Une réalisation sur «masturbate» actuellement en ligne sur YouTube

Plongée dans « masturbate » avec TEDx Talks

Cette vidéo est une publication de TEDx Talks sur YouTube
portant sur « masturbate »:

Cette vidéo suscitait de l’intérêt au moment où nous l’avons trouvée. Le décompte de Likes indiquait: 284412.

TEDxStanleyPark, accompagnée de la description suivante :« Amour? Mariage? Sexe? Un couple marié peut-il avoir les trois? C’est peut-être irréaliste car tant de mariages se terminent par le divorce aujourd’hui. Pourquoi donc? L’une des raisons pourrait être qu’une augmentation de 20% de tous les mariages est sans sexe et ce nombre augmente. Pourquoi avons-nous perdu la luxure dans nos mariages? Est-ce la technologie, est-ce la confiance? Plus important encore, comment pouvons-nous «y revenir» dans nos mariages aujourd’hui? Maureen McGrath – Nursetalk@hotmail.com – Hôte de l’émission de sexe du dimanche soir sur News Talk 980 CKNW. Elle est infirmière autorisée, éducatrice sexuelle et auteur de «Sex & Health». Cette conférence a été donnée lors d’un événement TEDX en utilisant le format TED Conference mais organisée indépendamment par une communauté locale. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx ».

Grâce à sa portée mondiale, YouTube permet à chacun de découvrir des vidéos captivantes traitant de multiples thématiques tout en garantissant un environnement sécurisé. C’est une plateforme idéale pour explorer des idées originales et dialoguer de manière constructive.

Comprendre la masturbation : un défi pour transformer votre sexualité

Masturbation et sexualité vont souvent de pair, et cette pratique est largement considérée comme normale et bénéfique. Cependant, lorsqu’elle devient compulsive et se transforme en addiction, elle peut représenter un véritable challenge à surmonter pour préserver des éléments clés de la vie comme la santé mentale, les relations et l’équilibre au travail.

Établir un plan pour mettre fin à cette pratique

Présenter un plan de prévention contre les rechutes

• Se déconnecter de la pornographie : Bloquez les accès aux contenus explicites.
• Éviter l’accès à la pornographie : Installez des outils de filtrage pour bloquer l’accès aux contenus explicites.

Recommander des méthodes adaptées pour limiter cette activité

• Détecter les facteurs déclencheurs : Identifiez les situations qui suscitent l’envie.
• Analyser les éléments déclencheurs : Prenez conscience de ce qui crée l’envie.
• Repérer les déclencheurs d’envie : Identifiez les situations qui provoquent ce besoin.

Insister sur le rôle essentiel du soutien de la communauté

• Discuter avec un sexologue : Un expert en la matière pourra vous aider à avancer. (c’est le cas de ce site français chasteté.fr)
• Participer à des groupes de soutien : L’échange avec des personnes ayant des objectifs similaires est motivant.

Identifier les signes et les impacts de la dépendance à la masturbation

Reconnaître les symptômes d’une dépendance

La dépendance à la masturbation peut se traduire par une fréquence croissante et une difficulté à limiter l’activité, ce qui peut entraîner des problèmes dans la vie intime et affective.

Rechercher les effets de ces changements sur la santé mentale et physique

L’abus de masturbation, souvent lié à la consommation de pornographie, entraîne une stimulation répétée du système dopaminergique, ce qui peut conduire à des déséquilibres tels que l’éjaculation précoce, une fatigue accrue ou un sentiment d’insatisfaction dans les relations sexuelles.

Identifier les formes de masturbation et leur signification

Pratique sexuelle commune, la masturbation est reconnue pour ses effets positifs, notamment sur le stress et la conscience corporelle. Mais en cas d’excès, elle peut s’avérer problématique.

Comprendre les motifs derrière la croissance de cette pratique

Explorer l’influence de la pornographie sur les actions et attitudes

La pornographie constitue un facteur important. Elle alimente souvent l’envie de se masturber et peut fausser la compréhension de la sexualité.

Analyser les mécanismes psychologiques et émotionnels

Le stress, l’anxiété ou l’insatisfaction générale peuvent pousser à une pratique compulsive dans ce domaine.

Réfléchir au rôle de l’isolement et du désir

L’isolement et un désir non comblé, que ce soit dans une relation amoureuse ou dans la vie personnelle, sont des moteurs de cette pratique.

Analyser les avantages d’un sevrage réussi

Démontrer les étapes nécessaires pour un bonheur durable

La diminution de la dépendance entraîne des bénéfices durables dans tous les domaines de la vie.

Mettre en évidence les progrès dans les relations avec les autres

Les rapports amoureux deviennent plus épanouissants, avec une connexion plus intense sur les plans émotionnel et physique.

