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Sex Education) ainsi que l’auteur, suivis de la description :« Bienvenue à ME PLAY PLUES!, Le podcast vous apportant des conversations audacieuses et une grande énergie de clitoris! Dans cet épisode, Eve s’assoit avec le brillant Dr Jenn Kennedy pour avoir le genre de discours entre les relations sexuelles honnêtes et adultes que nous aurions tous dû obtenir. De la masturbation et de l’importance de l’exploration solo à la redéfinition de l’intimité et à la lutte contre l’orgasme, rien n’est interdit. Ils décomposent le lien entre la sensualité et la sexualité, comment renforcer la confiance par la vulnérabilité et pourquoi la communication est l’aphrodisiaque ultime. Vous apprendrez également comment le plaisir de soi peut réellement améliorer vos expériences en partenariat – et pourquoi la curiosité, pas la honte, devrait être votre point de départ. Que vous soyez célibataire, associé ou quelque part entre les deux, il s’agit de votre permission de vous exciter, de parler et de poursuivre une connexion plus profonde – l’identité, le corps et la chambre. Ce que nous couvrons: pourquoi la masturbation est un outil puissant pour la conscience de soi et le plaisir de la différence entre la sensualité et la sexualité – et pourquoi il importe comment renforcer les outils pratiques exprimant l’expression de la connexion à la connexion du rôle des suites et de la «parole d’oreiller» dans le renforcement de l’intimité, la couronnement et l’adaptage Ressources et liens de la chambre: Connectez-vous avec Eve Hall, animateur de Please Me! Site Web: PleaseMe.onlinei’dmerais de vous entendre! Aidez-moi à choisir une question pour mon s’il vous plaît moi! Vendredi série d’épisodes, où je réponds aux questions soumises par auditeur. Envoyez vos questions et faites-moi savoir quels sujets vous aimeriez que je vais explorer ensuite! Votez pour Eve Hall en tant que meilleur éducateur aux ASN Awards: si vous appréciez le spectacle et que cela a été utile, je serais honoré si vous pouviez prendre un moment pour voter pour moi en tant que meilleur éducateur des ASN Awards de cette année. Votre soutien signifie beaucoup pour moi! Votez ici: ASN Awards Voting Bare Business and Beauty: A Wellness Retreat for Women: Je suis ravi d’annoncer mon nouvel événement d’une journée, Bare Business and Beauty: A Wellness Retreat for Women! Rejoignez-moi pour une journée transformatrice de soins personnels, d’autonomisation et de croissance. Obtenez tous les détails ici: événements – s’il vous plaît, s’il vous plaît! Site Web du Dr Jenn Kennedy: Pratique de la thérapie de plaisir: Rivieratherapy.com (Tagstotranslate) Santé sexuelle (T) Éducation sexuelle (T) Éducation sexuelle (T) Confiance sexuelle (T) Sexualité ».

YouTube donne accès à une multitude de vidéos sur une large gamme de sujets, favorisant un échange respectueux autour de contenus créatifs et divers. Chaque utilisateur peut explorer des thématiques variées et trouver des vidéos qui répondent à leurs intérêts tout en restant fidèle aux règles de la plateforme.

Masturbation et sexualité : relever le défi du changement

Pour certaines personnes, hommes et femmes, la masturbation est un acte naturel souvent associé à l’exploration de la sexualité. Toutefois, lorsque cette pratique prend le dessus et se mue en addiction, elle peut interférer avec divers aspects de la vie, rendant le processus d’arrêt particulièrement difficile.

Formuler une stratégie pour arrêter

Indiquer les étapes essentielles pour éviter les rechutes

• Fermer les accès à la pornographie : Installez des logiciels de blocage pour éviter l’exposition à des contenus explicites.
• Restreindre l’accès à la pornographie : Mettez en place des bloqueurs pour empêcher l’accès aux contenus indésirables.

Offrir des approches efficaces pour diminuer cette pratique

• Se fixer des objectifs précis : Utilisez des méthodes progressives ou participez au mouvement « nofap » pour une abstinence complète.
• Se fixer des objectifs précis : Engagez-vous dans des stratégies progressives ou suivez le mouvement « nofap » pour une abstinence totale.
• Repérer les déclencheurs d’envie : Identifiez les situations qui provoquent ce besoin.

Insister sur le rôle essentiel du soutien de la communauté

• Voir un sexologue : Ce professionnel peut fournir des stratégies adaptées à vos besoins. (notamment ce site français chasteté.fr)
• Participer à des groupes de soutien : Partager ses expériences avec d’autres aide à garder le cap.

Examiner les bénéfices d’une abstinence réussie

Expliquer le trajet vers une joie persistante

Réduire la dépendance ouvre la porte à des avantages durables dans la vie quotidienne, professionnelle et sociale.

Démontrer comment les relations deviennent plus épanouissantes

Les rapports amoureux deviennent plus épanouissants, avec une connexion plus intense sur les plans émotionnel et physique.

Illustrer le parcours menant à une meilleure stabilité mentale

Arrêter cette pratique conduit fréquemment à plus d’énergie, une humeur plus positive et une meilleure capacité de concentration.

Explorer les causes et les effets de la dépendance à la masturbation

Donner une définition claire de la masturbation et ses usages

La masturbation est une activité sexuelle généralement liée à des bénéfices pour la santé, comme la gestion du stress et une meilleure compréhension de soi. Cependant, une pratique instinctive peut entraîner des difficultés.

Reconnaître les signes d’une addiction naissante

Une dépendance à la masturbation se traduit souvent par une intensification de la fréquence, ainsi qu’une difficulté à gérer l’activité, ce qui peut nuire aux relations interpersonnelles, notamment avec un partenaire.

Étudier les répercussions sur l’état mental et physique

La consommation compulsive de pornographie, couplée à une dépendance à la masturbation, stimule constamment le système dopaminergique, ce qui peut entraîner des conséquences comme l’éjaculation précoce, une diminution de l’énergie ou des frustrations sexuelles.

Examiner les éléments qui contribuent à l’expansion de cette pratique

Étudier l’impact de l’isolement sur le désir

Le manque de satisfaction dans un couple ou dans la vie personnelle, associé à la solitude, peut être un facteur déclencheur de cette pratique.

Réfléchir aux éléments affectifs et psychologiques

Le stress, l’anxiété ou un sentiment d’insatisfaction dans d’autres domaines de la vie peuvent mener à cette pratique instinctive.

Examiner comment la pornographie peut façonner les comportements

La pornographie joue un rôle central. Elle stimule fréquemment le désir de se masturber et peut entraîner une perception erronée de la sexualité.

En récapitulant

L’arrêt de la masturbation habituelle est un travail de longue haleine. Avec un plan rigoureux et un soutien approprié, il devient réalisable de surmonter cette difficulté et de découvrir les avantages d’une vie plus équilibrée, centrée sur des objectifs plus gratifiants.

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#Curiosité #dans #chambre #améliorer #les #compétences #avec #une #concentration #sensée #des #jouets #une #masturbation #Éducation #sexuelle

