life. I can tell you what jobs feel
4183.199 pleasurable for me. I can tell you what clients I work with feel pleasurable for me and which ones don’t. I love that. I
4189.359 have language for all of it. And that language and understanding empowers me to make the choices that are aligned so
4196.48 that I’m walking in my personal integrity. Yeah.
4201.6 Wow. Yeah. I’m so thankful that I was able to have this conversation with you.
4208.4 Me too. And it resonates fully with me that we are on the right path. And I
4217.28 pray that you all as well um gained
4222.88 those experiences as well. Yeah. Because that that’s the goal here is to to grow.
4228.48 Yeah. Together. So um again, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for
4234.719 having me. I thoroughly appreciate you having me back. Having you back. Yeah. And hopefully we can schedule and have
4241.44 you back again because I feel like the platform as we grow together. Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for sharing.
4247.84 Thank you for your comments. Um, you know, we can just continue the work, you
4253.84 know, to be better, to grow, and to do more. These are necessary conversations for our collective healing. Yes, they
4260.8 are. Yes, they are. Yeah. So, always remember to handle yourself with care.
4266.0 Um, all of you, all of yourself with care. Shantrice, how can we reach you? You can reach me on Instagram at
4273.36 dr.shantrice Shantrice or on my website at www.shantreparks.com.
4280.08 Okay, wonderful. And you know, you can reach me at rockstar_life
4285.28 on Instagram. Um, also handlehwithcare_odcast
4290.64 on Instagram as well as my link that will take you to all of the places where you can hear this wonderful
4297.04 conversation. Uh, www.aprilmarieholland.com. And I’m so excited to have you in in
4305.36 here with us, living this life with us. That that means the world to me. So we
4311.679 will see you soon. Always remember, handle yourself with care and others. And I’m just thankful to have you.
4317.679 Blessings. Bye.
.