Illustrer le parcours menant à une meilleure stabilité mentale

Arrêter cette habitude permet souvent de retrouver plus d’énergie, une humeur positive et une meilleure concentration.

En dernière analyse

L’arrêt de la masturbation habituelle nécessite une démarche patiente et persistante. Avec un plan adapté et un soutien bienveillant, il est possible de surmonter ce défi et de vivre une vie plus équilibrée, axée sur des objectifs plus épanouissants.

Cliquez ici pour accéder directement à la vidéo sur YouTube :
la publication originale: Cliquer ici

#Pas #mariage #sexuel #Masturbation #solitude #tricherie #honte #Maureen #McGrath #Teedxstanlepark

Retranscription des paroles de la vidéo: It’s been said if you never want
to have sex again, get married. (Laughter) Sex is one of the most contentious
issues in marriage today, second only to finances. There are many married couples that have not had sex
for months, even years, and that’s OK as long as they are OK
with it and happily married. The problem arises when one person
in the relationship wants sex, and the other doesn’t. According to a national newspaper survey
of approximately 10,000 respondents – mostly married men – 75% were satisfied in their relationship, but more than 50%
were dissatisfied with their sex lives. We are having sex
– don’t get me wrong – we are just having sex at the wrong time,
and with the wrong people; I’ll get to that later. (Laughter) We are having sex before we get married,
ten years on average, so we are effectively
in a long-term relationship and potentially, quite sexually bored
before we even mess up the marital bed. And that has its consequences. Most brides today do not have sex
on their wedding nights, and 50% of men would not
have married their spouse had they known their marriage
was going to be sexless. So, everybody wants to know just how much sex
are married people having whether they are in heterosexual
relationships or same-sex unions. You all want to know what’s going on
at the Joneses; well, not much. (Laughter) Only about 7% of married couples
set the sheets ablaze. Most married couples have sex a little bit more than once a week
for the first decade of their marriage. It decreases after that. So they have sex about 58 times a year. And 20% of marriages meet the criteria
as a sexless marriage, and that, defined by the experts,
is sex less than ten times a year. So why aren’t we having sex
in our marriages? There’s a little-known
chemical in the brain conveniently called PEA or ‘PEA, ‘ and it’s responsible for the elation,
the excitement, and the euphoria that you feel when you meet somebody
that you are sexually interested in. It’s a fantastic feeling. This chemical is gorging
through your blood vessels. You are so happy; that’s
how powerful this little chemical is. But what happens after two years is that chemical diminishes
as does sexual frequency. That’s just about the time you might get married
or may have conflict in your relationship, and that is why communication
is key to great sex. There is another reason we are not having sex
in our relationship, and that has to do
with the sex education that we provide. I’d like to share a story about myself. When I was a teenager, my mother
came racing into my bedroom, and she said, « Maureen, please, tell me you have not allowed a boy
to French-kiss you. » She was feeling terrible
that the sex education came a bit late. And I was feeling horrifically guilty,
as an Irish Catholic girl, that I’d French-kissed a number of boys (Laughter) by that stage. We teach girls and women that sex is dirty,
and sex is bad, or it’s over rated. We say, « You’re just going to get
a sexual-transmitted infection anyway, » or, « You may get pregnant! » This whole fear-base thing
frightens women from enjoying sex, and we never talk about pleasure
or orgasm with girls and women. And in fact, some women say,
« Orgasm’s not important, » and that the journey is just as good
as the destination. I disagree. (Laughter) Of course. I am the one who French-kissed
all the boys, as an Irish Catholic girl. (Laughter) (Applause) It’s like getting on a train
with your lover, and you are going to the most pleasurable
place on the planet. You are so excited. You are getting lubed up with all
the free drinks they are giving you. This is amazing! And just before you reach
your destination, he gets off, and you don’t. (Laughter) You get my point. (Laughter) (Applause) The sex education
we have for boys and men: that’s entirely different. It’s a global program, it’s free,
it’s accessible to everybody, and it’s known as internet pornography. Fantastic! And it does nothing to teach
men and boys about intimacy which is really important to men and boys, or how to make love to anybody. Also, we have a paucity of information
about sexual health for LGBTQI community, and we need to add to that. Marriage can rapidly go
from a holy matrimony to holy hell with the finances, the kids,
the houses, the illness. I mean, you may have signed up
for sickness and health, but that was long before
you’d ever witnessed a man cold. (Laughter) And… (Laughter) And how about that richer or poorer thing? Ladies, we are going to have
to start going for richer. Most women today are working
inside and outside of the home. We are doing the lion’s share
of the housework because according to research,
men don’t feel they are that good at it. And we are bridging the gap between growing children
and aging parents. We are exhausted doing it all