Retranscription des paroles de la vidéo: welcome to Please Me the award-winning podcast bringing you bold conversations and big [ __ ] energy And welcome to season 5 of the show I’m Eve your host on a journey from trauma to sexual liberation Join me and my guests as we dive into conversations around orgasm equality self-love body positivity and essential sexual education Let’s reclaim pleasure and close the orgasm gap one empowering conversation at a time Last week I sat down with Peppercat a legal sex worker to discuss male loneliness as a growing epidemic and how her work helps people explore hidden fantasies they may be too shy to share with their partners It was a must- conversation that challenges stigmas and opens minds If you missed it go back and check it out now Did you know that podcasts rely on listener support to keep bringing you the content you love For the best way to support the show join me on Patreon for ad free listening early releases bonus episodes and exclusive content Fill out my new questionnaire on please me.online and leave me your questions so I can answer them on the show Please Me is for mature audiences Sit back relax and surrender to the pleasure of Please Me I wish couples would be willing to try that because I I feel like they’re this crustfallen guy that wants to just disappear and eject out of the bedroom instead of being like « All right let’s go to plan B. » Hello and welcome to season 5 of Please Me the podcast that aims to destigmatize conversations about sex and sexual health by turning the sheets into our classroom I’m so excited to be welcoming Jen Kennedy to the show We have been going back and forth and finally are here together on this platform and I’m so excited to be interviewing you today Jen is a fellow speaker and podcaster She is also a sexologist and a licensed marriage and family therapist She specializes in helping couples with low sexual desire or dissatisfaction and she’s been quoted in Redbook Forbes Forbes Health Allure and others And she has her own podcast called Pleasure Project Sex and Relationships And I am so excited to welcome you to Please Me today How are you Dr Kennedy And should I call you Jen You can call me whatever Yeah it’s all good Len it’s all Yeah it’s all part of the mix So thank you It’s good to be here It’s always fun to talk to a colleague Yes absolutely And we were talking earlier because our shows overlap so much in what we love to talk about and I think it’s so important to have many options right when it comes to talking about sex and sexuality and sexual health You’re coming at it from a slightly different perspective I’m a licensed physical therapist and I treat sexual health conditions So I focus more on the physical aspect of it focus more on the psychological aspect of sexual dysfunction but I definitely feel like we are hand in our missions to really destigmatize these conversations about sex You want to just jump in Sure Yeah So I find that my referrals as a therapist come in from doctors and physicians They also come from physical therapists because the mind body connection is huge and I also send referrals that way because often times people are having pain or discomfort or dissatisfaction and it’s a matter of needing to work in a physical way So I find that the two definitely go hand in hand and it’s really important sometimes to just understand where it’s originating and sometimes if they need to work on it emotionally or sometimes they need to actually work on it physically So I think both are really important I agree with you 100% and oftentimes people will ask me if I also am a psychologist or a social worker because I am a good listener and sometimes that sort of puts me in that space because when somebody comes to you with a sexual health condition like Exactly You’re it’s you’re not going to just get like the medical aspect of the issue You’re going to get all of the aspects of the issue And so you’re absolutely right we can refer back and forth to one another which I think is a beautiful thing I appreciate the work that you do and I want to just jump into it I want to talk about the difference and you had mentioned in particular that men have issues with this or issues of understanding this I should say What would you say in your own words is the difference between sensuality and sexuality and why is there a confusion there Yeah I feel like for the most part people really go towards sexuality and men in particular think of sex as that act the act of quitus the act of penetration and they don’t parse out the sensuality the which I more see as the larger act of what we would consider foreplay what we would consider touch and sort of the what the mind involves the larger picture of bringing you in showing interest flirting building anticipation It is also the quality of touch that leads to non-genital touching All of it is the sensual part of it right It’s the part that really titilates the mind and not just the sexual act And so much of that is actually really enjoyable and really quite compelling I would say to both men and women but women in particular Women want sensuality and because sex can be over really quickly and sensuality can be elongated for quite some time and it’s much more fulfilling Yes And when we talk about the difference between men and women and you know how a woman needs 20 to 25 minutes of warming up before she’s even ready for penetration right Because our clitoris our vulva needs to become engorged We actually need a heart on too right With a man it’s really easy to determine They get a hard on they get an erection and it’s okay you’re ready but what about my heart on And so we also have to get stimulated lubricated and that takes time So I love that you speak about the whole body because I often say that the whole body is an erogynous zone It really is the way that it’s perceived by us And if the perception is sensual touch then that that part of our brain that is perceiving sensual touch the clitorol area is going to start to light up Even if it’s not the clitoris that’s being touched you want to just jump in there a little bit And I want to say too is that the foreplay starts way before you’re in proximity right It can start hours or days before Like if there’s flirtation if you’re leaving notes if you’re texting if you’re touching here and there if you can turn yourself on even right The flirtation can start with yourself in terms of if you’re wearing beautiful lingerie if you’re trimming or shaving right It’s if you’re antic that anticipatory energy that we as women oftenimes have of knowing that you’re you might be having some sort of sexual connection that’s coming up that can turn yourself on and knowing that’s coming But certainly in partner play having that sort of flirtiness and that playfulness that’s going to happen before touch even happens And then as touch starts to happen rather than going straight to it rather than going straight for genitals having some having a narrative be built is so much more interesting Absolutely And how do you encourage your clients to build on that sensuality which is so key for women Because as we know the statistics of women’s sexual orgasm right Only 3 to 5% of women can orgasm from penetration alone And 95% of women need external clitoreral stimulation in order to orgasm So how do we encourage the men in our lives or our partners to really focus and hone in on that sensuality Because it’s so key for us to be able to get that orgasm gap closed Yeah Okay So I’ve heard slightly more encouraging numbers more like 20% But still it’s debatable how I encourage them I like to start with sensate focus I know it’s old school but I do like that intervention because it does train them especially for couples who haven’t had much sex or touch to slow it way down to do some exploratory touch outside of genital touching to do a little warm up to spend some time I’m asking them for 10 minutes to touch their partner without a lot of guidance without genitals being involved That’s level one anyway to do some exploring that maybe puts them in a position they’re not so used to either as giver or receiver where they don’t have distraction in the way of being silly or discussion or anything like that That can often times be a very uncomfortable unfamiliar place for them but it slows the whole thing down and it starts to help them with a little bit of vulnerability and just get curious settle in do something different rather than just let’s get to it And it’s skill building for them And I find that if they can do that they can actually really enjoy it And then as they move through the skills they start to return to that And that can often be their foreplay is sensate And then as they move back into partnered penetrative sex they can employ that and enjoy it And by sensate you mean sensory play right Is this what we’re talking about Smokus is a Oh sorry I should have qualified that It’s a I always like to preface this by saying let’s talk in layman’s terms because your terminology is not going to be my terminology and really nobody listening or not a lot of people listening are going to really have the medical background to really understand what these medical terms mean So if you can just break that down that would be great Yeah So sensate focus is a it’s a fourlevel intervention that was developed by Masters and Johnson in the 50s I think actually you can Google it and it’s four levels and I give it to couples Level one is literally like each partner takes a turn and for 10 minutes they’re the giver or the receiver and literally in that role they are not allowed to touch genitals but they’re allowed over clothes even they’re fully clothed to touch anything outside of genitals and so usually one of them’s maybe wearing yoga pants or something and they’re just touching they’re touching legs they’re touching hair head neck arms and they’re just starting to explore and find spots that they normally would probably not pay attention patention to and there’s no direction giving It’s not meant to be massage quality It’s nor meant be caressed touch kind of quality and so they have to get out of their comfort zone a little bit and get curious and just spend some time with each other and then they trade and they don’t have to do it back toback but they can and sometimes often do and usually they’re more comfortable in one position or the other because usually they’re used to being the giver or used to being the receiver So when they flip into that opposite position they’re a little clumsy and a little unfamiliar but they do that for a while and then eventually they move to the next level and the next level that includes like a handwriting meaning like hand overhand where they can get some guidance from the other and then eventually it’s less close and eventually it’s more guided and then eventually it is progression But it’s a nice it’s a nice scaffolded way to build skill with touch that is asking them to explore the whole body that includes more it sounds sense sense based touch So yeah anybody can Google it and follow the steps and I think it’s a really nice way it’s a nice entry way back in for layman folks to just try So I do that as an intervention Yes And I often talk about sensory play as being a really great thing to introduce into your sex life And so this this is like a level before that with the clothes on but it’s a great way to connect with your partner in a way you’ve never done before If you are fully clothed you’re not really like thinking about sex at that moment You really are honing in on that sensual touch right And you may find three four five six different areas on your partner’s body that you never really realized were super sensitive to touch It could be perceived as sensual touches that are tender Could be the neck It could be the sacrum It could be the the wrist or the there’s all kinds of spots