and never doing it. And when we are doing it,
we are checking our smartphones. 10% of people check
their smartphones during sex (Laughter) 35% immediately afterward. We are connected to the Internet (Laughter) (Cheers) (Applause) We are connected to the Internet
and disconnected from our would-be lovers. Maybe this is the reason that the most common sex position
for married couples is doggy style. No, no, no! It’s not what you’re thinking. Get your minds out of the gutter. This is the one where he is
on all his fours and begs, and she plays dead. (Laughter) I have a clinical practice where I see
patients that have sexual dysfunction, and there are two questions
that I ask everybody. The first one is,
« Are you sexually active? » It’s obvious. When I ask women,
they never say yes or no – well, they never say yes – but they never say yes or no. They say, « Sometimes, » « Sort of, » « I am not sure, » « He is » (Laughter) or they say, « I am married. » I say, « Well, that means no to me. » They say, « Yes, sure. Right. it is no. » Most men complain
that women never initiate sex. The reason for this
is because, once again, the sex education we provide to women. Women falsely believe that female sexual interest, desire,
precedes sexual activity, when in actuality, it is sexual activity that prompts
sexual interest and desire. Sexual arousal emerges
as a result of sexual activity. So, you guys, I know,
intimacy is important to you. The most important question
that reflects this, that I receive from you, is, « How much masturbation
is too much masturbation? » (Laughter) So, I just say, « Well,
as long as you can go to work (Laughter) you should be fine. » And then I realize that that’s perhaps
all that what you are doing at work. (Laughter) So, I know intimacy is important. You want to come home,
and you want to make love to your wife if you are in a heterosexual relationship. So after a long
and quite possibly very hard day, you come home to a bit of chaos, perhaps, but you’ve just got sex on the mind,
and she says, « Did you remember the milk? » And you are like,
« Darn! The milk! I forgot the milk! » Don’t beat yourselves up about it; if not for the milk, we have Facebook, hormones,
« I am feeling a little tired tonight, » « My stomach is sticking out, I am feeling
kind of fat, can’t do it tonight, » « Didn’t we have sex last month? » And you are like,
« That was actually last year! » (Laughter) You don’t get it.
I mean, literally, you don’t get it. But you’re like, « She is amazing,
she works in and outside of the home, » « She does a great job
with the kids, » « She volunteers, » She even has time for girls’ nights out. So, I brought a friend home
after one such girls’ night out. As we approached her house, drove up,
she looked up to her bedroom window, she saw that the lights were on,
and she said, « Argh! Donny is waiting up for me.
Do me a favor. Drive around the block a few times (Laughter) until the light goes out. » I said, « Listen! You get in there
and make love to your husband, before somebody else does. » Because that is one thing
that will increase a woman’s sexual desire when someone else wants her man. Still unconvinced, she said, « I decided to extol
the health and beauty benefits that sex has for a woman: a youthful glow, better sleep,
wrinkle-free skin. Keep driving, » she said. (Laughter) There is a device that will increase
anybody’s sexual desire, and that happens to be
the Mercedes-Benz 4matic convertible SL (Laughter) and it comes in 64 colors. But if that doesn’t do it, the desire to have a baby will rev up
any woman’s sex drive. The problem is having that baby
is likely to kill it along with any marital eroticism
a couple may have had because a lot of people believe motherhood and being sexual
is incongruous. John followed me on Linkedln for two years
before he mustered up the courage to make an appointment
about his sexless marriage. He’d been married for seven years, and they had never
consummated the relationship. Their parents were pressuring them
to have children because they wanted grandchildren. When they came into my clinical practice, the second question that I ask everybody
that enters my clinical practice, most unfortunately, is, « Have you ever experienced sexual abuse
or unwanted sexual advances as a child? » This was the first time
this gentleman had learned that his wife had experienced
sexual abuse, as a six-year-old, at the hands of her best friend’s father. She thought sex was dirty, she hated sex. We need a worldwide moratorium
on ending sexual violence on our children, boys and girls,
because it happens to both. (Applause) Healing from sexual abuse
takes a lifetime. Ella had lived a lifetime. A widow, she said she wasn’t
sexually active, but she hoped to be. I thought, « Fantastic!
Somebody is going to have sex here! » But she said, « The problem, Maureen, is that these old guys
can’t get it up anymore. » I said, « Well, Ella, you might have
to go for a younger guy. » She said, « What’s younger
when you are 84? » (Laughter) « 70? » (Laughter) « Yes, » some of you are saying. The hard truth is that men in their 30s and 40s
may experience erectile dysfunction. Ella is going to have to go
for a millennial. (Laughter) So you are all probably thinking,
« What’s the big deal? Why treat my erectile dysfunction? » Well, I liken the penis to a plane. If the pilot can’t get
the plane up in the air and keep the plane
in the air for the entire trip, it’s probably a problem with the engine. So if you can’t get your penis up and keep it up
for the entire sexual experience, there’s likely a problem with your engine. Well, that’s your heart. Erectile dysfunction
is the canary in the coal mine, and it may signify cardiovascular disease. It may also indicate diabetes. So, these two medical conditions, in addition to low testosterone,
stress, substance use and abuse, excessive alcohol consumption,
unresolved conflict, financial issues, all of those may contribute
to low sexual desire, and you may end up in a sexless marriage. George presented to my clinical practice: at age 40, he decided to settle down. He was marrying a beautiful
and accomplished woman in a few months. There’s only one problem: George was gay! (Laughter) George could not bear to tell
his family that he was gay, because he felt it would have
shamed the entire family. I said, « George, you are going to end up
in a sexless marriage! » He said, « Tell me something I don’t know! » So, George said to me his plan was this, « Well, when my parents die,
I’m then going to divorce this woman, and I’m going to marry
the man that I love. » I said, « George,
you are not thinking straight! » (Laughter) Sex is the barometer
of the state of affairs in a marriage. People who live in sexless marriages
report feeling frustrated, unloved, undesirable, unattractive,
and the worst of all, lonely. And loneliness has been shown
to increase vascular resistance, elevate blood pressure,
and lead to an early death. You are more likely to die from loneliness than you are from obesity
or excessive alcohol consumption. When I educate women, and I say, « If you are not having sex
with your husband, someone else may, » they get upset, and they say that I am blaming women
for men’s bad behavior, when in actuality,
I am doing a community service. You see? Men in sexless marriages cheat
to remain in that marriage, in general. And women cheat
to leave a sexless marriage. And women cheat, too.
Nobody ever thinks we do. We are just sneakier about it,
we just don’t get caught. (Laughter) Or socialize very differently. This is one thing we have on you, guys. (Laughter) Women cheat with other men,
and women cheat with other women. And technology has made cheating
accessible for everybody: from the politician
to the stay-at-home parent. That quick swipe right can lead
to an online passionate love affair; from texting to sexting,
to secret phone conversations. The more two people communicate online, the more likely
an in-person encounter will occur. But you can always blame your genes. The gene DRD4
has been isolated in cheaters. And the sexless marriage’s just
the environment to turn on that gene. It’s based on a system
of pleasure and reward. The stakes are high,
the rewards, substantial. It is the perfect cocktail
to turn that love drug back on, PEA, and the cycle begins again. Historically, marriage was
not based on mutual love But rather it was an institution
to acquire, of all things, in-laws, property, and physical labor. But at the turn
of the 20th century, in America, egalitarian ideals and the emerging
Hollywood movie industry burdened marriages
with promising romantic love forever. And now we are living forever.
Fantastic! Congratulations! You get to have sex with the same person
for the rest of your life! The second most common question
that I hear from patients is, « When does sex end? » A 44-year-old asked me; he said,
« When does sex end, Maureen? 65? » I answered him this way,
« A 22-year-old asked me, ‘When does sex end, Maureen? 35?’
Everybody is older, until you get there. » I am here to tell you that sex never ends. If you are healthy, you can have (Cheers) (Applause) If you are healthy, you can have a great sex life
well into your 80s and 90s. Sex is good for you. Sex is healthy. Yet, sex is shrouded in shame. In the ancient aristocracies, the wealthy men had courtesans for pleasure
and concubines for quick sex. In the way we are going,
computers will be our concubines; internet pornography,
our mistress of the day. Technology is fast replacing
human connection at high speed. So, how do you rev up
the sexless marriage? Sex is about blood flow, it’s exercise. Everyday, you want
to have a daily workout. It increases your agility, your stamina. Women will experience
more sexual sensation when blood is flowing to the genitalia. It also helps to treat
erectile dysfunction. Also, get help for any of the sexual
dysfunctions you may have. Vaginal dryness is an issue
that happens to women who are on the oral contraceptive pill,
who are breastfeeding, perimenopausal, postmenopausal, and there are treatments for you. Pay more attention to your spouse
than you do to your smartphone. Spend more time in your bedrooms
than you do in your boardrooms, or your bedrooms
are going to become boardrooms. (Laughter) Deal with your marital issues. Go to sleep in the same bed,
at the same time, and don’t bring anything or anyone
into your marriage, except for a great sex toy
and a darn good sex therapist. (Laughter) You must establish guidelines that govern those moments
when you are struck by someone’s attractiveness
outside of your marriage. But don’t think for a second that you have to have sex
with the same person for the rest of your life. That’s not what I mean. In your mind, that is, fantasy is key. Your brain is your largest sex organ. And one more thing: I would like
to leave you all off with a bang: (Laughter) settle all marital arguments
in the bedroom, naked. (Cheers) (Laughter) (Applause) .