that can be really erotic and beautiful and soft and the inner thighs All of those are quite sensual Absolutely And until you actually practice that you will never know what those areas on your partner are So don’t we all want to know these things about our partners I think it’s a great place to start for sure Great tip And I know you mentioned vulnerability in there And so let’s just jump in and let’s talk about vulnerability and why it’s so important to really build that connection with your partner Yeah So vulnerability is the gold And I think that it seems it’s like obvious and yet I’m surprised at how many couples aren’t actually tapping into vulnerability There’s this proximity meaning you’re in the same space and yet you’re not really taking your armor off and being vulnerable with one another because that puts you at risk for looking foolish or getting your heart broken or I don’t know eventually The ultimate fear I think is humiliation and that’s in the everyday but that’s also certainly in the bedroom So if you tell them you like this kinky thing or if you make sounds while you’re having sex or if invite them in to do this thing that you really like and they reject you or it’s just it’s not often logical like if you really say it out loud but there’s this fear of if I show who I am and what I want you’re going to reject me or I’m going to I’m going to die of humiliation But it actually probably won’t happen But in our backbrain we’re like I can’t say that thing I can’t do that thing But if you do it boy it can like really make the relationship deepen It can make you so much closer because you’re being accepted for this thing as you are that you want and that person knows you and accepts you and wants you even though you’ve shown this piece So that’s pretty cool Yes And I just think about trying to be our true authentic selves right And if we are always worried about being vulnerable with our partners and not showing that vulnerability we’re never going to really truly be authentic right And that is the whole entire goal is to really fully be your authentic self with your partner Tell them what your wants and needs are Tell them what you like and don’t like what those kinks are that you may you may like that you may be a little bit shy about sharing And these conversations are a little bit difficult to have They’re not easy to just jump in and say « Hey I have a kink and I want to tell you about it. » But if you truly want to have a fulfilling sex life and an amazing sex life you need to be able to share this information with your partner So how do you let’s talk about let’s talk about sex toys because that’s one of those tricky things that people sometimes feel is hard to introduce to a partner And so let’s talk about that in spec specifically and how do we encourage our clients to introduce those toys that really get us there that really can help our sex lives be more fulfilling Yeah it reminds me of that Sex in the City episode called Secret Single Behavior It’s oh like you’re starting to date somebody new or you’ve got this thing you love but you’re like how do I tell them Toys are wonderful and I think that partners should not be intimidated by them They’re not instead of they’re in addition to great point I think they can enhance and it’s not it shouldn’t feel like a competition It’s it’s wonderful and I think it it should hopefully feel like intriguing What do you love about that toy Tell me more about it Tell me why it feels so good to you because it’s a road map of like your desire So understanding why that toy turns you on Is it the way that it can touch you in particular Is it the angle Is it the speed Is it the Was it the way it can be inside of you Is it the touch of it Can we use it together Can I watch you use it Like how can we incorporate this Feeling like it’s just information It’s just enhancement is a more useful approach to meeting a toy Yeah I love this I love that you’re like talking about really building curiosity but very specifically like what exactly is it that you love about that toy because it’s going to tell me where you like to be stimulated right And so building that curiosity and when you’re talking about choosing a partner right And maybe you’ve already chosen one and you’ve been married for a long time and now you’re trying to build this But really for many people that are not in long-term marriages and that are building relationships new relationships thinking about when you have these conversations whether your partner is open to these conversations or not because really you want to choose a partner that is going to want to fulfill you in the bedroom that is going to want to pleasure you and thinking about that as you’re going through these sort of early on steps right to really creating that conversation early on because I think it’s so important to have these conversations early on if you’re starting a new relationship because if you wait for years and years and maybe you weren’t comfortable back then and now you’re in a marriage and you may not be happy in in your sex life or whatever but if you’re not having these conversations early on in relationships you may be wasting a lot of time and years wouldn’t you say Yeah And hopefully both of your pleasure should be important And it’s not it’s not a competition It’s not a it’s not a competition with a toy It’s not a competition with each other It’s just let’s figure this out for both of us And it’s this like both of us get to have it And so we should both be in service of that and let’s figure it out That should be the spirit hopefully of of it and if you like it this way and I like it that way and whatever works and let’s facilitate that to make it happen for us I think it is a good attitude Definitely And now let’s talk a little bit about because I know that you work with couples that have issues with maybe sexual desire or there’s some kind of dissatisfaction and I work a lot with clients who have sexual function issues such as erectile dysfunction or it’s female equivalent which is decreased sensitivity and dryness So I want to just like delve into that a little bit more and like how would you encourage a couple to say that has some kind of dysfunction right To really introduce those toys that can really help One example that I gave was a man who has erectile dysfunction and maybe introducing a dildo or even a strap on to really still be able to have that penetrative sex that maybe they want to engage in but can’t do in that moment in time Yeah Yeah Yeah you and I talked about this a little bit offline and I have actually done that intervention with a couple and they seemed a bit shocked and I work with queer couples and that’s an intervention we use all the time is strap-ons are pretty common and they’re a great option for those that want penetrative sex Now with a heterosexual couple where they’re having erectile dysfunction where the man is not able to attain or maintain an erection the thought of putting strapping on a dildo probably feels pretty shocking And yet it’s super practical It totally works It’s totally there if visually he wants to feel like he has an erection if he wants the sensation of thrusting And obviously he’s not going to feel from a sensory standpoint quite the same because he doesn’t feel the internal sensation but he gets the visual he gets that So it does serve that And if she really wants the sensation of internal feeling full and that kind of thing it’s really nice It is It’s a great option I think that you just have to get emotionally over the fact that it’s not your organ per se I don’t think it’s a big deal But yeah you got to get over that part And men can sometimes be really attached to their unit It’s funny because men are choosy about that because they’re not choosy about using a a doll I don’t know why they don’t have a problem putting their penis into an object So I don’t know why they’d have a problem strapping on an object I don’t know why they get picky about it in those certain contexts But I do think that can be a great workaround because more and more men as they age erectile dysfunction is just part of the aging process and it’s also a byproduct of certain medications It’s just it’s just a reality for a lot of men And also it’s not game over necessarily if you can’t attain a full erection but working with what you’ve got is part of the aging process for both men and women So sometimes it’s about lube and sometimes it’s about doing something besides penetration Absolutely Thinking about sex as not just penetration because that’s like this much of it right It’s such a small portion of sex Sex is like such a huge umbrella of different options right And the penetration is just a small part And if you think about women 95% of women needing external genital stimulation in order to orgasm right And you’re only focused on the penetration we’re missing out on a lot of sensuality and a lot of displeasure So I love that you you say that it can be like not perceived as necessarily something that people want to explore but it is very practical You’re absolutely right It’s I’m like there’s your fingers still work your mouth still works I’m like and there’s lots and lots of depending on what’s hurting right there’s lots of receptors in your penis and they’re like like the penis not even if it’s not erect still has sensation So you can still play with that organ as well and not leave it to just be dangling there for the whole entire experience without giving it any attention Right Because it still will feel good if the man is not able to get hard But if you think about just penetrative sex by itself it’s just such a small portion of sex itself When you think about the prevalence of erectile dysfunction and 20% of men in their 20s already have some form of erectile dysfunction and it goes up 10% per decade So 50% of men in their 50s will experience erectile dysfunction and it just continues to go up right And so it’s so important to like really think about that because as we get older our the way that we have sex the way that we play in the bedroom is going to be different as we get older Do you want to just jump in and talk about that a little bit And I know that you’ve mentioned that there are it’s just like a reality but there are also treatments for erectile dysfunction and its female equivalent which is like I mentioned before decreased vaginal sensitivity and dryness And that is a treatment that I do in my practice It’s called acoustic wave therapy and it helps to bring more blood flow to the area and I’m not going to go into the details of that because I’ve talked about it many times in the past I just want you to comment on that Yeah I think men it’s interesting I actually have a a new couple that I’ve been seeing only a few times and they just came in because of his erectile dysfunction He’s 80 80 And he’s like « My I’m just starting to have some erectile dysfunction. » And I’m like « You’re just starting to have erectile dysfunction? » I’m like « You’re 80. » And she said « A lot of times it’s like when they admit to the fact that because a lot of times men will have erectile dysfunction issues for many years and won’t admit to the fact that they do until they’re I can’t believe it’s taken this long. » I said « You’re incredible. » And I that’s good for you because most men are having it certainly in their 70s pro probably in their 60s but like certainly in their 70s for you to get to 80 and just be starting to have issues Good on you prioritizing your sex life I am so proud of you And let’s talk about sex Let’s more broadly define sex right because yes it’s important and I understand that there’s all this emotional tie to your penis working and also let’s talk about the larger conversation because she’s gone through menopause at this point and she’s had to recalibrate That’s like a good word to just this whole larger