Déroulement de la vidéo:

0.0 It’s been said if you never want
to have sex again, get married.
20.374 (Laughter)
22.615 Sex is one of the most contentious
issues in marriage today,
27.576 second only to finances.
30.117 There are many married couples
32.019 that have not had sex
for months, even years,
35.699 and that’s OK as long as they are OK
with it and happily married.
40.763 The problem arises when one person
in the relationship wants sex,
46.143 and the other doesn’t.
48.784 According to a national newspaper survey
of approximately 10,000 respondents
54.054 – mostly married men –
55.744 75% were satisfied in their relationship,
60.739 but more than 50%
were dissatisfied with their sex lives.
65.567 We are having sex
– don’t get me wrong –
68.416 we are just having sex at the wrong time,
and with the wrong people;
72.893 I’ll get to that later.
74.796 (Laughter)
76.577 We are having sex before we get married,
ten years on average,
81.494 so we are effectively
in a long-term relationship
85.095 and potentially, quite sexually bored
before we even mess up the marital bed.
92.081 And that has its consequences.
94.712 Most brides today do not have sex
on their wedding nights,
99.394 and 50% of men would not
have married their spouse
103.502 had they known their marriage
was going to be sexless.
109.063 So, everybody wants to know
111.178 just how much sex
are married people having
114.555 whether they are in heterosexual
relationships or same-sex unions.
119.593 You all want to know what’s going on
at the Joneses; well, not much.
123.973 (Laughter)
127.184 Only about 7% of married couples
set the sheets ablaze.
133.995 Most married couples have sex
137.225 a little bit more than once a week
for the first decade of their marriage.
141.605 It decreases after that.
143.165 So they have sex about 58 times a year.
146.322 And 20% of marriages meet the criteria
as a sexless marriage,
152.153 and that, defined by the experts,
is sex less than ten times a year.
159.515 So why aren’t we having sex
in our marriages?
163.048 There’s a little-known
chemical in the brain
166.666 conveniently called PEA or ‘PEA, ‘
169.989 and it’s responsible for the elation,
the excitement, and the euphoria
176.325 that you feel when you meet somebody
that you are sexually interested in.
183.724 It’s a fantastic feeling.
185.647 This chemical is gorging
through your blood vessels.
189.477 You are so happy; that’s
how powerful this little chemical is.
194.008 But what happens after two years
197.073 is that chemical diminishes
as does sexual frequency.
201.985 That’s just about the time
203.574 you might get married
or may have conflict in your relationship,
207.214 and that is why communication
is key to great sex.
211.764 There is another reason
213.535 we are not having sex
in our relationship,
216.025 and that has to do
with the sex education that we provide.
221.192 I’d like to share a story about myself.
224.202 When I was a teenager, my mother
came racing into my bedroom, and she said,
228.618 « Maureen, please, tell me
230.553 you have not allowed a boy
to French-kiss you. »
234.58 She was feeling terrible
that the sex education came a bit late.
238.73 And I was feeling horrifically guilty,
as an Irish Catholic girl,
242.44 that I’d French-kissed a number of boys
244.659 (Laughter)
246.069 by that stage.
250.012 We teach girls and women
251.84 that sex is dirty,
and sex is bad, or it’s over rated.
256.149 We say, « You’re just going to get
a sexual-transmitted infection anyway, »
259.596 or, « You may get pregnant! »
260.906 This whole fear-base thing
frightens women from enjoying sex,
264.121 and we never talk about pleasure
or orgasm with girls and women.
269.17 And in fact, some women say,
« Orgasm’s not important, »
274.179 and that the journey is just as good
as the destination.
278.07 I disagree.
279.681 (Laughter)
280.932 Of course.
282.481 I am the one who French-kissed
all the boys, as an Irish Catholic girl.
285.929 (Laughter)
287.179 (Applause)
290.895 It’s like getting on a train
with your lover,
294.843 and you are going to the most pleasurable
place on the planet.
298.701 You are so excited.
300.325 You are getting lubed up with all
the free drinks they are giving you.
304.102 This is amazing!
306.199 And just before you reach
your destination,
309.377 he gets off, and you don’t.
311.874 (Laughter)
313.243 You get my point.
314.686 (Laughter)
316.506 (Applause)
320.896 The sex education
we have for boys and men:
324.556 that’s entirely different.
326.615 It’s a global program, it’s free,
it’s accessible to everybody,
331.948 and it’s known as internet pornography.
335.598 Fantastic!
336.908 And it does nothing to teach
men and boys about intimacy
341.407 which is really important to men and boys,
344.539 or how to make love to anybody.
349.399 Also, we have a paucity of information
about sexual health
354.872 for LGBTQI community,
358.818 and we need to add to that.
361.908 Marriage can rapidly go
from a holy matrimony to holy hell
365.888 with the finances, the kids,
the houses, the illness.
370.003 I mean, you may have signed up
for sickness and health,
372.593 but that was long before
you’d ever witnessed a man cold.
375.93 (Laughter)
377.07 And…
378.11 (Laughter)
381.136 And how about that richer or poorer thing?
383.967 Ladies, we are going to have
to start going for richer.
386.957 Most women today are working
inside and outside of the home.
392.117 We are doing the lion’s share
of the housework
394.386 because according to research,
men don’t feel they are that good at it.
398.365 And we are bridging the gap
401.206 between growing children
and aging parents.
404.272 We are exhausted doing it all
and never doing it.
408.193 And when we are doing it,
we are checking our smartphones.
412.714 10% of people check
their smartphones during sex
416.635 (Laughter)
418.451 35% immediately afterward.
423.875 We are connected to the Internet
427.493 (Laughter)
431.899 (Cheers) (Applause)
441.452 We are connected to the Internet
and disconnected from our would-be lovers.
447.882 Maybe this is the reason
449.676 that the most common sex position
for married couples is doggy style.
457.183 No, no, no!
458.184 It’s not what you’re thinking.
459.614 Get your minds out of the gutter.
461.556 This is the one where he is
on all his fours and begs,
465.021 and she plays dead.
466.805 (Laughter)
473.22 I have a clinical practice where I see
patients that have sexual dysfunction,
477.627 and there are two questions
that I ask everybody.
480.446 The first one is,
« Are you sexually active? »
483.11 It’s obvious.
484.702 When I ask women,
they never say yes or no
489.84 – well, they never say yes –
491.273 but they never say yes or no.
493.055 They say, « Sometimes, »
495.152 « Sort of, » « I am not sure, » « He is »
499.032 (Laughter)
500.711 or they say, « I am married. »
504.444 I say, « Well, that means no to me. »
507.352 They say, « Yes, sure. Right. it is no. »
510.612 Most men complain
that women never initiate sex.
517.071 The reason for this
is because, once again,
520.748 the sex education we provide to women.
524.142 Women falsely believe
526.205 that female sexual interest, desire,
precedes sexual activity,
531.777 when in actuality,
534.209 it is sexual activity that prompts
sexual interest and desire.
539.752 Sexual arousal emerges
as a result of sexual activity.
547.821 So, you guys, I know,
intimacy is important to you.
554.41 The most important question
that reflects this,
557.253 that I receive from you,
558.873 is, « How much masturbation
is too much masturbation? »
562.742 (Laughter)
563.932 So, I just say, « Well,
as long as you can go to work
570.144 (Laughter)
572.283 you should be fine. »
574.703 And then I realize
578.6 that that’s perhaps
all that what you are doing at work.
582.45 (Laughter)
584.068 So, I know intimacy is important.
588.0 You want to come home,
and you want to make love to your wife
590.921 if you are in a heterosexual relationship.
592.931 So after a long
and quite possibly very hard day,
599.506 you come home to a bit of chaos, perhaps,
603.035 but you’ve just got sex on the mind,
and she says, « Did you remember the milk? »
607.965 And you are like,
« Darn! The milk! I forgot the milk! »
612.018 Don’t beat yourselves up about it;
614.223 if not for the milk,
615.246 we have Facebook, hormones,
« I am feeling a little tired tonight, »
619.406 « My stomach is sticking out, I am feeling
kind of fat, can’t do it tonight, »
622.997 « Didn’t we have sex last month? »
625.017 And you are like,
« That was actually last year! »
627.357 (Laughter)
628.499 You don’t get it.
I mean, literally, you don’t get it.
631.353 But you’re like, « She is amazing,
she works in and outside of the home, »
635.663 « She does a great job
with the kids, » « She volunteers, »
639.089 She even has time for girls’ nights out.
642.645 So, I brought a friend home
after one such girls’ night out.
647.872 As we approached her house, drove up,
she looked up to her bedroom window,
653.222 she saw that the lights were on,
and she said,
655.475 « Argh! Donny is waiting up for me.
Do me a favor.
659.093 Drive around the block a few times
660.895 (Laughter)
661.931 until the light goes out. »
663.996 I said, « Listen! You get in there
and make love to your husband,
669.272 before somebody else does. »
671.175 Because that is one thing
that will increase a woman’s sexual desire