picture Let’s recalibrate as our bodies are changing What can we do now Do we need lubrication Do we need more rest Do we need to have some if we’re women estrogen Do we need topical estrogen Do we need hip openers What do we need to actually have our body feel like it can accommodate what we’re trying to do We can’t We’re not 20 anymore We’re not young and sprry in the same way but we still have interest in energy but maybe it’s more cuddle energy Maybe maybe we also just need some stretching and some some cream But it’s also don’t be mad at your body that it won’t do what it used to do But also sometimes your body needs some conditioning to get it back to what it can do And that’s where physical therapy comes in for for these types of issues that you’re talking about Absolutely And just being open-minded about creating a a space for new exploration It doesn’t always have to be the same old We need variety Variety is the spice of life And for sure in sex that is true too And so not getting so stuck on like your previous interpretation of how your amazing sex life was but really expanding that to include other things that are can really enhance your sex life as well So let’s just talk a little bit about afterare what I like to call afterare and what you like to call pillow talk right And so let’s just talk about why that is so important for having a healthy sex life Yeah I find that depending on how people are wired This is more of an attachment function but some people really enjoy the sex and some people really enjoy what happens post sex right that often times there’s a flood of hormones but really they’re looking forward to the cuddling that happens and the benefits that sort of string not just in the hours after sex or the minutes but but the week the whole week there’s a softening There is a relational shift that happens between the couple or the throppple or whoever you know is happening But after sex the edges get softened between the people and there is like a letting go of some of the stuff that you might fight about otherwise or the conflict that might exist And it’s really nice because you’ve shared this thing together and you have been vulnerable in one way or another and there’s just a shift in the relational dynamic that can be really special and it seems to have this kind of longer effect that serves the relationship Yes And it’s so important to really take that time afterwards to really connect on an emotional level because a lot of times that doesn’t necessarily always happen So I think after care is so important really giving yourself that time to really you know maybe even saying hey I really loved this thing that you did or this place that you touched me It can be part of the learning experience of like really teaching your partner what you enjoyed during that episode and taking that to the next round Some people feel like it’s like a recap or a Yeah because I do have some partners that are like I don’t want to talk about it And other partners more the anxious partners want to hear what worked what didn’t work And I can understand that if you’re wondering how that played for you if it isn’t completely clear then I think it is helpful to say you don’t have to do a playbyplay but generally if I tried something new did it work And what did you like Give me the bullet points from from this thing and tell me how that experience played out for you Yeah I think it’s a great time to have these conversations And it doesn’t have to be like a blowby-blow highlights reel right It can just be like the one thing that you really were like « Oo I really liked to be touched in that spot and I never realized it before. » And so let’s remember that for next time because I really enjoyed that And I something just popped into my mind while you were talking about like the more you have the more you want sort of thing And I don’t even know if that’s like a medical thing or or not but I find that when I have really amazing sex I want it more often Is that some is that like a real thing or is that just me I will say that like people ask about masturbation for example Should I be masturbating or if I masturbate is that going to kill my desire for the rest of the week I actually use it sometimes as a warm-up for people because I I think that yeah if you it’s kind of like you crave what you eat a little bit And I think that’s true So yeah if you’re having if you’re having sex you’re more likely to have beget I think it begets more sex if it’s a positive experience Yeah it does warm you up I think that’s true I love that you bring up masturbation here too because there’s a relationship that you have with yourself right And then there’s a relationship that you have with your partner And just because you’re in a partnered relationship doesn’t mean that you have to abandon the relationship and the sensual relationship that you have with yourself And masturbation is a great tool for what you just said and also for men who do experience erectile dysfunction to really try to increase that blood flow And I often will recommend that my patients get a penis pump so that they can use it every day in order to really increase that blood flow on a daily basis When you practice something you get better at it right And if you’re not practicing or if you’re only practicing once a week or once every other week or whatever you’re not going to really have improvement So you have to really hone those skills on a personal level too And for women it’s so key to understand what gets you there right What really gets you to have an orgasm And if you don’t know that there’s no way that you can translate that information to the bedroom Yeah absolutely I think that you have to know your own body first You have to turn yourself on And not that it’s solely your responsibility in partner play but it certainly helps because if you understand phys like physically position-wise where you need to be and then also if you can coming into it like we talked about lingerie and that type of thing but then also partner-wise you understand it’s just so much easier than putting all the onus on your partner because Yeah And so I think if you’ve touched yourself if you’ve played with toys if you’ve maybe like I’ve got one client who likes to read erotica before she goes into partner play right That’s part of it Some people watch porn some people do some fantasy stuff role playing that type of thing But whatever it is whatever your thing is then just do that But knowing what it is to turn yourself on and doing that and sharing that with your partner if you’re willing I think can be really empowering Yeah absolutely And erasing the shame around all of it right Because shame does not involve does not it shouldn’t even be included in the bedroom at all Right We should just throw all of that out and just really focus on enjoying ourselves So I want to just jump into our role play at this point Um so this season I’m doing a role play and we’re talking about safety okay in many different ways So I’m going to play the guy in a heterosexual couple and I’m going to play the guy that can’t attain an erection and you’re going to be my partner Gotcha Okay Yeah Because I honestly see the scenario with some frequencies Yes Yes So let’s do this one Okay And action So we’re in Okay we’re in the bedroom We’re trying to get there And I’m like « Oh how It’s not working Ah forget it We should just bail out This is not going to happen I can’t believe I can’t do it This is just I’m useless in this. » Oh wow It’s okay Let’s not use negative useless the word term useless to describe ourselves right We don’t need to beat ourselves up This is just something that happens to people It’s a common thing So why don’t we talk about what we can do to explore without focusing on the actual erection Let’s just do that But like how am I supposed to be a partner in this Or how am I I’m not a man if I can’t if I can’t keep my dick hard That’s not what I’m looking at when I look at you You are a man in so many ways and you take care of me in so many ways And so I’m not judging you by the hardness of your penis as to whether you’re a man or not And so I want you to not think of our intimate life that way because there are other things that we can do Like what So why don’t you lay down and why don’t I just give you like a sensual massage Why don’t we start from there and then maybe you can do the same for me and I can tell you what really turns me on when you touch me Are you just doing that to make me not feel so bad about what’s happening or does that actually like work for you My whole body is sensitive So even though we’re not focusing specifically on our genitals we can still have a lot of sensual touch and I would love it No I’m not doing it just because I love you and I want us to still continue to have a sensual relationship Even if penetrative sex with your penis is not going to be a part of it every time I don’t want to just end it each time this happens Are you open to exploring in other ways Sure let’s try it Let’s give it a try and and seeing Yeah this is a big This is a big Oh that was right It happens I just wish I wish they I wish couples would be willing to try that because I I feel like they’re this crustfallen guy that wants to just disappear and eject out of the bedroom instead of being like « All right let’s go to plan B. » And plan B like you just suggested isn’t just pivot and totally focus on her but stay in to say I mean it can be focus on her but it also can be focus on them together in another way I love that you suggested that Yeah Yes And just because the penis isn’t getting fully erect doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have sensation to it It still feels good to your partner to touch it oral could still be really a delicious foreplay And toys introduce those toys There’s nothing wrong with adding a dildo if you want penetrative sex or just focusing on oral sex because really women need most women need external stimulation to orgasm anyway So focusing on that can really be a turnon for a man to get their partner there And that’s a big turn on too It doesn’t always have to be ejaculating Yeah It doesn’t always have to be penetrative sex but yeah absolutely Absolutely So I want to make sure and thank you so much for doing that roleplay with me I always find that role plays are so great to model the kinds of conversations that we really should be having in the bedroom and a lot of times people are not having those conversations So it’s a great place to to model these types of conversations So I want to make sure that my listeners can find you Where can we find you Absolutely So pleasurepro US.us is home base that’s got my website that’s got my small group intensives So I lead six week in group intensives that are live I’ve also got a course coming out that is asynchronous So people can do that on their own time My podcast is linked on there I’ve got articles and then my psychotherapy is at rivierath theapy.com And is the link on the pleasure project It’s not So you’d have to go to my I have a different website for my therapy So that’s the review.com Yeah Okay So we’ll make sure that we include that in the show notes Thank you so much for that And I want to make sure that if my listeners liked this episode go ahead and copy it right now and share it with somebody that you think would benefit from listening to this conversation This is really a conversation that so many people are having out there in relationships and not a lot of people are talking about So it’s a great episode to share Make sure that if you want to support the show the best place to support the show is by going to Patreon and subscribing and for adree listening and early episodes And again thank you so much for being on the show today Dr Kennedy This was a lot a really fun conversation Absolutely Thanks for having me Appreciate it .

Déroulement de la vidéo:

0.4 welcome to Please Me the award-winning
0.4 podcast bringing you bold conversations
0.4 and big [ __ ] energy And welcome to
0.4 season 5 of the show I&;m Eve your host
0.4 on a journey from trauma to sexual
0.4 liberation Join me and my guests as we
0.4 dive into conversations around orgasm
0.4 equality self-love body positivity and
0.4 essential sexual education Let&;s reclaim
0.4 pleasure and close the orgasm gap one
0.4 empowering conversation at a time Last
0.4 week I sat down with Peppercat a legal
0.4 sex worker to discuss male loneliness as
0.4 a growing epidemic and how her work
0.4 helps people explore hidden fantasies
0.4 they may be too shy to share with their
0.4 partners It was a must- conversation
0.4 that challenges stigmas and opens minds
0.4 If you missed it go back and check it
0.4 out now Did you know that podcasts rely
0.4 on listener support to keep bringing you
0.4 the content you love For the best way to
0.4 support the show join me on Patreon for
0.4 ad free listening early releases bonus
0.4 episodes and exclusive content Fill out
0.4 my new questionnaire on please me.online
0.4 and leave me your questions so I can
0.4 answer them on the show Please Me is for
0.4 mature audiences Sit back relax and
0.4 surrender to the pleasure of Please Me I
0.4 wish couples would be willing to try
0.4 that because I I feel like they&;re this
0.4 crustfallen guy that wants to just
0.4 disappear and eject out of the bedroom
0.4 instead
0.4 of being like "All right let&;s go to
0.4 plan B." Hello and welcome to season 5
0.4 of Please Me the podcast that aims to
0.4 destigmatize conversations about sex and
0.4 sexual health by turning the sheets into
0.4 our classroom I&;m so excited to be
0.4 welcoming Jen Kennedy to the show We
0.4 have been going back and forth and
0.4 finally are here together on this
0.4 platform and I&;m so excited to be
0.4 interviewing you today Jen is a fellow
0.4 speaker and podcaster She is also a
0.4 sexologist and a licensed marriage and
0.4 family therapist She specializes in
0.4 helping couples with low sexual desire
0.4 or
0.4 dissatisfaction and she&;s been quoted in
0.4 Redbook Forbes Forbes Health Allure and
0.4 others And she has her own podcast
0.4 called Pleasure Project Sex and
0.4 Relationships And I am so excited to
0.4 welcome you to Please Me today How are
0.4 you Dr Kennedy And should I call you Jen
0.4 You can call me whatever Yeah it&;s all
0.4 good Len it&;s all Yeah it&;s all part of
0.4 the mix So thank you It&;s good to be
0.4 here It&;s always fun to talk to a
0.4 colleague Yes absolutely And we were
0.4 talking earlier because our shows
0.4 overlap so much in what we love to talk
0.4 about and I think it&;s so important to
0.4 have many options right when it comes to
0.4 talking about sex and sexuality and
0.4 sexual health You&;re coming at it from a
0.4 slightly different perspective I&;m a
0.4 licensed physical therapist and I treat
0.4 sexual health conditions So I focus more
0.4 on the physical aspect of it focus more
0.4 on the psychological aspect of sexual
0.4 dysfunction but I definitely feel like
0.4 we are hand in our missions to really
0.4 destigmatize these conversations about
0.4 sex You want to just jump in
0.4 Sure Yeah So I find that my referrals as
0.4 a therapist come in from doctors and
0.4 physicians They also come from physical
0.4 therapists because the mind body
0.4 connection is huge and I also send
0.4 referrals that way because often times
0.4 people are having pain or discomfort or
0.4 dissatisfaction and it&;s a matter of
0.4 needing to work in a physical way So I
0.4 find that the two definitely go hand in
0.4 hand and it&;s really important sometimes
0.4 to just understand where it&;s
0.4 originating and sometimes if they need
0.4 to work on it emotionally or sometimes
0.4 they need to actually work on it
0.4 physically So I think both are really
0.4 important
0.4 I agree with you 100% and oftentimes
0.4 people will ask me if I also am a
0.4 psychologist or a social worker because
0.4 I am a good listener and sometimes that
0.4 sort of puts me in that space because
0.4 when somebody comes to you with a sexual
0.4 health condition like
0.4 Exactly You&;re it&;s you&;re not going to
0.4 just get like the medical aspect of the
0.4 issue You&;re going to get all of the
0.4 aspects of the issue And so you&;re
0.4 absolutely right we can refer back and
0.4 forth to one another which I think is a
0.4 beautiful thing I appreciate the work
0.4 that you do and I want to just jump into
0.4 it I want to talk about the difference
0.4 and you had mentioned in particular that
0.4 men have issues with this or issues of
0.4 understanding this I should say What
0.4 would you say in your own words is the
0.4 difference between sensuality and
0.4 sexuality and why is there a confusion
0.4 there
0.4 Yeah I feel like for the most part
0.4 people really go towards sexuality and
0.4 men in particular think of sex as that
0.4 act the act of quitus the act of
0.4 penetration and they don&;t parse out the
0.4 sensuality the which I more see as the
0.4 larger act of what we would consider
0.4 foreplay what we would consider touch
0.4 and sort of the what the mind involves
0.4 the larger picture of bringing you
0.4 in showing interest flirting building
0.4 anticipation It is also the quality of
0.4 touch that leads to non-genital touching
0.4 All of it is the sensual part of it
0.4 right It&;s the part that really
0.4 titilates the mind and not just the
0.4 sexual act And so much of that is
0.4 actually really enjoyable and really
0.4 quite compelling I would say to both men
0.4 and women but women in particular Women
0.4 want sensuality and because sex can be
0.4 over really quickly and sensuality can
0.4 be elongated for quite some time and
0.4 it&;s much more fulfilling Yes And when
0.4 we talk about the difference between men
0.4 and women and you know how a woman needs
0.4 20 to 25 minutes of warming up before
0.4 she&;s even ready for penetration right
0.4 Because our clitoris our vulva needs to
0.4 become engorged We actually need a heart
0.4 on too right With a man it&;s really easy
0.4 to determine They get a hard on they get
0.4 an erection and it&;s okay you&;re ready
0.4 but what about my heart on And so we
0.4 also have to get stimulated lubricated
0.4 and that takes time So I love that you
0.4 speak about the whole body because I
0.4 often say that the whole body is an
0.4 erogynous zone It really is the way that
0.4 it&;s perceived by us
0.4 And if the perception is sensual touch
0.4 then that that part of our brain that is
0.4 perceiving sensual touch the clitorol
0.4 area is going to start to light up Even
0.4 if it&;s not the clitoris that&;s being
0.4 touched you want to just jump in there a
0.4 little bit And I want to say too is that
0.4 the foreplay starts way before you&;re in
0.4 proximity right It can start hours or
0.4 days before Like if there&;s flirtation
0.4 if you&;re leaving notes if you&;re
0.4 texting if you&;re touching here and
0.4 there if you can turn yourself on even
0.4 right The flirtation can start with
0.4 yourself in terms of if you&;re wearing
0.4 beautiful lingerie if
0.4 you&;re trimming or shaving right It&;s if
0.4 you&;re antic that anticipatory energy
0.4 that we as women oftenimes have of
0.4 knowing that you&;re you might be having
0.4 some sort of sexual connection that&;s
0.4 coming up that can turn yourself on and
0.4 knowing that&;s coming But certainly in
0.4 partner play having that sort of
0.4 flirtiness and that playfulness that&;s
0.4 going to happen before touch even
0.4 happens And then as touch starts to
0.4 happen rather than going straight to it
0.4 rather than going straight for genitals
0.4 having some having a narrative be built
0.4 is so much more interesting Absolutely
0.4 And how do you encourage your clients to
0.4 build on that sensuality which is so key
0.4 for women Because as we know the
0.4 statistics of women&;s sexual orgasm
0.4 right Only 3 to 5% of women can orgasm
0.4 from penetration alone And 95% of women
0.4 need external clitoreral stimulation in
0.4 order to orgasm So how do we encourage
0.4 the men in our lives or our partners to
0.4 really focus and hone in on that
0.4 sensuality Because it&;s so key for us to
0.4 be able to get that orgasm gap
0.4 closed Yeah Okay So I&;ve heard slightly
0.4 more encouraging numbers more like 20%
0.4 But still it&;s
0.4 debatable how I encourage them I like to
0.4 start with sensate focus I know it&;s old
0.4 school but I do like that intervention
0.4 because it does train them especially
0.4 for couples who haven&;t had much sex or
0.4 touch to slow it way down to do some
0.4 exploratory touch outside of genital
0.4 touching to do a little warm up to spend
0.4 some time I&;m asking them for 10 minutes
0.4 to touch their partner without a lot of
0.4 guidance without genitals being involved
0.4 That&;s level one anyway
0.4 to do some exploring
0.4 that maybe puts them in a position
0.4 they&;re not so used to either as giver
0.4 or receiver where they don&;t have
0.4 distraction in the way of being silly or
0.4 discussion or anything like that That
0.4 can often times be a very uncomfortable
0.4 unfamiliar place for them but it slows
0.4 the whole thing down and it starts to
0.4 help them with a little bit of
0.4 vulnerability and
0.4 just get
0.4 curious settle in do something different
0.4 rather than just let&;s get to it And
0.4 it&;s skill building for them And I find
0.4 that if they can do that they can
0.4 actually really enjoy it And then as
0.4 they move through the skills they start
0.4 to return to that And that can often be
0.4 their foreplay is sensate And then as
0.4 they move back into partnered
0.4 penetrative sex they can employ that and
0.4 enjoy it
0.4 And by sensate you mean sensory play
0.4 right Is this what we&;re talking about
0.4 Smokus is a Oh sorry I should have
0.4 qualified that It&;s a I always like to