675.663 when someone else wants her man.
678.735 Still unconvinced, she said,
682.922 « I decided to extol
the health and beauty benefits
687.252 that sex has for a woman:
690.178 a youthful glow, better sleep,
wrinkle-free skin.
695.969 Keep driving, » she said.
697.918 (Laughter)
700.059 There is a device that will increase
anybody’s sexual desire,
703.93 and that happens to be
the Mercedes-Benz 4matic convertible SL
707.324 (Laughter)
708.325 and it comes in 64 colors.
710.676 But if that doesn’t do it,
712.478 the desire to have a baby will rev up
any woman’s sex drive.
716.548 The problem is having that baby
is likely to kill it
720.087 along with any marital eroticism
a couple may have had
725.512 because a lot of people believe
728.035 motherhood and being sexual
is incongruous.
733.528 John followed me on Linkedln for two years
before he mustered up the courage
740.078 to make an appointment
about his sexless marriage.
742.988 He’d been married for seven years,
745.108 and they had never
consummated the relationship.
749.078 Their parents were pressuring them
to have children
752.541 because they wanted grandchildren.
755.574 When they came into my clinical practice,
758.394 the second question that I ask everybody
that enters my clinical practice,
762.827 most unfortunately, is,
764.637 « Have you ever experienced sexual abuse
or unwanted sexual advances as a child? »
771.507 This was the first time
this gentleman had learned
774.221 that his wife had experienced
sexual abuse, as a six-year-old,
777.605 at the hands of her best friend’s father.
780.454 She thought sex was dirty, she hated sex.
785.084 We need a worldwide moratorium
on ending sexual violence on our children,
789.535 boys and girls,
because it happens to both.
791.605 (Applause)
801.595 Healing from sexual abuse
takes a lifetime.
807.921 Ella had lived a lifetime.
810.637 A widow, she said she wasn’t
sexually active, but she hoped to be.
815.417 I thought, « Fantastic!
Somebody is going to have sex here! »
819.302 But she said, « The problem, Maureen,
822.905 is that these old guys
can’t get it up anymore. »
826.914 I said, « Well, Ella, you might have
to go for a younger guy. »
830.014 She said, « What’s younger
when you are 84? »
832.294 (Laughter)
833.429 « 70? »
834.469 (Laughter)
840.299 « Yes, » some of you are saying.
842.219 The hard truth is
844.277 that men in their 30s and 40s
may experience erectile dysfunction.
849.732 Ella is going to have to go
for a millennial.
853.452 (Laughter)
858.127 So you are all probably thinking,
« What’s the big deal?
860.877 Why treat my erectile dysfunction? »
863.067 Well, I liken the penis to a plane.
866.36 If the pilot can’t get
the plane up in the air
869.783 and keep the plane
in the air for the entire trip,
872.673 it’s probably a problem with the engine.
875.582 So if you can’t get your penis up
877.752 and keep it up
for the entire sexual experience,
881.924 there’s likely a problem with your engine.
884.373 Well, that’s your heart.
886.754 Erectile dysfunction
is the canary in the coal mine,
889.34 and it may signify cardiovascular disease.
892.176 It may also indicate diabetes.
894.926 So, these two medical conditions,
897.187 in addition to low testosterone,
stress, substance use and abuse,
901.762 excessive alcohol consumption,
unresolved conflict, financial issues,
906.611 all of those may contribute
to low sexual desire,
909.41 and you may end up in a sexless marriage.
913.497 George presented to my clinical practice:
916.569 at age 40, he decided to settle down.
920.299 He was marrying a beautiful
and accomplished woman
925.87 in a few months.
927.44 There’s only one problem:
930.0 George was gay!
931.19 (Laughter)
932.848 George could not bear to tell
his family that he was gay,
938.688 because he felt it would have
shamed the entire family.
942.572 I said, « George, you are going to end up
in a sexless marriage! »
946.192 He said, « Tell me something I don’t know! »
949.175 So, George said to me his plan was this,
952.823 « Well, when my parents die,
I’m then going to divorce this woman,
957.673 and I’m going to marry
the man that I love. »
960.509 I said, « George,
you are not thinking straight! »
963.349 (Laughter)
969.55 Sex is the barometer
of the state of affairs in a marriage.
973.56 People who live in sexless marriages
report feeling frustrated, unloved,
980.226 undesirable, unattractive,
and the worst of all, lonely.
985.568 And loneliness has been shown
to increase vascular resistance,
989.914 elevate blood pressure,
and lead to an early death.
995.462 You are more likely to die from loneliness
998.757 than you are from obesity
or excessive alcohol consumption.
1003.804 When I educate women, and I say,