0.4 preface this by saying let&;s talk in
0.4 layman&;s terms because your terminology
0.4 is not going to be my terminology and
0.4 really nobody listening or not a lot of
0.4 people listening are going to really
0.4 have the medical background to really
0.4 understand what these medical terms mean
0.4 So if you can just break that down that
0.4 would be great Yeah So sensate focus is
0.4 a it&;s a fourlevel intervention that was
0.4 developed by Masters and Johnson in the
0.4 50s I think actually you can Google it
0.4 and it&;s four levels and I give it to
0.4 couples Level one is literally like each
0.4 partner takes a turn and for 10 minutes
0.4 they&;re the giver or the receiver and
0.4 literally in that role they are not
0.4 allowed to touch genitals but they&;re
0.4 allowed over clothes even they&;re fully
0.4 clothed to touch anything outside of
0.4 genitals and so usually one of them&;s
0.4 maybe wearing yoga pants or something
0.4 and they&;re just touching they&;re
0.4 touching legs they&;re touching hair head
0.4 neck arms and they&;re just starting to
0.4 explore and find spots that they
0.4 normally would probably not pay
0.4 attention patention to and there&;s no
0.4 direction giving It&;s not meant to be
0.4 massage quality It&;s nor meant be
0.4 caressed touch kind of quality and so
0.4 they have to get out of their comfort
0.4 zone a little bit and get curious and
0.4 just spend some time with each other and
0.4 then they trade and they don&;t have to
0.4 do it back toback but they can and
0.4 sometimes often do and usually they&;re
0.4 more comfortable in one position or the
0.4 other because usually they&;re used to
0.4 being the giver or used to being the
0.4 receiver So when they flip into that
0.4 opposite position they&;re a little
0.4 clumsy and a little unfamiliar but they
0.4 do that for a while and then eventually
0.4 they move to the next level and the next
0.4 level that includes like a handwriting
0.4 meaning like hand overhand where they
0.4 can get some guidance from the other and
0.4 then eventually it&;s less close and
0.4 eventually it&;s more guided and then
0.4 eventually it is progression But it&;s a
0.4 nice it&;s a nice scaffolded way to build
0.4 skill with touch that
0.4 is asking them to explore the whole body
0.4 that includes more it sounds sense sense
0.4 based touch So yeah anybody can Google
0.4 it and follow the steps and I think it&;s
0.4 a really nice way it&;s a nice entry way
0.4 back in for layman folks to just try So
0.4 I do that as an intervention Yes And I
0.4 often talk about sensory play as being a
0.4 really great thing to introduce into
0.4 your sex life And so this this is like a
0.4 level before that with the clothes on
0.4 but it&;s a great way to connect with
0.4 your partner in a way you&;ve never done
0.4 before If you are fully clothed you&;re
0.4 not really like thinking about sex at
0.4 that moment You really are honing in on
0.4 that sensual touch right And you may
0.4 find three four five six different areas
0.4 on your partner&;s body that you never
0.4 really realized were super sensitive to
0.4 touch It could be perceived as sensual
0.4 touches that are tender Could be the
0.4 neck It could be the sacrum It could be
0.4 the the wrist or the there&;s all kinds
0.4 of spots that can be really erotic
0.4 and beautiful and soft and the inner
0.4 thighs All of those are quite sensual
0.4 Absolutely And until you actually
0.4 practice that you will never know what
0.4 those areas on your partner are So don&;t
0.4 we all want to know these things about
0.4 our partners I think it&;s a great place
0.4 to start for sure Great tip And I know
0.4 you mentioned vulnerability in there And
0.4 so let&;s just jump in and let&;s talk
0.4 about vulnerability and why it&;s so
0.4 important to really build that
0.4 connection with your partner
0.4 Yeah So vulnerability is the gold And I
0.4 think that it seems it&;s like obvious
0.4 and yet I&;m surprised at how many
0.4 couples aren&;t actually tapping into
0.4 vulnerability There&;s
0.4 this proximity meaning you&;re in the
0.4 same space and yet you&;re not really
0.4 taking your armor off and being
0.4 vulnerable with one another because
0.4 that puts you at risk for looking
0.4 foolish or getting your heart broken or
0.4 I don&;t know eventually The ultimate
0.4 fear I think is
0.4 humiliation and that&;s in the everyday
0.4 but that&;s also certainly in the bedroom
0.4 So if you tell them you like this kinky
0.4 thing or if you make sounds while you&;re
0.4 having sex or if invite them in to do
0.4 this thing that you really like and they
0.4 reject you or it&;s just it&;s not often
0.4 logical like if you really say it out
0.4 loud but there&;s this fear of if I show
0.4 who I am and what I want you&;re going to
0.4 reject me or I&;m going to I&;m going to
0.4 die of humiliation
0.4 But it actually probably won&;t happen
0.4 But in our backbrain we&;re like I can&;t
0.4 say that thing I can&;t do that thing But
0.4 if you do it boy it can like really make
0.4 the relationship deepen It can make you
0.4 so much closer because you&;re being
0.4 accepted for this thing as you are that
0.4 you want and that person knows you and
0.4 accepts you and wants you even though
0.4 you&;ve shown this piece So that&;s pretty
0.4 cool Yes And I just think about trying
0.4 to be our true authentic selves right
0.4 And if we are always worried about being
0.4 vulnerable with our partners and not
0.4 showing that vulnerability we&;re never
0.4 going to really truly be authentic right
0.4 And that is the whole entire goal is to
0.4 really fully be your authentic self with
0.4 your partner Tell them what your wants
0.4 and needs are Tell them what you like
0.4 and don&;t like what those kinks are that
0.4 you may you may like that you may be a
0.4 little bit shy about sharing And these
0.4 conversations are a little bit difficult
0.4 to have They&;re not easy to just jump in
0.4 and say "Hey I have a kink and I want to
0.4 tell you about it." But if you truly
0.4 want to have a fulfilling sex life and
0.4 an amazing sex life you need to be able
0.4 to share this information with your
0.4 partner So how do you let&;s talk about
0.4 let&;s talk about sex toys because that&;s
0.4 one of those tricky things that people
0.4 sometimes feel is hard to introduce to a
0.4 partner And so let&;s talk about that in
0.4 spec specifically and how do we
0.4 encourage our clients to introduce those
0.4 toys that really get us there that
0.4 really can help our sex lives be more
0.4 fulfilling Yeah it reminds me of that
0.4 Sex in the City episode called Secret
0.4 Single Behavior It&;s oh like you&;re
0.4 starting to date somebody new or you&;ve
0.4 got this thing you love but you&;re like
0.4 how do I tell them Toys are wonderful
0.4 and I think that partners should not be
0.4 intimidated by them They&;re not instead
0.4 of they&;re in addition to
0.4 great point I think they can enhance and
0.4 it&;s not it shouldn&;t feel like a
0.4 competition It&;s it&;s wonderful and I
0.4 think it it should hopefully feel like
0.4 intriguing What do you love about that
0.4 toy Tell me more about it Tell me why it
0.4 feels so good to you because it&;s a road
0.4 map of like your desire So understanding
0.4 why that toy turns you on Is it the way
0.4 that it can touch you in particular Is
0.4 it the angle Is it the speed Is it the
0.4 Was it the way it can be inside of you
0.4 Is it the touch of it Can we use it
0.4 together Can I watch you use it Like how
0.4 can we incorporate this Feeling like
0.4 it&;s just information It&;s just
0.4 enhancement is a more useful approach to
0.4 meeting a toy Yeah I love this I love
0.4 that you&;re like talking about really
0.4 building curiosity but very specifically
0.4 like what exactly is it that you love
0.4 about that toy because it&;s going to
0.4 tell me where you like to be stimulated
0.4 right And so building that curiosity and
0.4 when you&;re talking about choosing a
0.4 partner right And maybe you&;ve already
0.4 chosen one and you&;ve been married for a
0.4 long time and now you&;re trying to build
0.4 this But really for many people that are
0.4 not in long-term marriages and that are
0.4 building relationships new relationships
0.4 thinking about when you have these
0.4 conversations whether your partner is
0.4 open to these conversations or not
0.4 because really you want to choose a
0.4 partner that is going to want to fulfill
0.4 you in the bedroom that is going to want
0.4 to pleasure you and thinking about that
0.4 as you&;re going through these sort of
0.4 early on steps right to really creating
0.4 that conversation early on because I
0.4 think it&;s so important to have these
0.4 conversations early on if you&;re
0.4 starting a new relationship because if
0.4 you wait for years and years and maybe
0.4 you weren&;t comfortable back then and
0.4 now you&;re in a marriage and you may not
0.4 be happy in in your sex life or whatever
0.4 but if you&;re not having these
0.4 conversations early on in relationships
0.4 you may be wasting a lot of time and
0.4 years wouldn&;t you say Yeah And
0.4 hopefully both of your pleasure should
0.4 be important And it&;s not it&;s not a
0.4 competition It&;s not a it&;s not a
0.4 competition with a toy It&;s not a
0.4 competition with each other It&;s just
0.4 let&;s figure this out for both of us And
0.4 it&;s this like both of us get to have it
0.4 And so we should both be in service of
0.4 that and let&;s figure it out That should
0.4 be the spirit hopefully of of it and if
0.4 you like it this way and I like it that
0.4 way and whatever works and let&;s
0.4 facilitate that to make it happen for us
0.4 I think it is a good attitude Definitely
0.4 And now let&;s talk a little bit about
0.4 because I know that you work with
0.4 couples that have issues with maybe
0.4 sexual desire or there&;s some kind of
0.4 dissatisfaction and I work a lot with