1006.164 « If you are not having sex
with your husband, someone else may, »
1010.797 they get upset, and they say
1012.703 that I am blaming women
for men’s bad behavior,
1015.692 when in actuality,
I am doing a community service.
1019.572 You see?
1020.58 Men in sexless marriages cheat
to remain in that marriage, in general.
1025.63 And women cheat
to leave a sexless marriage.
1029.425 And women cheat, too.
Nobody ever thinks we do.
1031.929 We are just sneakier about it,
we just don’t get caught.
1034.563 (Laughter)
1035.579 Or socialize very differently.
1037.519 This is one thing we have on you, guys.
1039.414 (Laughter)
1041.69 Women cheat with other men,
and women cheat with other women.
1046.098 And technology has made cheating
accessible for everybody:
1049.737 from the politician
to the stay-at-home parent.
1052.767 That quick swipe right can lead
to an online passionate love affair;
1059.015 from texting to sexting,
to secret phone conversations.
1062.945 The more two people communicate online,
1065.632 the more likely
an in-person encounter will occur.
1069.83 But you can always blame your genes.
1074.031 The gene DRD4
has been isolated in cheaters.
1078.391 And the sexless marriage’s just
the environment to turn on that gene.
1084.49 It’s based on a system
of pleasure and reward.
1088.135 The stakes are high,
the rewards, substantial.
1091.495 It is the perfect cocktail
to turn that love drug back on, PEA,
1097.581 and the cycle begins again.
1100.096 Historically, marriage was
not based on mutual love
1105.42 But rather it was an institution
to acquire, of all things,
1108.831 in-laws, property, and physical labor.
1113.601 But at the turn
of the 20th century, in America,
1116.922 egalitarian ideals and the emerging
Hollywood movie industry
1122.016 burdened marriages
with promising romantic love forever.
1125.227 And now we are living forever.
Fantastic! Congratulations!
1128.083 You get to have sex with the same person
for the rest of your life!
1132.183 The second most common question
that I hear from patients
1135.252 is, « When does sex end? »
1137.653 A 44-year-old asked me; he said,
« When does sex end, Maureen? 65? »
1141.622 I answered him this way,
« A 22-year-old asked me,
1144.506 ‘When does sex end, Maureen? 35?’
Everybody is older, until you get there. »
1149.466 I am here to tell you that sex never ends.
1153.05 If you are healthy, you can have
1155.25 (Cheers)
1156.62 (Applause)
1160.811 If you are healthy,
1162.02 you can have a great sex life
well into your 80s and 90s.
1166.652 Sex is good for you. Sex is healthy.
1170.374 Yet, sex is shrouded in shame.
1173.57 In the ancient aristocracies,
1175.194 the wealthy men
1176.318 had courtesans for pleasure
and concubines for quick sex.
1179.318 In the way we are going,
computers will be our concubines;
1183.779 internet pornography,
our mistress of the day.
1187.321 Technology is fast replacing
human connection at high speed.
1193.057 So, how do you rev up
the sexless marriage?
1196.515 Sex is about blood flow, it’s exercise.
1200.669 Everyday, you want
to have a daily workout.
1203.081 It increases your agility, your stamina.
1206.301 Women will experience
more sexual sensation
1210.171 when blood is flowing to the genitalia.
1212.923 It also helps to treat
erectile dysfunction.
1216.472 Also, get help for any of the sexual
dysfunctions you may have.
1220.057 Vaginal dryness is an issue
that happens to women
1223.637 who are on the oral contraceptive pill,
who are breastfeeding,
1226.782 perimenopausal, postmenopausal,
1228.702 and there are treatments for you.
1230.713 Pay more attention to your spouse
than you do to your smartphone.
1234.908 Spend more time in your bedrooms
than you do in your boardrooms,
1239.597 or your bedrooms
are going to become boardrooms.
1243.017 (Laughter)
1244.724 Deal with your marital issues.
1247.276 Go to sleep in the same bed,
at the same time,
1250.226 and don’t bring anything or anyone
into your marriage,
1253.786 except for a great sex toy
and a darn good sex therapist.
1257.246 (Laughter)
1260.614 You must establish guidelines
1262.844 that govern those moments
when you are struck
1265.883 by someone’s attractiveness
outside of your marriage.
1269.531 But don’t think for a second
1271.191 that you have to have sex
with the same person
1273.901 for the rest of your life.
1275.437 That’s not what I mean.
1277.997 In your mind, that is, fantasy is key.
1282.225 Your brain is your largest sex organ.
1285.231 And one more thing: I would like
to leave you all off with a bang:
1289.826 (Laughter)
1291.301 settle all marital arguments
in the bedroom, naked.
1296.801 (Cheers) (Laughter)
1298.382 (Applause)
.