0.4 clients who have sexual function issues
0.4 such as erectile dysfunction or it&;s
0.4 female equivalent which is decreased
0.4 sensitivity and dryness So I want to
0.4 just like delve into that a little bit
0.4 more and like how would you encourage a
0.4 couple to say that has some kind of
0.4 dysfunction right To really introduce
0.4 those toys that can really help One
0.4 example that I gave was a man who has
0.4 erectile dysfunction and maybe
0.4 introducing a dildo or even a strap on
0.4 to really still be able to have that
0.4 penetrative sex that maybe they want to
0.4 engage in but can&;t do in that moment in
0.4 time Yeah Yeah Yeah you and I talked
0.4 about this a little bit offline and I
0.4 have actually done that intervention
0.4 with a couple and they seemed a bit
0.4 shocked and I work with queer couples
0.4 and that&;s an intervention we use all
0.4 the time is strap-ons are pretty common
0.4 and they&;re a great option for those
0.4 that want penetrative sex Now with a
0.4 heterosexual couple where they&;re having
0.4 erectile dysfunction where the man is
0.4 not able to attain or maintain an
0.4 erection the thought of putting
0.4 strapping on a dildo probably feels
0.4 pretty shocking And yet it&;s super
0.4 practical It totally works It&;s totally
0.4 there if visually he wants to feel like
0.4 he has an erection if he wants the
0.4 sensation of
0.4 thrusting And obviously he&;s not going
0.4 to feel from a sensory standpoint quite
0.4 the same because he doesn&;t feel the
0.4 internal sensation but he gets the
0.4 visual he gets that So it does serve
0.4 that And if she really wants the
0.4 sensation of internal feeling full and
0.4 that kind of thing it&;s really nice It
0.4 is It&;s a great option I think that you
0.4 just have to get emotionally over the
0.4 fact that it&;s not your organ per se
0.4 I don&;t think it&;s a big deal But yeah
0.4 you got to get over that part And men
0.4 can sometimes be really attached to
0.4 their unit
0.4 It&;s funny because men are choosy about
0.4 that because they&;re not choosy about
0.4 using a a doll I don&;t know why they
0.4 don&;t have a problem putting their penis
0.4 into an object So I don&;t know why
0.4 they&;d have a problem strapping on an
0.4 object I don&;t know why they get picky
0.4 about it in those certain contexts But I
0.4 do think that can be a great workaround
0.4 because more and more men as they age
0.4 erectile dysfunction is just part of the
0.4 aging process and it&;s also a byproduct
0.4 of certain medications It&;s just it&;s
0.4 just a reality for a lot of men And also
0.4 it&;s not game over necessarily if you
0.4 can&;t attain a full
0.4 erection
0.4 but working with what you&;ve got is part
0.4 of the aging process for both men and
0.4 women So sometimes it&;s about lube and
0.4 sometimes it&;s about doing something
0.4 besides penetration Absolutely Thinking
0.4 about sex as not just penetration
0.4 because that&;s like this much of it
0.4 right It&;s such a small portion of sex
0.4 Sex is like such a huge umbrella of
0.4 different options right And the
0.4 penetration is just a small part And if
0.4 you think about women 95% of women
0.4 needing external genital stimulation in
0.4 order to orgasm right And you&;re only
0.4 focused on the penetration we&;re missing
0.4 out on a lot of sensuality and a lot of
0.4 displeasure So I love that you you say
0.4 that it can be like not perceived as
0.4 necessarily something that people want
0.4 to explore but it is very practical
0.4 You&;re absolutely right It&;s
0.4 I&;m like there&;s your fingers still work
0.4 your mouth still
0.4 works I&;m like and there&;s lots and lots
0.4 of depending on what&;s hurting right
0.4 there&;s lots of receptors in your penis
0.4 and they&;re like like the penis not even
0.4 if it&;s not erect still has sensation So
0.4 you can still play with that organ as
0.4 well and not leave it to just be
0.4 dangling there for the whole entire
0.4 experience without giving it any
0.4 attention Right Because it still will
0.4 feel good if the man is not able to get
0.4 hard But if you think about just
0.4 penetrative sex by itself it&;s just such
0.4 a small portion of sex itself When you
0.4 think about the prevalence of erectile
0.4 dysfunction and 20% of men in their 20s
0.4 already have some form of erectile
0.4 dysfunction and it goes up 10% per
0.4 decade So 50% of men in their 50s will
0.4 experience erectile dysfunction and it
0.4 just continues to go up right And so
0.4 it&;s so important to like really think
0.4 about that because as we get older our
0.4 the way that we have sex the way that we
0.4 play in the bedroom is going to be
0.4 different as we get older Do you want to
0.4 just jump in and talk about that a
0.4 little bit And I know that you&;ve
0.4 mentioned that there are it&;s just like
0.4 a reality but there are also treatments
0.4 for erectile dysfunction and its female
0.4 equivalent which is like I mentioned
0.4 before decreased vaginal sensitivity and
0.4 dryness And that is a treatment that I
0.4 do in my practice It&;s called acoustic
0.4 wave therapy and it helps to bring more
0.4 blood flow to the area and I&;m not going
0.4 to go into the details of that because
0.4 I&;ve talked about it many times in the
0.4 past I just want you to
0.4 comment on that Yeah I think men it&;s
0.4 interesting I actually have a a new
0.4 couple that I&;ve been seeing only a few
0.4 times and they just came in because of
0.4 his erectile dysfunction He&;s
0.4 80 80 And he&;s like "My I&;m just
0.4 starting to have some erectile
0.4 dysfunction." And I&;m like "You&;re just
0.4 starting to have erectile dysfunction?"
0.4 I&;m like "You&;re 80." And she said "A
0.4 lot of times it&;s like when they admit
0.4 to the fact that because a lot of times
0.4 men will have erectile dysfunction
0.4 issues for many years and won&;t admit to
0.4 the fact that they do until they&;re I
0.4 can&;t believe it&;s taken this long." I
0.4 said "You&;re incredible." And I that&;s
0.4 good for you because most men are having
0.4 it certainly in their 70s pro probably
0.4 in their 60s but like certainly in their
0.4 70s for you to get to 80 and just be
0.4 starting to have issues Good on you
0.4 prioritizing your sex life I am so proud
0.4 of you And let&;s talk about sex Let&;s
0.4 more broadly define sex right because
0.4 yes it&;s important and I understand that
0.4 there&;s all this emotional tie to your
0.4 penis working and also let&;s talk about
0.4 the larger conversation because she&;s
0.4 gone through menopause at this point and
0.4 she&;s had to recalibrate That&;s like a
0.4 good word to just this whole larger
0.4 picture Let&;s recalibrate as our bodies
0.4 are changing What can we do now Do we
0.4 need lubrication Do we need more rest Do
0.4 we need to have some if we&;re women
0.4 estrogen Do we need topical estrogen Do
0.4 we need hip openers What do we need to
0.4 actually have our body feel like it can
0.4 accommodate what we&;re trying to do We
0.4 can&;t We&;re not 20 anymore We&;re not
0.4 young and sprry in the same way but we
0.4 still have interest in energy but maybe
0.4 it&;s more cuddle
0.4 energy Maybe maybe we also just need
0.4 some stretching and some some cream But
0.4 it&;s also don&;t be mad at your body that
0.4 it won&;t do what it used to do But also
0.4 sometimes your body needs some
0.4 conditioning to get it back to what it
0.4 can do And that&;s where physical therapy
0.4 comes in for for these types of issues
0.4 that you&;re talking about Absolutely And
0.4 just being open-minded about creating a
0.4 a space for new exploration It doesn&;t
0.4 always have to be the same old We need
0.4 variety Variety is the spice of life And
0.4 for sure in sex that is true too And so
0.4 not getting so stuck on like your
0.4 previous interpretation of how your
0.4 amazing sex life was but really
0.4 expanding that to include other things
0.4 that are can really enhance your sex
0.4 life as
0.4 well So let&;s just talk a little bit
0.4 about afterare what I like to call
0.4 afterare and what you like to call
0.4 pillow talk right And so let&;s just talk
0.4 about why that is so important for
0.4 having a healthy sex life Yeah I find
0.4 that depending on how people are wired
0.4 This is more of an attachment function
0.4 but some people really enjoy the sex and
0.4 some people really enjoy what happens
0.4 post sex right that often times there&;s
0.4 a flood of hormones but really they&;re
0.4 looking forward to the cuddling that
0.4 happens and the benefits that sort of
0.4 string not just in the hours after sex
0.4 or the minutes but but the week the
0.4 whole week there&;s a softening There is
0.4 a relational shift that happens between
0.4 the couple or the throppple or whoever
0.4 you know is happening But after sex the
0.4 edges get softened between the people
0.4 and there is like a letting go of some
0.4 of the stuff that you might fight about
0.4 otherwise or the conflict that might
0.4 exist And it&;s really nice because
0.4 you&;ve shared this thing together
0.4 and you have been vulnerable in one way
0.4 or another and there&;s just a shift in
0.4 the relational dynamic that can be
0.4 really special and it seems to have this
0.4 kind of longer effect that serves the
0.4 relationship Yes And it&;s so important
0.4 to really take that time afterwards to
0.4 really connect on an emotional level
0.4 because a lot of times that doesn&;t
0.4 necessarily always happen So I think
0.4 after care is so important really giving
0.4 yourself that time to really you know
0.4 maybe even saying hey I really loved
0.4 this thing that you did or this place
0.4 that you touched me It can be part of
0.4 the learning experience of like really
0.4 teaching your partner what you enjoyed
0.4 during that episode and taking that to
0.4 the next round Some people feel like
0.4 it&;s like a recap or a Yeah because I do
0.4 have some partners that are like I don&;t
0.4 want to talk about it And other partners
0.4 more the anxious partners want to hear
0.4 what worked what didn&;t work And I can
0.4 understand that if you&;re wondering how
0.4 that played for you if it isn&;t
0.4 completely clear then I think it is
0.4 helpful to say you don&;t have to do a
0.4 playbyplay but generally if I tried
0.4 something new did it work And what did
0.4 you like Give me the bullet points from
0.4 from this thing and tell me how that
0.4 experience played out for you Yeah I
0.4 think it&;s a great time to have these
0.4 conversations And it doesn&;t have to be
0.4 like a blowby-blow highlights reel right
0.4 It can just be like the one thing that
0.4 you really were like "Oo I really liked
0.4 to be touched in that spot and I never
0.4 realized it before." And so let&;s
0.4 remember that for next time because I
0.4 really enjoyed that And I something just
0.4 popped into my mind while you were
0.4 talking about like the more you have the
0.4 more you want sort of thing And I don&;t
0.4 even know if that&;s like a medical thing
0.4 or or not but I find that when I have
0.4 really amazing sex I want it more often
0.4 Is that some is that like a real thing
0.4 or is that just me I will say that like
0.4 people ask about masturbation for
0.4 example Should I be masturbating or if I
0.4 masturbate is that going to kill my
0.4 desire for the rest of the week I
0.4 actually use it sometimes as a warm-up
0.4 for people because I I think that yeah
0.4 if you it&;s kind of like you crave what
0.4 you eat a little bit And I think that&;s
0.4 true So yeah if you&;re having if you&;re
0.4 having sex you&;re more likely to have
0.4 beget I think it begets more sex if it&;s
0.4 a positive experience Yeah it does warm
0.4 you up I think that&;s true I love that
0.4 you bring up masturbation here too
0.4 because there&;s a relationship that you
0.4 have with yourself right And then
0.4 there&;s a relationship that you have
0.4 with your partner And just because
0.4 you&;re in a partnered relationship
0.4 doesn&;t mean that you have to abandon
0.4 the relationship and the sensual
0.4 relationship that you have with yourself
0.4 And masturbation is a great tool for
0.4 what you just said and also for men who
0.4 do experience erectile dysfunction to
0.4 really try to increase that blood flow
0.4 And I often will recommend that my
0.4 patients get a penis pump so that they
0.4 can use it every day in order to really
0.4 increase that blood flow on a daily
0.4 basis When you practice something you
0.4 get better at it right And if you&;re not
0.4 practicing or if you&;re only practicing
0.4 once a week or once every other week or
0.4 whatever you&;re not going to really have
0.4 improvement So you have to really hone
0.4 those skills on a personal level too And
0.4 for women it&;s so key to understand what
0.4 gets you there right What really gets
0.4 you to have an orgasm And if you don&;t
0.4 know that there&;s no way that you can
0.4 translate that information to the
0.4 bedroom Yeah absolutely I think that you
0.4 have to know your own body first You
0.4 have to turn yourself on And not that
0.4 it&;s solely your responsibility in
0.4 partner play but it certainly helps
0.4 because if you
0.4 understand phys like physically
0.4 position-wise where you need to be and
0.4 then also if you can coming into it like
0.4 we talked about lingerie and that type
0.4 of thing but then also partner-wise you
0.4 understand it&;s just so much easier than
0.4 putting all the onus on your partner
0.4 because Yeah And so I think if you&;ve
0.4 touched yourself if you&;ve played with
0.4 toys if you&;ve maybe like I&;ve got one
0.4 client who likes to read erotica before
0.4 she goes into partner play right That&;s
0.4 part of it Some people watch porn some
0.4 people do some fantasy stuff role
0.4 playing that type of thing But whatever
0.4 it is whatever your thing is then just
0.4 do that But knowing what it is to turn
0.4 yourself on and doing that and sharing
0.4 that with your partner if you&;re willing
0.4 I think can be really empowering Yeah
0.4 absolutely And erasing the shame around
0.4 all of it right Because shame does not
0.4 involve does not it shouldn&;t even be
0.4 included in the bedroom at all Right We
0.4 should just throw all of that out and
0.4 just really focus on enjoying ourselves
0.4 So I want to just jump into our role
0.4 play at this point Um so this season I&;m
0.4 doing a role play and we&;re talking
0.4 about safety okay in many different ways
0.4 So I&;m going to play the guy in a
0.4 heterosexual couple and I&;m going to
0.4 play the guy that can&;t attain an
0.4 erection and you&;re going to be my
0.4 partner Gotcha Okay Yeah Because I
0.4 honestly see the scenario with some
0.4 frequencies Yes Yes So let&;s do this one
0.4 Okay And action
0.4 So we&;re in Okay we&;re in the bedroom
0.4 We&;re trying to get there And I&;m like
0.4 "Oh how It&;s not working Ah forget it We
0.4 should just bail out This is not going
0.4 to happen I can&;t believe I can&;t do it
0.4 This is just I&;m useless in
0.4 this." Oh wow It&;s okay Let&;s not use
0.4 negative useless the word term useless
0.4 to describe ourselves right We don&;t
0.4 need to beat ourselves up This is just
0.4 something that happens to people It&;s a
0.4 common thing So why don&;t we talk about
0.4 what we can do to explore without
0.4 focusing on the actual erection Let&;s
0.4 just do
0.4 that But like how am I supposed to be a
0.4 partner in this Or how am I I&;m not a
0.4 man if I can&;t if I can&;t keep my dick
0.4 hard
0.4 That&;s not what I&;m looking at when I
0.4 look at you You are a man in so many
0.4 ways and you take care of me in so many
0.4 ways And so I&;m not judging you by the
0.4 hardness of your penis as to whether
0.4 you&;re a man or not And so I want you to
0.4 not think of our intimate life that way
0.4 because there are other things that we
0.4 can do Like
0.4 what So why don&;t you lay down and why
0.4 don&;t I just give you like a sensual
0.4 massage Why don&;t we start from there
0.4 and then maybe you can do the same for
0.4 me and I can tell you what really turns
0.4 me on when you touch me
0.4 Are you just doing that to make me not
0.4 feel so bad about what&;s happening or
0.4 does that actually like work for you
0.4 My whole body is sensitive So even
0.4 though we&;re not focusing specifically
0.4 on our genitals we can still have a lot
0.4 of sensual touch and I would love it No
0.4 I&;m not doing it just because I love you
0.4 and I want us to still continue to have
0.4 a sensual relationship Even if
0.4 penetrative sex with your penis is not
0.4 going to be a part of it every time I
0.4 don&;t want to just end it each time this
0.4 happens Are you open to exploring in
0.4 other
0.4 ways Sure let&;s try it Let&;s give it a
0.4 try and and
0.4 seeing
0.4 Yeah this is a big This is a big Oh that
0.4 was right It happens I just wish I wish
0.4 they I wish couples would be willing to
0.4 try that because I I feel like they&;re
0.4 this crustfallen guy that wants to just
0.4 disappear and eject out of the bedroom
0.4 instead of
0.4 being like "All right let&;s go to plan
0.4 B." And plan B like you just suggested
0.4 isn&;t just pivot and totally focus on
0.4 her but stay in to say I mean it can be
0.4 focus on her but it also can be focus on
0.4 them together in another way I love that
0.4 you suggested that Yeah Yes And just
0.4 because the penis isn&;t getting fully
0.4 erect doesn&;t mean that it doesn&;t have
0.4 sensation to it It still feels good to
0.4 your partner to touch it oral could
0.4 still be really a delicious foreplay And
0.4 toys introduce those toys There&;s
0.4 nothing wrong with adding a dildo if you
0.4 want penetrative sex or just focusing on
0.4 oral sex because really women need most
0.4 women need external stimulation to
0.4 orgasm anyway So focusing on that can
0.4 really be a turnon for a man to get
0.4 their partner there And that&;s a big
0.4 turn on too It doesn&;t always have to be
0.4 ejaculating Yeah It doesn&;t always have
0.4 to be penetrative sex but yeah
0.4 absolutely Absolutely So I want to make
0.4 sure and thank you so much for doing
0.4 that roleplay with me I always find that
0.4 role plays are so great to model the
0.4 kinds of conversations that we really
0.4 should be having in the bedroom and a
0.4 lot of times people are not having those
0.4 conversations So it&;s a great place to
0.4 to model these types of conversations
0.4 So I want to make sure that my listeners
0.4 can find you Where can we find you
0.4 Absolutely So pleasurepro US.us is home
0.4 base that&;s got my website that&;s got my
0.4 small group intensives So I lead six
0.4 week in group intensives that are live
0.4 I&;ve also got a course coming out that
0.4 is asynchronous So people can do that on
0.4 their own time My podcast is linked on
0.4 there I&;ve got articles and then my
0.4 psychotherapy is at rivierath theapy.com
0.4 And is the link on the pleasure project
0.4 It&;s not So you&;d have to go to my I
0.4 have a different website for my therapy
0.4 So that&;s the
0.4 review.com Yeah Okay So we&;ll make sure
0.4 that we include that in the show notes
0.4 Thank you so much for that And I want to
0.4 make sure that if my listeners liked
0.4 this episode go ahead and copy it right
0.4 now and share it with somebody that you
0.4 think would benefit from listening to
0.4 this conversation This is really a
0.4 conversation that so many people are
0.4 having out there in relationships and
0.4 not a lot of people are talking about So
0.4 it&;s a great episode to share Make sure
0.4 that if you want to support the show the
0.4 best place to support the show is by
0.4 going to Patreon and subscribing and for
0.4 adree listening and early episodes And
0.4 again thank you so much for being on the
0.4 show today Dr Kennedy This was a lot a
0.4 really fun conversation
0.4 Absolutely Thanks for having me
0.4 Appreciate it
.